Oh! Another birthday has come and gone. An annual rite of passage. A remembrance of the day when I made my arduous passage through the birth canal, kicking and screaming. For nine months I was doing fine, floating in my isolation womb. Suddenly, BAM!!!, somebody pulls the plug, the water drains, and I’m out of there. My first experience with the world was a forced eviction from my private abode. Hey, it was rent-free, comfortable, quiet and I could suck on my thumb all day. My Mom was my disgruntled landlord who didn’t even have the courtesy to issue an eviction notice. When I started to speak, she got some harsh syllables from me. There was no “Mama or Dada” as my first words. It was more along the line of, “What the hell were you thinking?” Until I could form words, I screamed a lot and peed in everyone’s face. People wonder why I have anxiety issues? I was yanked head-first into the cold, noisy world and some stranger in scrubs flung me around the room. No wonder I still get
Ladies and Gentlemen: Are you feeling lazy, listless, cabin feverish? Are you unable to party like it’s 1999 days of quarantine? Do you want to ignore social distancing, throw caution to a sneeze and get a tattoo? If your roots are as gray as your mood and you’re just sick of it all, head down to Dr. Trumpenstein’s Viral Spa. Lay back in the most beautiful facility ever, and receive a cutting-edge treatment formulated by Trumpenstein himself. He’s not a licensed doctor, but he’s a stable genius, has the best brain and knows more than all the medical professionals. After consulting with our lead technician, Pam Demic, you’ll be disrobed and placed on one of our warming trays. Experience the hot, cleansing rays of UV and infrared light. You’ll feel like an extra-large order of McDonald’s fries. The treatment is weight based so if you tend to be on the big-boned spectrum, we’ll shoot the light where the sun doesn’t shine. Our individualized care allows you to decide