Now that the holiday season
is upon us, we should be talking about Christmas parties and not political
parties. In fact, any discussion of politics should be off the table and the
elf should be on the shelf.
It’s that time of year again. The Holiday Season – when Halloween
morphs into Christmas. There’s barely time to put away the cobwebs, ghosts, and
gravestones before the snowmen, holly, and lights are out. Retailers don’t even
wait for Halloween to be over before Christmas starts blending into the mix
We live in a country of
opportunities. Every citizen is told with perseverance and drive; they can
achieve their goals. No matter what your background you can dream of attaining
the highest position in the land.
to a source close to the Clinton campaign, Hillary’s been practicing for
tonight’s debate in a locker room. An
undisclosed Las Vegas high school has been the scene of intense preparation for
the final showdown between Trump and Clinton. “Hillary
wanted to ascertain if what her opponent calls ‘Locker Room Talk’ is really as
offensive as his lewd remarks on a bus,” a source told us. Clinton has
spent five days surrounded by sneakers, damp towels and Axe body spray. Twice
her prep was interrupted by some towel snapping and a temper tantrum from the
football team’s mascot. “Hillary was
outraged when she overheard the soccer coach tell his team that he couldn’t
wait to get home to play with his pussy,” the source confirmed. It was
discovered that the coach in question had a new Siamese kitten and the team had
bought some cat toys for “Mr. Mittens.” Campaign
officials hung several suggestive posters in the locker room trying to bait any
unsuspecting males, but only two comments were h…
The American Psychiatric Association announced a new
seasonal disorder that is affecting millions across the country – Pumpkin Spice
Traumatic Disorder (PSTD).
Sufferers of PSTD are stricken every fall when Pumpkin Spice
is released across the nation. Limited editions of hundreds of products are created
containing the pumpkin spice flavor and scent. This causes pumpkin enthusiasts
to go out of their gourds trying to buy up all these items.
New York, New York… Sounds so nice they named it twice. Not
really, when you’re there you have to repeat it, because it’s noisy,
overcrowded, and no one can hear you. Mid-town
Manhattan streets are cavernous canyons of cacophony. Try a leisurely stroll through Times Square to take in the
sights. It’s impossible. You’re fighting a swarm of people who are coming at
you from every direction. “Watch out!” Tourists are stopping to have selfies
taken with a Super Hero, a Disney Princess or a Giant Muppet. “No kids, Tickle Me Elmo is in
Toys R US, that’s HPV Elmo – stay away.” “That’s Iron Lung Man. The real
Iron Man doesn’t smoke or hack into his facemask.” “Oh Look! There’s orange Mr. Snuffleupagus. He
lives in a tower on Fifth Avenue.” It’s mass confusion and sensory overload. I need Xanax and a
horse blinder so I don’t have a panic attack. I try to enjoy the arts and
entertainment that New York has to offer; it’s just the city gets in the way. I just spent several days in Manhattan and I’m
During a campaign rally in
Topeka, KS, Donald Trump claimed President Obama was directly responsible for
the illegal forced deportation of a young farm girl. According to Trump,
Dorothy Gale, age 12, was forcibly removed from her house and taken across the
border to the hostile land of Oz. “Failed domestic policies
and a struggling economy under the Obama Administration has forced Kansas
farmers to remain in Tornado Alley.” Trump told pitchfork wielding supporters.
“Yes folks, President Obama
has allowed terrorist tornadoes to form, and a little girl lost her home and her
dog.” Trump continued, “People
said that Dorothy was left alone amongst radical munchkins who are part a
dangerous organization known as the Lollipop Guild. I’m hearing they could be a
threat to national security and Obama’s doing nothing to stop them.” “Crooked Hilary and the
Clinton Foundation have accepted money from the Emerald City and a mysterious
wizard,” Trump went on to say in a blustery manner. “Both President…
We’ve just celebrated Independence Day and the grilling days
of summer are underway. Millions of Americans celebrate July Fourth with
backyard barbeques and continue their outside cooking throughout the season.
Quiet the mind and the soul will speak – Ma Jaya Sati
I’ve wanted to learn the art
of meditation. Articles I’ve read extoll the virtues of learning to regulate
the mind. It helps reduce stress and ease health issues like depression,
anxiety and high blood pressure. Plus, Oprah does it so why wouldn’t I want to
give it a try?
I read an article that
Harvard researchers found meditation does produce beneficial effects in the
brain and in the gut. It can help people with symptoms of IBS, IBD, IRS, IDIOT and
TRUMP. Finding inner peace and wellness can take you to a much better place – like
checking out of the Roach Motel and into the Ritz-Carlton.
With proper instruction, I
could become one with the universe. Focus my chi and enjoy my Chai. I needed to
find a place to learn the principles of meditation. There are books and phone
apps, but I need to learn by participating. I’m a hands-on learner. I have to
see it in action or in this case – nonaction.
The 68th annual Philadelphia
Writer’s’ Conference begins tomorrow, so I’ve been thinking about writers
and books. As long as I can remember, I’ve been in love with books. Before I
could comprehend a written sentence, my dad would read stories to me. He was
very good at acting out the characters and doing voices.He created my appreciation for the art of
I believe I was born with
social anxiety. I know we are supposed to think we’re born with a clean slate,
but my slate had a few smudge marks. Probably my first thought after delivery
was, “Everyone is looking at me. OMG I’m naked in a room of strangers. Hey,
someone get a diaper over here. Don’t look at my folds and creases. God,
already I need the Beverly Hills Nursery Diet.” I had tiny baby hands and you know what that
Since the Republican debates
began, I’ve been strangling my sofa pillow in shock and frustration. I’ve watched
Presidential Psycho and checked into The Debates Motel. You must leave your
sanity and decorum at the door. Don’t use the shower; someone with tiny hands
might want to show you their national endowment.
Yes, that’s what the
political process in our country has become; a finger pointing, yelling match
between some of the worst presidential candidates the Republican party has ever
offered up. It’s the Real House Husbands of DC. A bad reality show with
character slurs, profanity and penis jokes.
I always celebrated Easter
when I was growing up. Both my parents were Catholic, so of course we observed the
holy day. It was the special weekend when we gorged on baskets of chocolate, ate
a baked ham, and watched The Ten
Commandments. Sometimes we would also catch a broadcast of the King of Kings. This is the film where
Jesus is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, prophet. It seemed he should’ve been carrying
a surf board for his sermon on the mount. “Blessed are the meek and hang ten.”
There is an annual event in
Philadelphia, and for all its notoriety, there is still an audience that hasn’t
experienced its unique beauty and creativity. The event is the PhiladelphiaFlower Show presented by The Pennsylvania Horticultural Society (PHS).
“I pledge allegiance to the dollar and to the Republic for which
money rules, one nation, controlled by Washington and Wall Street, with
corruption and greed for all.”
The American Dream
has turned to balls – Powerballs. There’s always a frenzy when we hear of a
giant jackpot. It’s the dream of “Easy Street” and being financially secure. We
all want the 1.5 billion jackpot. It’s a fantasy to be swimming in money and
living the lifestyle of the rich and famous.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we
interrupt this program to bring you a news bulletin from the National Weather Service.
A “Bread and Milk Emergency” has been
issued for the tri-state area. Everyone is required to head to a nearby
supermarket and purchase an obligatory loaf of bread and a gallon of milk.