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Showing posts from 2023

Christmas Mania - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

  Six weeks ago, I awoke to find myself stuck to my living room floor covered in pine sap and tinsel.  Two squirrels were giving me the stink eye and clutching their nuts. I felt shock and awe when I realized I’d ripped my neighbors pine tree out of their yard and brought it home to decorate. I’d never sleep walked before, so a major concern was my neighbors would follow the trail of dirt from the hole in their garden to the front door of my house. Several nights later, I was startled awake by the smoke alarm blaring. My head was stuck in a mixing bowl of cookie dough and there was an oven mitt on my foot. Evidently, I was baking cookies in my sleep and a timer was not part of my stupor. With singed eyebrows, I doused the fire and threw out the charcoal briquettes I’d lovingly baked. Over a mug of hot chocolate and sixteen sugar cookies, I put on my Nancy Drew thinking cap and tried to figure out what was happening. My Christmas mojo was in extreme overdrive. “I’m holiday unhinged,” I

Celebrity Skin is In

  In Hollywood, beauty is not skin deep. It’s lays on the surface where it’s been pulled, tucked, plucked, plumped and botoxed. Adoring fans don’t look at a star and say she has a kind personality. It’s more of, “look at those cheekbones and perky nipples.” Her face is a relief map of silicone and her nipples designer branded. With so many bits of epidermis nipped away each year, celebrity skin has accumulated to the point that a Frankenstein-style entertainer could be pieced together. Celebrities are a commodity so everything about them has value–– from public appearances, autographs, clothes that have touched their bodies to the extra skin they’ve discarded. Instead of disposing the by-product of a new imagined beauty, a corporation, Dermatron, has been born. This company sells the excess skin of the stars to patients in need. “There’s suddenly a huge demand for well-known flesh. We’re going to change the complexion of reconstructive surgery techniques,” advised Aretha Alopecia, CEO
San Francisco, CA – Each year everyone receives the same platitude— “Happy Birthday!” As with all humans on the planet, we’ve taken a trip through the birth canal. We’re yanked into a harsh world feeling cold, limp and definitely uncoordinated. There are no gifts or a cake with candles.  The event is our physical ‘Birthday Day.’ All years following are just the anniversaries of the day we were born. We’re never truly born again. Unless, of course, we donate to  Johnny Hallelujah’s Ministry of Mother Mary Bejesus, Son of God, Who saved Mary Magdalene from Prostitution and Hang Out with Seven Apostles, Baptist Church and Theme Park.   Then spiritually you’re born again. You’ll also receive a lifetime pass to the Escape from Sodom and Gomorrah Water Slide. If you’re not into religion, it’s now possible to reexperience your first birthday. The Welcoming Womb Rebirth Center, in San Francisco, just opened its doors ten centimeters.  Jovan Musk, Elon’s sister, is the CEO and creator of the Ce

The Worst of Times

There’s the best of times, there’s the worst of times. Mostly, it’s the worst. I’m talking Times Square. The place where the ball drops on New Year’s Eve. We all think Times Square is the place to be in NYC. Actually, it’s nothing but a brightly lit tourist trap on steroids.     Being in the center of Times Square is like being a mouse in the electronics department at Best Buy. You’re surrounded by thousands of beady eyes all fixated on the surrounding LED and Jumbotron screens while fellow rodents step on your tail trying to get a better view.    They say New York is so nice they “named it twice.” But, you won’t mention Times Square twice, unless you’re making a 911 call.    “Hello 911, how can I assist you?” “Help, I’m in Times Square.” “What’s the problem?” “I’m in Times Square.”   Around 1892 the area now known as Times Square was the center for the horse carriage industry. It was called Longacre Square. This was way before Elmo and the Naked Cowboy immigrated to Manhattan.    Evid

