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SPARKS BRIEF: DeSanitizing Education in the Sunshine State

With the new school year starting, Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis wants to bring back 18 th century education to universities and colleges. In a speech delivered a few months ago, from atop his personal boot hill, the governor stated he wanted to see “ a classical education similar to what our Founding Fathers had when they went to universities. ” “Course curriculum and student life is changing drastically for the 2024-25 academic years. Thanks to DeSantis’s look backward thinking,” said Heidi Haverford, spokesperson for the University of South Beach. “We’re going to see students in powdered hair extensions and fraternities holding wooden keg parties.” The universities turning back the clock to Thomas Jefferson’s freshman year will offer courses applicable to the time of smallpox and wooden teeth. “Freshman students will be able to study: The Art of Dentistry (using farm tools for extractions), Livestock Veterinarian (how to shoe a horse or choke a chicken), Village Doctoring (how t

SPARKS BRIEF: Color Me Conservative

Washington, D.C. – It’s reported that Republican vice-presidential candidate, J.D. Vance, is wearing eye liner at all his campaign appearances. MAGA rally attendees are swooning over how his eyes pop at the podium. “He’s a right good-looking fella,” said Polly Carbon, a staunch MAGA supporter. “His eyes are blue pools I could belly flop into.” A Trump campaign insider told sources, “Vance might be coughing up a hairball in his stump speeches but those hillbilly eyes don’t lie.” “Political theater has been taken to a whole new level in Trump‘s Republican party. The smoke and mirrors of 2020 have been replaced by mascara and blush,” said democratic strategist, Apostrophela Harrison. A new cosmetic company, MAGA-MAC, is manufacturing makeup and skin care for conservatives who care about the look but not the substance. “I’ve learned that Elon Musk has privately funded the face paint for phonies. He’s gone from Tesla to T-Zone,” said Harrison. MAGA-MAC spokesperson, Kaylay M

SPARKS BRIEF: Trump Creates a Movement Wearing Depends

Palm Beach, FL – After receiving pressure from donors for using campaign money to fund his legal bills, TRUMP told affiliated PACs he’s saving dollars by using his stock of Depends® to protect his ear. “My Depends® are the best Depends®. They’re specially manufactured in the same location where my beautiful Trump Bibles are printed. They’re the highest quality adult diapers — all made from hand-picked cotton at my plantation – Trump Tara. No one has ever seen anything like them,” Trump said. He went on to report, “Every pair has the eleventh commandment embossed on the back. Most people don’t know there is an eleventh commandment. But there is and it's’ beautiful. God spoke to me during my witch hunt trial and said ‘Donald, Thou Shall Not Soil Thy Clothes.’ Isn’t that so fantastic. It was like Moses and the burning bush except mine was a spicy burrito in the men’s room.” VP candidate, J.D. Vance, was given his first official task during the campaign. He’s in charge of cutting

Big Holiday Blowout!

I experienced a holiday first this year. I spent the night in lockup at the county jail. It wasn’t so traumatic. It only added extra octane to my celebrations. I got to drink eggnog from a tin cup and harmonize “Jingle Bells” with a pickpocket Santa The jolly criminal was incarcerated because he Fleeced Navidad’ed shoppers in the mall and pulled cash from Victoria’s Secret drawers. Cellblock Santa was a merry old soul who smelled like peppermint with a base note of Hickory Farms Summer Sausage. I guess you’re wondering what happened. It’s a festive story filled with holiday splendor and action-film stunts. It happened because I’m a Christmas connoisseur– a purist when it comes to outdoor decorations. I grew up when the lights du jour were C9 bulbs. The big type that screwed into heavy cords. They got scorching hot when lit. So, you hung them on your house and shrubbery and then flipped on the power to see what you’d created. You waited for the smell of ozone to waft in the air and yo

Christmas Mania - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Six weeks ago, I awoke to find myself stuck to my living room floor covered in pine sap and tinsel. Two squirrels were giving me the stink eye and clutching their nuts. I felt shock and awe when I realized I’d ripped my neighbors pine tree out of their yard and brought it home to decorate. I’d never sleep walked before, so a major concern was my neighbors would follow the trail of dirt from the hole in their garden to the front door of my house. Several nights later, I was startled awake by the smoke alarm blaring. My head was stuck in a mixing bowl of cookie dough and there was an oven mitt on my foot. Evidently, I was baking cookies in my sleep and a timer was not part of my stupor. With singed eyebrows, I doused the fire and threw out the charcoal briquettes I’d lovingly baked. Over a mug of hot chocolate and sixteen sugar cookies, I put on my Nancy Drew thinking cap and tried to figure out what was happening. My Christmas mojo was in extreme overdrive. “I’m holiday unhinged,” I

Celebrity Skin is In

In Hollywood, beauty is not skin deep. It’s lays on the surface where it’s been pulled, tucked, plucked, plumped and botoxed. Adoring fans don’t look at a star and say she has a kind personality. It’s more of, “look at those cheekbones and perky nipples.” Her face is a relief map of silicone and her nipples designer branded. With so many bits of epidermis nipped away each year, celebrity skin has accumulated to the point that a Frankenstein-style entertainer could be pieced together. Celebrities are a commodity so everything about them has value–– from public appearances, autographs, clothes that have touched their bodies to the extra skin they’ve discarded. Instead of disposing the by-product of a new imagined beauty, a corporation, Dermatron, has been born. This company sells the excess skin of the stars to patients in need. “There’s suddenly a huge demand for well-known flesh. We’re going to change the complexion of reconstructive surgery techniques,” advised Aretha Alopecia, CEO