Sparks Ignites

I have a personal relationship with my bladder. I know it seems odd. We’re not dating, although it does come along with me everywhere I go. For the most part, it’s a tolerable partnership, except when it gets pissed off. We became close several years ago when I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Any organ or body part that decides to revolt immediately gets attention. Luckily my bladder leaked information, and they found the malignancy at an early stage. This was good news and bad news. The cancer was treatable, but the process involved numerous cystoscopies and catheterizations. This is an exciting procedure where a tube with a camera is inserted into a small hole down in your southern hemisphere. The doctor can then view inside your bladder like he’s James Cameron searching for hidden treasure on the Titanic. I was allowed to watch the deep bladder diving on a video screen. Inside the bladder, it’s pink and wrinkled like a geriatric Barbie. I was hoping to see a couple of minnows or ...

  Washington, DT - The Trumpification of America is in full force. An executive order just issued from the Oval Office will change the name of the US capital from Washington, D.C., to Washington, D.T. “You’re going to see the beautiful, greatest new nation that’s unified with the name Trump on all the best landmarks and businesses. We’re talking all the majors, as in perhaps the place with the president’s faces on the rocks. Also, looking at the bridge in San Francisco. That city is a rat hole. The far-left liberals ruined that city with the help of Caramella Harris. They say it should be Comma-LA, but I say Caramella. Look at what happened to Alcatraz. They’re telling me you can only get there in a boat. It’s in the water. Horrible decision! Just ask Al Capone. But it’s coming back bigly when Trump takes over the bridge,” Donald rambled. The White House Communications Office released a list of landmarks, attractions, and businesses that will change names after executive orders are...

  Exotic all-inclusive vacations, like Sandals, are often geared toward young couples and honeymooners. Accommodations and activities are targeted to guests in their twenties to forties. Older couples like relaxing, tropical getaways too. “Baby boomers just wanna have fun.” What happens when you’ve reached retirement age and want to relax under a palm tree with your dentures floating in a piña colada? If you’re not very limber for limbo and you’re afraid you’ll lose your toupee on a jet ski, there is a solution. Escape on a Jazzy scooter to an Orthopedic Sandals Resort. Paradise with grab bars is just a mouse click away. Book an early-bird flight, and soon you’ll be stumbling across a white sand beach. At Orthopedic Sandals, you will enjoy all the amenities you expect with upgrades you won’t find at thong-wearing millennial locations. You’ll feel comfortable packing a cane, a CPAP, a walker, or a prosthetic. Resort life for seniors is our specialty. Extra-wide strolling pathways th...

  Washington, DC – The canine nation is on high alert since the confirmation of Kristi Noem, former governor of South Dakota and dog assassin, as Secretary of Homeland Security. Noem has been on the Watch Dog’s List since it was revealed she took out her family dog, Cricket, for being “untrainable.” Thousands of dogs have banded together to provide security for “man’s best friend.” In NJ, the newly formed Proud Puppies have taken to dog parks and playgrounds to provide armed protection to the now vulnerable pets. “We purchased an AR-15 for our Rottweiler, Mr. Doddles, so he could join the Proud Puppies,” Alberta Alpo told reporters. “Dogs all over the state are standing at attention to ensure their security and protect from possible deportation.” Cesar Salado, a professional dog interpreter, has volunteered to speak for the dog militias forming across the country. Salado has been in close contact with the performers of Señor Pepe’s Chihuahua Circus. The Texas Terriers have been wor...

  Resolution, Resolution, Resolution! It’s that mid-holiday period when people feel the need to come up with a resolution for the new year. This year they’ll eat healthier, read more books, spend more family time, be savvier with finances, not wear their pajamas in public, shoplift less, stop selling organs on the black market, etc. It’s all a head game. Every day is an opportunity to make a change, but for some reason we like to make an official declaration on January 1. We’re given 365 days to decide what we need to work on and it has to begin after the ball drops. A friend said she was eliminating carbs in 2024. In February she accidentally ate a crouton. The tiny, dried piece of bread sent her into a shame spiral. In despair, she opened a Door Dash account and ordered Auntie Anne’s, Cinnabon, Panera Bread, Dunkin and Crumbl cookies. Her resolution for 2025 is to lose 100 pounds, and once again, cut out carbs. Compounding resolutions is never a good trend. Stick to one thing. By...

  I was raised in a Catholic household, so what did I know from Hannukah? In my elementary school brain, it was the Jewish equivalent of Christmas. I didn’t know about holiday traditions evolving over time. For me, the manger in Bethlehem was decked out with a tree, inflatable Santa decorations, live animals, angels on high, the Three Kings, the seven fishes, and a big piñata. There was inclusiveness in 6 BC. Let the choir sing— Away in a Silent Night Christmas Bells are Ringing Feliz Navidad . I grew up learning about the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, the Virgin Mary, Noah and the Easter Bunny.     I also knew the Ten Commandments and that Moses, with his burning bush, traveled to the Planet of the Apes after he led his people out of slavery. As a child, there weren’t Jewish families in my neighborhood. Esther Appelbaum and Sidney Finegold were in my class but they lived across town. While I was schlepping my way to school every day Esther was dropped off by a Linc...