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Flash Frozen Flight

I don’t do well at airports. There’s complete system overload just to get from point A to B. My official travel preparation begins with dirty martinis and Xanax. I’ve diagnosed myself with Air Travel Hysteria.
As soon as I drag my suitcase to the check-in line, I question my decision to travel.  Why do I want to be propelled to 35,000 feet in an aluminum tube? I’m feeling extreme pressure already and I’m going to enter a pressurized cabin. I’ve seen coke cans spring a leak in better conditions. 
Oh God, will my luggage tip the scale like the Biggest Loser who’s binged on Twinkies? I cheer it on and smile proudly when it’s under the weight restriction. With a tear in my eye, I watch my new hard-shell beauty disappear into the black hole of baggage handling. 
Will it be there when I reach my destination? Images flash in my mind of me standing in LAX, while my lonely boxer briefs are circling the baggage carousel in Poughkeepsie.
When it does greet me, like a brave solider from battle, it’s …
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All I Want For Christmas Is More, More and More Christmas!!

Six weeks ago, I awoke to find myself stuck to my living room floor covered in pine sap and tinsel.  Two squirrels were giving me the stink eye and clutching their nuts. I felt shock and awe when I realized I’d ripped my neighbors pine tree out of their yard and brought it home to decorate. 
I’d never sleep walked before, so a major concern was my neighbors would follow the trail of dirt from the hole in their garden to the front door of my house.
Several nights later, I was startled awake by the smoke alarm blaring. My head was stuck in a mixing bowl of cookie dough and there was an oven mitt on my foot. Evidently, I was baking cookies in my sleep and a timer was not part of my stupor. 
With singed eyebrows, I doused the fire and threw out the charcoal briquettes I’d lovingly baked. Over a mug of hot chocolate and sixteen sugar cookies, I put on my Nancy Drew thinking cap and tried to figure out what was happening. My Christmas mojo was in extreme overdrive. 
“I’m holiday unhinged,” I to…

TATTLE TALES: Spilling the Beans on Jack

I, Lady Colleen Cadbury, being of reasonably sound mind and more than ample body, do declare this is my last will and testament. At the time of my demise, I bequeath my possessions to the Spittleworth Home for Village Idiots –– where my son, Jack, will most likely end up. That is, if he isn’t crushed or eaten by Big Betty, widow of the late Beanstalk Giant.

Death Doesn't Become Us

What people fear the most after speaking in public and being trapped in an elevator with Harvey Weinstein – is death. Tucked away in a compartment of our brain labeled “Denial” resides a black-robed figure waving a scythe. We know who it is, but we’re just not comfortable waving back.
The acknowledgement is too uncomfortable. Let’s avoid any reference until we are forced by circumstances we can’t avoid. We all know the words are Dead, Death or Die. There is such a tremendous fear we skirt around the topic using phrases that don’t mention the three “D’s.”.
If we don’t utter the words it won’t deliver the real impact. Sweeten the bitterness of it all with a clever expression. An innocuous comment and we remove mental images of corpses and coffins. They’re not “DEAD,” they’re just not here anymore.
We’ve all heard them, and used a few. It sounds so final and tragic to say “dad is dead” rather than “dad has departed.” What’s so bad about dad taking a lengthy trip. Bon Voyage daddy, but rem…

TATTLE TALES: Lock Her Up!!

May 5, 1897 – Police Gazette News
 The Enchanted Forest Police issued a restraining order today against a Gold E. Locks. The plaintiff, Mom E. Bear filed the complaint after finding the culprit in her home. The incident involved destruction of property.
The protective order demands that Ms. Locks not wander into the Bear’s neck of the woods at any time. The cause stated on the order was – Breaking and Entering, Private Property Destruction, Smoking in Bed, Lounging in the Bear’s Bedroom, Porridge Confiscation and Stalking.
Deputy Jack B. Nimble prepared the order after interviewing the Bear family at police headquarters. According to Mom E. Bear the family was at Ted E. Bear’s picnic when Ms. Gold invaded their modest split-level home in Hundred Acre Wood.
Official record transcribed by Miss Tuffet – stenographer for the Chief of Police.
Mom E. Bear – “We were returning from an afternoon picnic when we noticed our front door ajar. I always lock the door and place the key around my nec…

TATTLE TALES: Passage from the Prince's Diary

Dear Royal Diary:

I feel I’m at the end of my journey. There are only several fair damsels left to grace with my presence. It’s been the most arduous task I’ve ever performed. I’ve never really been into feet, and dear Lord Bunion, have I seen way too many. It astounds me a face can be an image of rare beauty graced by god, but the feet can be cloven hoofs cursed by Satan himself.
This trip of many feet and even more miles began when my parents decided I should find a maiden and make her my princess. My royal mommy said she was tired of seeing me stare at myself in the mirror for hours. I agreed, she’s very astute. I did need a princess to stare at me in the mirror too. Perfection should never be wasted on one pair of mesmerizing blue eyes.

Daddy and Mommy, King and Queen of the Kingdom, planned a historic ball and invited all the fairest maidens in the land. They advised me to find a suitable bride with fair skin and no recognizable ethnicity. She must be polished and not related to any…

Terror Takes Over DC in 3D!!

Moviegoers who’ve rushed to see this summer’s box office hit, Wonder Woman, prepare yourself for a more compelling action, mystery, horror, political, bone-chilling blockbuster to watch as the next several months unfold.
Coming straight from Washington, DC and the Kremlin is the frightening tale of Trump. He’s an incompetent Reality TV Real Estate Tycoon who unbelievably becomes the worst U.S. President ever. Appearing on a TV channel, an internet news site, a newspaper, a magazine, or a Twitter feed is “Attack of the Orange Blob.”
Watch as this bloated, sociopath in adult diapers, tries to blindly maneuver his way through the halls of Capitol Hill. Never before has there been such a performance since the Madness of King George. As our summer of global warming (a plot from the “Ghinese”) heats up so does the action.
The Colluder-In-Chief with his cabinet of monstrosities gather in the war room to conceive a diabolical plan to destroy healthcare, promote tax cuts for the wealthy, bl…