Sparks Ignites

  I ran into my friend Rose, the other day, and asked how she’d been. She said she was stressed because her mom was ill. I politely inquired about her condition like I was CNN’s Sanjay Gupta. She’d been diagnosed with moleopothy— a sudden eruption of hairy moles on her face. After my initial gasp of horror and an urge to make a werewolf reference, I asked if the doctor prescribed Molezympica. She said “yes” and immediately I went into my fair balance spiel.    I told her to monitor for side effects and discontinue use if her mom has sudden onset unibrow, drooping nipples, howling at the full moon, undressing by fire hydrants, a desire to eat meals in the basement or if one of her moles starts talking.    I inquired if her mom had any pets? The most adverse reaction is extreme and deadly flatulence fatal to pets under 30 pounds. Rose looked concerned and said  Mr. Sniffles, a chihuahua, had been staggering around the house.   “How do you know all t...

I haven’t been a hospital patient since I was in grade school. I remember the nurses dressed in white uniforms with pillbox hats looking like Jackie Kennedy’s bridesmaids. They were visions of purity, supplying drugs and sponge baths. Immaculate angels in white— the appropriate color to wear when blood and body fluids are only a squirt away.   IV Bottles, syringes and thermometers were made of glass. When the Good Humor person of medicine came bearing a cylinder filled with toxic mercury, you had to make sure you didn’t bite down. Also, pray they didn’t tell you to roll on your side. “No sneaking in the back door. That’s a no glass insertion zone, Nurse Ratched!”   Surgical procedures, medical technology and patient care has progressed far from what I remembered as a six-year-old. Hospital stays are as brief as possible. They throw you out of bed hours after surgery. When I had my appendix taking out, I was in-patient until my stitches could be removed. I was there so long I h...

  Washington, D.C. -  Congressman, George Santos, stunned reporters this morning at a press conference, held at the Motel 6 Washington, DC - Convention Center, when he admitted to lying to the country and his constituents in the 3 rd  District of New York.    Santos entered the room wearing white pants and a white bed sheet, wrapped around his torso. It was held together with a brown belt and he carried a florescent light tube. “I’ve had to make up many stories to protect this country and the entire world.” He told a room packed with news correspondents.   “At last, I can reveal the truth. My real name is George Lucas Skytos. I’m a Jedish Knight sent here from another galaxy, far, far away. I’m here to save this planet,” Santos said.    He explained that he was told to create a false identity by his father, the Supreme Leader of the Empire— Darth Donald.    “I’ve posed incognito as a graduate of Baruch College and NYU, a star volley...

  Capitol Hill, MN:  On January 6 th , fifteen-time loser, Marjorie Tyler Kelly, was named the winner of the 2023 National Pie Baking Contest held at the Holiday Inn Express in Capitol Hill, Minnesota. This annual crusty event celebrated its 118 th  year awarding the top honor to amateur baker Ms. Kelly.  Former twenty-time champion, Head Judge - Millie Musgrave, said she was speechless when this year’s winner was announced. “Ms. Kelly has the tenacity to submit her concoctions every year, but I’m astounded she was able to grab the top award.” Musgrave went onto say that Kelly had a tough and gritty personality, “Pretty much like her pies.” The panel of twenty judges deliberated into the early morning hours of January 6 th  before declaring Kelly the winner. According to an unnamed source, the judges were split on awarding the prize to a pie that clearly was the worst pie in MN.  Musgrave, who was the head judge this year, said, “Kelly’s pie, an Apple ...

  June is Gay Pride Month. It’s the time to hang rainbow flags, celebrate diversity, equality, love, inclusion and show support for the LGBTQ+ community. There are parades, parties, memorials and tv programs celebrating the history of gay culture. As indiviuals discuss their coming out process, the question always arises “when did you know you were gay?”  For some it can be a slow process, questioning where they fall on the spectrum of self-identification. For me there was never a question. I came out at birth holding a ticket to Key West and a rainbow binky. No need to keep my parents guessing. I knew from the moment the doctor said “the baby is crowning” that I was royalty. The reality smacked me soon after I left the hospital, but a “Gurl” can dream. “Can I get an amen?” I escaped nine months from my isolation chamber, and didn’t scream or cry. Instead, I sang the 12” Club Version of “I’m Coming Out,” my homage to the diva — Miss Ross.  The birth canal is not equipped ...

  “Everything can change in an instant.” “Things can change in the blink of an eye.” “Life can turn on a dime.”   We’ve all heard the quotes. Whether you’re into time, body parts or currency, chances are you’ll think or utter one of those at some point. When we reach the age of fifty to somewhere over the rainbow, most likely we’ll relate such a phrase to a health issue.   For some reason as we start to near the end of the age range chart we’re supposed to be in our “golden years.” I’m not sure what’s “golden” because everyone’s hair is turning sliver and their hips and knees are titanium. I guess we need to check with Dorothy, Rose, Blanche or Sophia. Just turn on the late-night Hallmark Channel they’re waiting on the lanai with cheesecake and answers.    My once busy schedule of partying at clubs, mall shopping with friends, and personal trainer sessions is now dominated with doctor’s office visits. My calendar is filled with “ist’s” dates —dentist, gastroente...

Oh! Another birthday has come and gone. An annual rite of passage. A remembrance  of the day when I made my arduous passage through the birth canal, kicking and screaming. For nine months I was doing fine, floating in my isolation womb. Suddenly, BAM!!!, somebody pulls the plug, the water drains, and I’m out of there.   My first experience with the world was a forced eviction from my private abode. Hey, it was rent-free, comfortable, quiet and I could suck on my thumb all day. My Mom was my disgruntled landlord who didn’t even have the courtesy to issue an eviction notice. When I started to speak, she got some harsh syllables from me. There was no “Mama or Dada” as my first words. It was more along the line of, “What the hell were you thinking?” Until I could form words, I screamed a lot and peed in everyone’s face.     People wonder why I have anxiety issues? I was yanked head-first into the cold, noisy world and some stranger in scrubs flung me around the room...