19 October 2016

Hillary Hits the Showers Before Debate

According to a source close to the Clinton campaign, Hillary’s been practicing for tonight’s debate in a locker room.  An undisclosed Las Vegas high school has been the scene of intense preparation for the final showdown between Trump and Clinton.

“Hillary wanted to ascertain if what her opponent calls ‘Locker Room Talk’ is really as offensive as his lewd remarks on a bus,” a source told us.

Clinton has spent five days surrounded by sneakers, damp towels and Axe body spray. Twice her prep was interrupted by some towel snapping and a temper tantrum from the football team’s mascot.

“Hillary was outraged when she overheard the soccer coach tell his team that he couldn’t wait to get home to play with his pussy,” the source confirmed.

It was discovered that the coach in question had a new Siamese kitten and the team had bought some cat toys for “Mr. Mittens.”

Campaign officials hung several suggestive posters in the locker room trying to bait any unsuspecting males, but only two comments were heard.

“Who’s the cougar in the pantsuit?” and “I think one of the cafeteria ladies is running for mayor.”

“Overall, the locker room talk was not lewd or sexually suggestive,” the source reported. “There were a few f-bombs heard, but that was Hillary when checking-out WikiLeaks.”

It’s confirmed that Hillary packed up her duffle bag and is headed to the University of Nevada.

The source quoted Hillary saying, “This was a real learning experience. I have helpful knowledge for tonight’s debate. I learned to use Gold Bond in my Easy Spirits.”

14 October 2016

SPARKS BRIEF: Pumpkin Disorder Discovered!

The American Psychiatric Association announced a new seasonal disorder that is affecting millions across the country – Pumpkin Spice Traumatic Disorder (PSTD).

Sufferers of PSTD are stricken every fall when Pumpkin Spice is released across the nation. Limited editions of hundreds of products are created containing the pumpkin spice flavor and scent. This causes pumpkin enthusiasts to go out of their gourds trying to buy up all these items.

30 September 2016

The City Needs a Nap

New York, New York… Sounds so nice they named it twice. Not really, when you’re there you have to repeat it, because it’s noisy, overcrowded, and no one can hear you.  Mid-town Manhattan streets are cavernous canyons of cacophony.

Try a leisurely stroll through Times Square to take in the sights. It’s impossible. You’re fighting a swarm of people who are coming at you from every direction. “Watch out!” Tourists are stopping to have selfies taken with a Super Hero, a Disney Princess or a Giant Muppet.

“No kids, Tickle Me Elmo is in Toys R US, that’s HPV Elmo – stay away.”

“That’s Iron Lung Man. The real Iron Man doesn’t smoke or hack into his facemask.”

 “Oh Look! There’s orange Mr. Snuffleupagus. He lives in a tower on Fifth Avenue.”

It’s mass confusion and sensory overload. I need Xanax and a horse blinder so I don’t have a panic attack. I try to enjoy the arts and entertainment that New York has to offer; it’s just the city gets in the way.

I just spent several days in Manhattan and I’m exhausted.  It wasn’t that I had a hectic schedule, I just get drawn into the nonstop manic pace. The sidewalks are filled with gawkers, stalkers, lookers, hookers, offenders, street vendors, and that’s just in front of the Port Authority.

It truly is an amalgamation of languages, cultures, religions, incomes and Falafel carts. It’s said that New Yorkers are rude, loud, pushy and over-worked.  Stereotypes are timesavers, but I know they’re not completely true. I do believe all Manhattanites are tired. How could you not be living in a city that never goes to bed? 

There’s constant action and no dimmer switch on the lights in Times Square. They call it “The City that Never Sleeps.” There are various explanations why it gets the moniker. There is only one real reason though, and it’s Lady Liberty herself.  Yes, folks, since 1886 this plus-sized woman has been shining her torch over the city.

She was given her own private pad on Liberty Island to reside. Here the official hostess of the United States has been busy greeting immigrants into New York Harbor. She’s been holding a torch for the city way too long.

No wonder the city is up all night. She needs to sit down and put that light out. She’s already wearing a nightgown, so why doesn’t she give it a rest? In fact, I think “Lady L” needs to wade her way into town for a makeover.

I hate to break it to her, but that crown is so 1900’s.  Immigrants aren’t arriving by boat anymore. She could take a long weekend to modernize herself. Has girlfriend looked in a mirror lately? She’s a little weather worn and “green around the gills.”

A trip through The Red Door at Elizabeth Arden and some shopping at Saks would certainly help. A nice pantsuit seems appropriate for a woman representing the U.S. She has to promise to get rid of the torch and buy something new to read.

That book she’s been carrying around has a publication date of 1776. Either she’s a really slow reader or she needs an Amazon Prime membership. Let’s buy her a book light or better yet get her a Kindle.

We all want Miss Liberty in the harbor as an iconic figure for the country. She just needs to adjust her work schedule. She’s getting up there in age and needs to slow down. Please “Lady L”, try some meditation – the city needs a nap.

20 August 2016

Trump Takes it Over the Rainbow

During a campaign rally in Topeka, KS, Donald Trump claimed President Obama was directly responsible for the illegal forced deportation of a young farm girl. According to Trump, Dorothy Gale, age 12, was forcibly removed from her house and taken across the border to the hostile land of Oz.

“Failed domestic policies and a struggling economy under the Obama Administration has forced Kansas farmers to remain in Tornado Alley.” Trump told pitchfork wielding supporters.

 “Yes folks, President Obama has allowed terrorist tornadoes to form, and a little girl lost her home and her dog.”
Trump continued, “People said that Dorothy was left alone amongst radical munchkins who are part a dangerous organization known as the Lollipop Guild. I’m hearing they could be a threat to national security and Obama’s doing nothing to stop them.”

“Crooked Hilary and the Clinton Foundation have accepted money from the Emerald City and a mysterious wizard,” Trump went on to say in a blustery manner.

“Both President Obama and Hilary Clinton have allowed hundreds of monkeys to disappear from U.S. zoos. They were secretly transported to Oz where they are given wings and become the terrorist foot soldiers of a corrupt witch sisterhood.”

Trump told his cheering supporters in an attempt to escape captivity and return home, young Dorothy was manipulated by the Wizard of Oz to kill the Wicked Witch of the West – a broom riding radicalized killer.

“After a horrific experience that no one should have to endure, believe me, Dorothy has safely returned to the USA, and she is so happy to be home.” Trump advised the crowd.

In a moment of solidarity for Dorothy, Trump’s supporters chanted “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home!”

Trump also stated that Ms. Gale is being treated for Post Traumatic Oz Syndrome. “Folks, due to Obama’s horrible Affordable Care Act, Dorothy struggles daily with finding quality medical attention, but that will change quickly when I’m elected in November,”

“I will make sure that Dorothy has so much health care, she will be tired of healthcare. She will be safe in a country that will not allow illegal munchkins over the rainbow.”

Trump claims that Crooked Hilary paid for an expensive pair of ruby slippers to buy Dorothy’s silence in this national security issue.

“His statements are false and have no substance,” Obama said when questioned about Trump’s speech. “They sound like a fairy tale to me,” he replied.
At his next rally, Trump plans to reveal a huge waste of tax payers’ dollars. He claims he has knowledge of Obama’s top secret executive order to Journey to the Center of the Earth.

07 July 2016

An Egg-Centric Cookout

We’ve just celebrated Independence Day and the grilling days of summer are underway. Millions of Americans celebrate July Fourth with backyard barbeques and continue their outside cooking throughout the season.