Sparks Ignites

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SPARKS BRIEF: Pets in a Panic!!

Philadelphia, PA – Millions of pet owners woke up this morning to empty dog and cat beds. This follows Trump’s announcement, during the presidential debate, that Haitian immigrants are eating people’s pets. Now, scores of four-legged fugitives are trying to escape the crockpot. Peter Pawson, manager of the Pup & Puss Hotline, said they’ve received thousands of calls concerning missing pets. “Not only are the pets gone so are their beds, toys and food. This is happening across the country not just in Springfield, Ohio. We've had reports of a Mastiff stealing its owner's car in Alabama and an encampment of dogs playing poker in the New York subway. “Miss Muffy left and took her kitty condo, all her Fancy Feast® and basket of her catnip squeaky toys,” Eileen Leasher from Pasadena, California told Pawson. “She scratched out a note but I’ll need Cesar Millan to interpret it.” “My Pomeranian, Sugar Pie, took her four puppies, and my Louis Vuitton luggage and headed for the hills,

SPARKS BRIEF: Queen Bey Gets Catty in Detroit

Detroit, MI - A special remix of Beyoncé’s hit song “Single Ladies” will be released tomorrow as “Single Cat Ladies (Put a Collar on It).” All proceeds, of the new track, will be donated to the Harris-Walz 2024 campaign. Queen Bey will perform the new version at the Harris-Walz rally in Detroit on Monday. Katy Furkenton, President and Founder of Women with Felines International (WFI), said “Ladies from all fifty states grabbed their pu**ies and headed to the Motor City.” According to FAA officials, flights to Detroit, on all major airlines, are completely booked through the Labor Day Weekend, “The excitement building for this consequential event is creating cat scratch fever among our members,” Furkenton said. “We’re putting our paws up and howling our way to victory.” Cat carriers across the US are sold out as the women of WFI packed up their four-legged friends for the road trip of a lifetime. “We’re going to show Vance what powers single cat ladies have. There’s no pussy footing aro

SPARKS BRIEF: DeSanitizing Education in the Sunshine State

With the new school year starting, Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis wants to bring back 18 th century education to universities and colleges. In a speech delivered a few months ago, from atop his personal boot hill, the governor stated he wanted to see “ a classical education similar to what our Founding Fathers had when they went to universities. ” “Course curriculum and student life is changing drastically for the 2024-25 academic years. Thanks to DeSantis’s look backward thinking,” said Heidi Haverford, spokesperson for the University of South Beach. “We’re going to see students in powdered hair extensions and fraternities holding wooden keg parties.” The universities turning back the clock to Thomas Jefferson’s freshman year will offer courses applicable to the time of smallpox and wooden teeth. “Freshman students will be able to study: The Art of Dentistry (using farm tools for extractions), Livestock Veterinarian (how to shoe a horse or choke a chicken), Village Doctoring (how t

SPARKS BRIEF: Color Me Conservative

Washington, D.C. – It’s reported that Republican vice-presidential candidate, J.D. Vance, is wearing eye liner at all his campaign appearances. MAGA rally attendees are swooning over how his eyes pop at the podium. “He’s a right good-looking fella,” said Polly Carbon, a staunch MAGA supporter. “His eyes are blue pools I could belly flop into.” A Trump campaign insider told sources, “Vance might be coughing up a hairball in his stump speeches but those hillbilly eyes don’t lie.” “Political theater has been taken to a whole new level in Trump‘s Republican party. The smoke and mirrors of 2020 have been replaced by mascara and blush,” said democratic strategist, Apostrophela Harrison. A new cosmetic company, MAGA-MAC, is manufacturing makeup and skin care for conservatives who care about the look but not the substance. “I’ve learned that Elon Musk has privately funded the face paint for phonies. He’s gone from Tesla to T-Zone,” said Harrison. MAGA-MAC spokesperson, Kaylay M

SPARKS BRIEF: Trump Creates a Movement Wearing Depends

Palm Beach, FL – After receiving pressure from donors for using campaign money to fund his legal bills, TRUMP told affiliated PACs he’s saving dollars by using his stock of Depends® to protect his ear. “My Depends® are the best Depends®. They’re specially manufactured in the same location where my beautiful Trump Bibles are printed. They’re the highest quality adult diapers — all made from hand-picked cotton at my plantation – Trump Tara. No one has ever seen anything like them,” Trump said. He went on to report, “Every pair has the eleventh commandment embossed on the back. Most people don’t know there is an eleventh commandment. But there is and it's’ beautiful. God spoke to me during my witch hunt trial and said ‘Donald, Thou Shall Not Soil Thy Clothes.’ Isn’t that so fantastic. It was like Moses and the burning bush except mine was a spicy burrito in the men’s room.” VP candidate, J.D. Vance, was given his first official task during the campaign. He’s in charge of cutting

Big Holiday Blowout!

I experienced a holiday first this year. I spent the night in lockup at the county jail. It wasn’t so traumatic. It only added extra octane to my celebrations. I got to drink eggnog from a tin cup and harmonize “Jingle Bells” with a pickpocket Santa The jolly criminal was incarcerated because he Fleeced Navidad’ed shoppers in the mall and pulled cash from Victoria’s Secret drawers. Cellblock Santa was a merry old soul who smelled like peppermint with a base note of Hickory Farms Summer Sausage. I guess you’re wondering what happened. It’s a festive story filled with holiday splendor and action-film stunts. It happened because I’m a Christmas connoisseur– a purist when it comes to outdoor decorations. I grew up when the lights du jour were C9 bulbs. The big type that screwed into heavy cords. They got scorching hot when lit. So, you hung them on your house and shrubbery and then flipped on the power to see what you’d created. You waited for the smell of ozone to waft in the air and yo