Sparks Ignites

  Washington, D.C. – The tariffs might put a damper on American holiday consumption this Christmas; don’t worry about the thirty dolls you won’t be able to buy. Your little darlings won’t even need two or three. This December 25 th  there is only one doll every child will want to see under the tree, and that’s— Be Best Barbie . A 12-inch plastic version of the Slovenian ex-model and reluctant First Lady, Melania. This special edition will hit the toy shelves on Black Friday. And a Black Friday it will be when the PVC poser invades the pink plastic dreamhouse. With chiseled cheeks and a lip pout of disdain, the doll is an exact replica of the former immigrant. Owning a  Be Best Barbie  is just like having the real First Lady visit your home. She’s all looks and not much else. Melania, the doll, is vapid vinyl and fully articulated. Put her in a designer outfit and have her strike a pose, but keep her away from your rose garden, or she’ll plow it under. The usually qui...

Washington, D.C. – June is LGBTQ Pride Month, and it’s highlighted by parades and celebrations around the country. In a month where love and acceptance is the theme, there is a stark contrast in our nation’s capital, where the policies of the Trump Administration seek to eradicate the marginalized transgender community. As the president demonizes transgender people with executive orders and his lackeys fall in step, many allies are fighting in opposition. A grassroots movement has begun, and a political action group, TransNational Alliance (TA), has formed to support a community under siege. Bob NonBinary, a spokesperson for TA, said that Trump and his “red, white, and ewww” minions are attacking a group that only represents approximately 0.6% of the US population aged 13 and older. “We want the trans population to grow and overshadow Trump’s petty policies. It’s much harder to push bigoted strategies in a plurality,” Nonbinary said. “There is strength in numbers, and we want to be a n...

Washington, D.C. –  Minutes after the papal conclave elected Robert Francis Prevost, the first American pope, Trump is seeking a recall to what he terms “a rigged conclave.” A special team of papal lawyers will head to the Vatican to challenge the election results. The team of Agnosticgold, Atheistein, and Evangelicalberg, LLP, will file a protest on behalf of the president.  Cardinal Kevin Joseph Farrell, acting head of the Catholic Church, issued a statement saying there is a new pope, Leo XIV, and the choice is final.  “Trump can never be the pope unless Jesus is resurrected and names him the pontiff, which would supersede 135 cardinals of the conclave. He’s an impure married man, a sociopath, and not even a member of the Catholic Church. The closest he’ll ever be is the “Pope’s Nose,” said Cardinal Farrell.  Trump immediately issued an executive order, calling for the savior’s resurrection. “I’ll wait for him in the Lincoln Bedroom. Jesus and I have a person...

I have a personal relationship with my bladder. I know it seems odd. We’re not dating, although it does come along with me everywhere I go. For the most part, it’s a tolerable partnership, except when it gets pissed off. We became close several years ago when I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Any organ or body part that decides to revolt immediately gets attention. Luckily my bladder leaked information, and they found the malignancy at an early stage. This was good news and bad news. The cancer was treatable, but the process involved numerous cystoscopies and catheterizations. This is an exciting procedure where a tube with a camera is inserted into a small hole down in your southern hemisphere. The doctor can then view inside your bladder like he’s James Cameron searching for hidden treasure on the Titanic. I was allowed to watch the deep bladder diving on a video screen. Inside the bladder, it’s pink and wrinkled like a geriatric Barbie. I was hoping to see a couple of minnows or ...

  Washington, DT - The Trumpification of America is in full force. An executive order just issued from the Oval Office will change the name of the US capital from Washington, D.C., to Washington, D.T. “You’re going to see the beautiful, greatest new nation that’s unified with the name Trump on all the best landmarks and businesses. We’re talking all the majors, as in perhaps the place with the president’s faces on the rocks. Also, looking at the bridge in San Francisco. That city is a rat hole. The far-left liberals ruined that city with the help of Caramella Harris. They say it should be Comma-LA, but I say Caramella. Look at what happened to Alcatraz. They’re telling me you can only get there in a boat. It’s in the water. Horrible decision! Just ask Al Capone. But it’s coming back bigly when Trump takes over the bridge,” Donald rambled. The White House Communications Office released a list of landmarks, attractions, and businesses that will change names after executive orders are...

  Exotic all-inclusive vacations, like Sandals, are often geared toward young couples and honeymooners. Accommodations and activities are targeted to guests in their twenties to forties. Older couples like relaxing, tropical getaways too. “Baby boomers just wanna have fun.” What happens when you’ve reached retirement age and want to relax under a palm tree with your dentures floating in a piña colada? If you’re not very limber for limbo and you’re afraid you’ll lose your toupee on a jet ski, there is a solution. Escape on a Jazzy scooter to an Orthopedic Sandals Resort. Paradise with grab bars is just a mouse click away. Book an early-bird flight, and soon you’ll be stumbling across a white sand beach. At Orthopedic Sandals, you will enjoy all the amenities you expect with upgrades you won’t find at thong-wearing millennial locations. You’ll feel comfortable packing a cane, a CPAP, a walker, or a prosthetic. Resort life for seniors is our specialty. Extra-wide strolling pathways th...

  Washington, DC – The canine nation is on high alert since the confirmation of Kristi Noem, former governor of South Dakota and dog assassin, as Secretary of Homeland Security. Noem has been on the Watch Dog’s List since it was revealed she took out her family dog, Cricket, for being “untrainable.” Thousands of dogs have banded together to provide security for “man’s best friend.” In NJ, the newly formed Proud Puppies have taken to dog parks and playgrounds to provide armed protection to the now vulnerable pets. “We purchased an AR-15 for our Rottweiler, Mr. Doddles, so he could join the Proud Puppies,” Alberta Alpo told reporters. “Dogs all over the state are standing at attention to ensure their security and protect from possible deportation.” Cesar Salado, a professional dog interpreter, has volunteered to speak for the dog militias forming across the country. Salado has been in close contact with the performers of Señor Pepe’s Chihuahua Circus. The Texas Terriers have been wor...

  Resolution, Resolution, Resolution! It’s that mid-holiday period when people feel the need to come up with a resolution for the new year. This year they’ll eat healthier, read more books, spend more family time, be savvier with finances, not wear their pajamas in public, shoplift less, stop selling organs on the black market, etc. It’s all a head game. Every day is an opportunity to make a change, but for some reason we like to make an official declaration on January 1. We’re given 365 days to decide what we need to work on and it has to begin after the ball drops. A friend said she was eliminating carbs in 2024. In February she accidentally ate a crouton. The tiny, dried piece of bread sent her into a shame spiral. In despair, she opened a Door Dash account and ordered Auntie Anne’s, Cinnabon, Panera Bread, Dunkin and Crumbl cookies. Her resolution for 2025 is to lose 100 pounds, and once again, cut out carbs. Compounding resolutions is never a good trend. Stick to one thing. By...