The Job I Didn't Know I Had

  I have several part-time jobs. Call me crazy but I don’t remember the application process or the interview. There was no offer letter or a benefits package. I work a flexible schedule. Whenever I decide to show up, I’m on the clock.   I ’m moonlighting at Shoprite, Target, Michael’s, Home Depot, Lowes, Walmart and occasionally some random store like CVS with one employee stocking shelves. It seems as if most big-box stores have decided the shopping experience should include self-checkout. I must bring my own shopping bags, peruse the store and work the registers.  They put in self-checkout lanes as if it’s a perk we’ve been denied.  Dear Shopper,   We’ve read your suggestions from our nonstop email surveys. We’re happy to say we’ve determined you don’t have enough to do navigating our stores, scanning each item with our extra savings phone app, and choreographing your aisle movements to avoid the fellow shopper who’s knocked down four store displays maneuvering a shopping cart, the s

TATTLE TALES: The Real Dirt on Snow

  This is a transcript of the interrogation of the infamous Dwarf Seven who are implicated in the disappearance and possible death of the Princess Snow White.   August 8, Once Upon a Time   Present: The Dwarf Seven: Bear, Otter, Twink, Jock, Diva, Daddy & Chub Interrogator: Constable, Jack B. Nimble Stenographer: Retta Riding Hood   Constable Jack : This is official dwarf testimony in the case of the missing Princess, Snow White. This crime was first brought to my attention when it was reported a body had been stolen from a glass casket in the Enchanted Forest. The Three Little Pig Detectives responded to the anonymous tip which lead to the residence of the Dwarf Seven.   Daddy will act as the spokes-dwarf for the group. Although, all dwarfs are encouraged to corroborate the details. I plan to separate the fact from the fiction of this tale. Please share how you came to know the Princess Snow White.   Daddy Dwarf:  The manic princess broke into our Enchanted Forest cottage. She tra
  I don’t like public transportation, public pools, public parks, public forums, public opinion polls— See a trend? Anything involving the general population has never been a favorite. But of all things, the worst are public restrooms.   They’re the scourge of humanity. A porcelain Temple of Doom. Any place where a group of strangers congregates to take care of bodily functions is nightmare adjacent.  From the time I was a child, I feared the boy’s room. At my elementary school, the class took a bathroom break together. We walked single file to the lavatory like a chain gang. The restroom was in the basement of the old schoolhouse. It was a dungeon with plumbing. I guess my life was sheltered. I wasn’t part of any pre-school gang— no Cribs versus the Binkies. No Romper Room rumble. My knowledge of bathrooms was a potty chair.  Urinals were alien to me. I didn’t grow up with The Big Golden Book of Urinals. Taking a wall     whiz was not in my frame of reference. The first time I saw the

What's on the Menu at Mar-a-Lago?

Palm Beach, FL – As part of the FBI and Dept. of Justice probe into missing classified documents, it was discovered that Mar-a-Lago’s Club Restaurant added box lunches to its menu in 2022. Helena Rubenschmaltz, a club member of Trump’s resort stated, “They were like big Happy Meals that came with a top-secret document.” “I ordered the People’s Republic of Chinese Chicken Salad and received a big white box with a sandwich and classified information about China’s nuclear capabilities,” Rubenschmaltz told investigators. According to waitstaff at the restaurant, they were told to promote the box lunch specials to all patrons. “We were advised to tell the diners to take the complimentary box home with them,” reported Guadalupe Maria Josefina Violeta Smith. FBI agent, Hoover Hammersmyth, said that Trump was trying to move boxes through the resort’s food service. Photos of boxes stored all over the Palm Beach resort were included in the federal indictment released on June 9. “We seized one bo

Our Dearly Departures

Have you ever dreamt of a tomb with a view? If you’ve longed to live abroad, but weren’t able to escape your  nine-to-five   commitments at home, planning a trip at the end of a lifetime can be right at your cold, dead fingertips.    Paul Bearer, LLC. International will plan your exclusive  Destination Funeral.  No need to pack bags for the last, endless vacation. Spend eternity surrounded by spectacular vistas and ages of history in the country of your choice. Don’t settle for a cemetery off Route 130 by the Super Walmart. Make your final journey the envy of your loved ones.    Imagine your resting place situated on a cliff overlooking the blue Mediterranean Sea, a Parisian landmark where you can rub boney elbows with Oscar Wilde, Edith Piaf and rock star Jim Morrison, or be sprinkled discreetly in the Trevi Fountain where your final wishes come true.    Why leave your assets to ungrateful family members? Spend them on a trip they’ll never forget. Your, embalmed or cremated remains, w