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Showing posts from 2023

Our Dearly Departures

Have you ever dreamt of a tomb with a view? If you’ve longed to live abroad, but weren’t able to escape your  nine-to-five   commitments at home, planning a trip at the end of a lifetime can be right at your cold, dead fingertips.    Paul Bearer, LLC. International will plan your exclusive  Destination Funeral.  No need to pack bags for the last, endless vacation. Spend eternity surrounded by spectacular vistas and ages of history in the country of your choice. Don’t settle for a cemetery off Route 130 by the Super Walmart. Make your final journey the envy of your loved ones.    Imagine your resting place situated on a cliff overlooking the blue Mediterranean Sea, a Parisian landmark where you can rub boney elbows with Oscar Wilde, Edith Piaf and rock star Jim Morrison, or be sprinkled discreetly in the Trevi Fountain where your final wishes come true.    Why leave your assets to ungrateful family members? Spend them on a trip they’ll never forget. Your, embalmed or cremated remains, w

Just for the Smell of It - A History of Fragrance

We live in a world of smells. It’s one of our five senses and the one we’re most obsessed with. From ancient civilizations to now, we’ve been busy creating smells to hide other smells. Eliminating the funk for fabulous is the goal. From the primordial sludge, life began. The broth of creation surely didn’t smell like perfume. We didn’t evolve from a vat of Estee Lauder. There’s no record of its aromatic fragrance since whoever was crawling out forgot to take a sample. Scientists say the closest to the original gaseous mixture they’ve found is Campbell’s Hungry Man Soup.    Neanderthals and Cro Magnons weren’t big on keeping notes so we know little about prehistoric hygiene practices. Unfortunately, the one remaining family of Neanderthals, who lived in a trailer park in Tooberville, GA, disappeared in 1965. The family of Bob and Chrissy Homo-Erectomins, fled their Airstream when scientists started sniffing around.    Anthropologist, Margaret Mead, visited the trailer. She noted it appe

SPARKS BRIEF: Is Rihanna An Alien?

  Washington, D.C. – Marjorie Taylor Greene, Congresswoman, former Waffle House waitress and Miss Georgia Peach Pit 1990, has demanded the search and capture of pop singer, Rihanna.   “She’s an illegal space alien and a threat to national security,” Greene said last night during the podcast—   Anyone Can Be in Congress. “Rihanna floated into the Super Bowl on a space sled and took the stadium hostage. Biden should have had the Air Force take her down immediately.” Greene believes the alien invasion started with the “so called” Chinese Spy Balloon.    "What kind of name is Rihanna? Clearly not from this earth. Where I grew up, regular names were Billy Bubba, Wanda Lou, Tammy June, Clovis and Pickles,” Greene said. “Why weren’t spectators shocked? Greene stated Rihanna hijacked the game and brainwashed millions of American citizens. “She was clearly sending messages of world domination through some weird musical code, while guarded by a squadron of stormtroopers in white.”  “She’s t

From Poppin' Fresh to Poppin' Pills

  I ran into my friend Rose, the other day, and asked how she’d been. She said she was stressed because her mom was ill. I politely inquired about her condition like I was CNN’s Sanjay Gupta. She’d been diagnosed with moleopothy— a sudden eruption of hairy moles on her face. After my initial gasp of horror and an urge to make a werewolf reference, I asked if the doctor prescribed Molezympica. She said “yes” and immediately I went into my fair balance spiel.    I told her to monitor for side effects and discontinue use if her mom has sudden onset unibrow, drooping nipples, howling at the full moon, undressing by fire hydrants, a desire to eat meals in the basement or if one of her moles starts talking.    I inquired if her mom had any pets? The most adverse reaction is extreme and deadly flatulence fatal to pets under 30 pounds. Rose looked concerned and said  Mr. Sniffles, a chihuahua, had been staggering around the house.   “How do you know all this drug information?” she asked.   “TV

The CABG Patched Kid

I haven’t been a hospital patient since I was in grade school. I remember the nurses dressed in white uniforms with pillbox hats looking like Jackie Kennedy’s bridesmaids. They were visions of purity, supplying drugs and sponge baths. Immaculate angels in white— the appropriate color to wear when blood and body fluids are only a squirt away.   IV Bottles, syringes and thermometers were made of glass. When the Good Humor person of medicine came bearing a cylinder filled with toxic mercury, you had to make sure you didn’t bite down. Also, pray they didn’t tell you to roll on your side. “No sneaking in the back door. That’s a no glass insertion zone, Nurse Ratched!”   Surgical procedures, medical technology and patient care has progressed far from what I remembered as a six-year-old. Hospital stays are as brief as possible. They throw you out of bed hours after surgery. When I had my appendix taking out, I was in-patient until my stitches could be removed. I was there so long I had my add

SPARKS BRIEF: Santos Lies Are Out of This World

  Washington, D.C. -  Congressman, George Santos, stunned reporters this morning at a press conference, held at the Motel 6 Washington, DC - Convention Center, when he admitted to lying to the country and his constituents in the 3 rd  District of New York.    Santos entered the room wearing white pants and a white bed sheet, wrapped around his torso. It was held together with a brown belt and he carried a florescent light tube. “I’ve had to make up many stories to protect this country and the entire world.” He told a room packed with news correspondents.   “At last, I can reveal the truth. My real name is George Lucas Skytos. I’m a Jedish Knight sent here from another galaxy, far, far away. I’m here to save this planet,” Santos said.    He explained that he was told to create a false identity by his father, the Supreme Leader of the Empire— Darth Donald.    “I’ve posed incognito as a graduate of Baruch College and NYU, a star volleyball player, a Wall Street guru, a Jewish/Catholic gay

SPARKS BRIEF: Pie-eyed with Power

  Capitol Hill, MN:  On January 6 th , fifteen-time loser, Marjorie Tyler Kelly, was named the winner of the 2023 National Pie Baking Contest held at the Holiday Inn Express in Capitol Hill, Minnesota. This annual crusty event celebrated its 118 th  year awarding the top honor to amateur baker Ms. Kelly.  Former twenty-time champion, Head Judge - Millie Musgrave, said she was speechless when this year’s winner was announced. “Ms. Kelly has the tenacity to submit her concoctions every year, but I’m astounded she was able to grab the top award.” Musgrave went onto say that Kelly had a tough and gritty personality, “Pretty much like her pies.” The panel of twenty judges deliberated into the early morning hours of January 6 th  before declaring Kelly the winner. According to an unnamed source, the judges were split on awarding the prize to a pie that clearly was the worst pie in MN.  Musgrave, who was the head judge this year, said, “Kelly’s pie, an Apple Streusel Chocolate Surprise, was b