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Trumpenstein's Beautiful Miracle Cure

Ladies and Gentlemen:
Are you feeling lazy, listless, cabin feverish? Are you unable to party like it’s 1999 days of quarantine? Do you want to ignore social distancing, throw caution to a sneeze and get a tattoo? If your roots are as gray as your mood and you’re just sick of it all, head down to Dr. Trumpenstein’s Viral Spa.
Lay back in the most beautiful facility ever, and receive a cutting-edge treatment formulated by Trumpenstein himself. He’s not a licensed doctor, but he’s a stable genius, has the best brain and knows more than all the medical professionals. 
After consulting with our lead technician, Pam Demic, you’ll be disrobed and placed on one of our warming trays. Experience the hot, cleansing rays of UV and infrared light. You’ll feel like an extra-large order of McDonald’s fries. 
The treatment is weight based so if you tend to be on the big-boned spectrum, we’ll shoot the light where the sun doesn’t shine. Our individualized care allows you to decide which orifice we u…
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The History Channel's on a Roll

New York, NY  – Today in a press conference, Eli Lehrer, Executive Vice President of Original Programming for the History Channel, announced the premiere of its new show, TP Pickers
Lehrer informed a group of socially distanced reporters; the show was rushed into production to help people with the scarce household necessity during this terrible pandemic. “We have a huge duty to provide timely programming,” Lehrer said. 
Hosts, Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz, who have a knack for sniffing out family jewels, will hit the road in their 1985 Ford Econoline Van with a fire lit under their seats to search out toilet paper for desperate families.
Fritz joins TP Pickers after a career as a professional poker player. “I was known as the King of the Royal Flush,” Fritz said. 
In teasers for the program, Wolfe can be heard yelling, “We’ll travel to every small town and bang on back doors until we find a roll.”
In the first episode, The Piles family from Butte, Montana, are in crisis after Taco Tu…

Six Feet of Separation

People are saying in this time of crisis we need to find something positive to help us cope with a stressful situation.  I’ve found the most positive thing I could ever hope for– Social Distancing. For anyone with social anxiety this is equivalent to winning the Power Ball. 
I’ve never been a people person. Although many have the impression I’m social, these are the same people who believe that David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. It’s all a distraction to reality. As our illustrious leader said “what you’re seeing is not what’s happening.”
With anxiety, my optimal personal space radius is the square footage of Costco. Being anywhere in a crowd is a challenge. Without a pandemic, most places are usually to “peopley.” I prefer a slow day at the mall, like during a tornado. Hey, I can deal with a few flying cars or a stray cow. I’ve watched Twister and Helen Hunt has nothing on me. 
Even when I’ve fully engaged my forcefield, most people are clueless of their own per…

SPARKS BRIEF: Trump Demands Ratings Increase

Washington, D.C. - According to our whistleblower, Trump summoned his defense team to the White House Friday night as his historic impeachment trial nears its inevitable conclusion. 
Trump fumed over slumping ratings and the fact that more households had tuned in to watch soap operas. The conservative Media Research Center has called it a “ratings disaster.” 
Earlier in the week, after finding out the Nixon Watergate Hearings had higher ratings, Trump ordered the Thanksgiving turkey Butter, whom he pardoned in 2019, be brought back to the White House. Butter was unpardoned, deep fried in Dunkin Donut oil and served with a side of KFC mashed potatoes.  
Later, he was seen waving a turkey drumstick at a Tomb Guard in Arlington Cemetery demanding to be given the name of the Unknown Solider.
At the late-night meeting, Trump told his lawyers the trial was the “best impeachment ever,” and that all shows should be suspended while the proceedings are being broadcast. Jay Sekulow, Trump’s pri…

The White House Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the White House the Impeachment Trial is looming for the lyin’, orange louse. Don Jr. is saying “No Quid Pro Quo” like the rest. Melania’s locked in her bedroom, telling everyone Be Best.
Ivanka’s stuffing stockings with her cheap knock-off shoes, while Rudy’s yelling Biden dirt, with his nose glowing from booze. Kelly Conway is stoking the flames of hate,  while Eric in his onesie hopes Santa’s not late.
When out on the South Lawn there arose such a clatter, the Secret Service rushed to see what was the matter. Taking proper precautions, safety’s always chancy, House Dems were on the grounds with their leader Nancy.
They held tight in their fists the Impeachment Articles – two, It’s Donnie’s gift for his behavior. The Constitutional thing to do.
“Come out of the Oval Office and surrender yourself. We know of your corruption from the whistleblower - Elf on the Shelf.” They yelled, shouted and called him by name. “Come out here crooked Trump. Admit to y…

New Products to Bring Out the Merry!!!

New York, NY – Consumers spend billions of dollars every year to give themselves and others a Merry Christmas. Although the largest percentage of money is for gift giving, a substantial amount goes to decorations, food and other holiday-themed products.
Manufacturers have seen how the Pumpkin Spice craze has infiltrated the market during the Fall. Companies sell everything from cereal to shower gel featuring our favorite orange squash. 
Many manufacturers who lagged behind in featuring pumpkin products are making the foray into the profit-rich winter holiday season. 
Thomas Linebottom, President of the National Manufacturers Association reported, “The success of Hallmark holiday movies has made consumers eager to surround themselves with everything Christmas. Research has shown that any product with a holiday theme will increase profits by 75% and make us see silver and gold.”
The Association’s issued a list of new products aimed at making the season more festive. Look for the follow…

Flash Frozen Flight

I don’t do well at airports. There’s complete system overload just to get from point A to B. My official travel preparation begins with dirty martinis and Xanax. I’ve diagnosed myself with Air Travel Hysteria.
As soon as I drag my suitcase to the check-in line, I question my decision to travel.  Why do I want to be propelled to 35,000 feet in an aluminum tube? I’m feeling extreme pressure already and I’m going to enter a pressurized cabin. I’ve seen coke cans spring a leak in better conditions. 
Oh God, will my luggage tip the scale like the Biggest Loser who’s binged on Twinkies? I cheer it on and smile proudly when it’s under the weight restriction. With a tear in my eye, I watch my new hard-shell beauty disappear into the black hole of baggage handling. 
Will it be there when I reach my destination? Images flash in my mind of me standing in LAX, while my lonely boxer briefs are circling the baggage carousel in Poughkeepsie.
When it does greet me, like a brave solider from battle, it’s …