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SPARKS BRIEF: Trump Demands Ratings Increase

Washington, D.C. - According to our whistleblower, Trump summoned his defense team to the White House Friday night as his historic impeachment trial nears its inevitable conclusion. 
Trump fumed over slumping ratings and the fact that more households had tuned in to watch soap operas. The conservative Media Research Center has called it a “ratings disaster.” 
Earlier in the week, after finding out the Nixon Watergate Hearings had higher ratings, Trump ordered the Thanksgiving turkey Butter, whom he pardoned in 2019, be brought back to the White House. Butter was unpardoned, deep fried in Dunkin Donut oil and served with a side of KFC mashed potatoes.  
Later, he was seen waving a turkey drumstick at a Tomb Guard in Arlington Cemetery demanding to be given the name of the Unknown Solider.
At the late-night meeting, Trump told his lawyers the trial was the “best impeachment ever,” and that all shows should be suspended while the proceedings are being broadcast. Jay Sekulow, Trump’s pri…