SPARKS BRIEFS: The Real Dolls of D.C.

Washington, D.C. – The tariffs might put a damper on American holiday consumption this Christmas; don’t worry about the thirty dolls you won’t be able to buy. Your little darlings won’t even need two or three.

This December 25^th there is only one doll every child will want to see under the tree, and that’s—Be Best Barbie. A 12-inch plastic version of the Slovenian ex-model and reluctant First Lady, Melania. This special edition will hit the toy shelves on Black Friday. And a Black Friday it will be when the PVC poser invades the pink plastic dreamhouse.

With chiseled cheeks and a lip pout of disdain, the doll is an exact replica of the former immigrant. Owning a Be Best Barbie is just like having the real First Lady visit your home. She’s all looks and not much else. Melania, the doll, is vapid vinyl and fully articulated. Put her in a designer outfit and have her strike a pose, but keep her away from your rose garden, or she’ll plow it under.

The usually quiet FLOTUS speaks several phrases when you twist her arm. Hear her say, “I’m First Lady of U.S. for now,” “I think about many important national issue like what perfume to wear to state dinner,” “Don’t cry for me, Slovenia,” and “Please, hide me from Donald.” The doll comes with two additional outfits, a fifty-page prenup, a DNR for Donald, and a bottle of Ativan.

Girls will enter a new world of play with the NYC Dreamhouse Penthouse. This full-size dollhouse is guarded by Secret Service agents. Make them go into full lockdown mode when you whisper into the door intercom that POTUS is in town. Announce the secret password, ‘Stormy Weather,’ and watch Melania’s bedroom close up like Fort Knox.

Hours of mindless play are available for the little girl who dreams of growing up to be arm candy. The doll will retail for $99.99 or a $200 investment in Melania bitcoin. The dreamhouse will be available through a home mortgage application.

Also available on December 15th, you can celebrate with the Holiday Melania doll specially packaged in a replica of the crate she arrived in from her country of origin. She’s dressed in a black gown designed by Hervé Pierre and comes with a blood red Christmas tree.

Push a stake of holly into her plastic heart and hear Melania’s message of holiday cheer. “Who gives a f**k about Christmas stuff and decorations?” There’s nothing like the special, heartwarming sentiment for the season of giving printed on the back of her gown, “I Don’t Really Care. Do U Ebenezer?

These dolls won’t last long once they hit toy store shelves in November. Order yours now at www.MelaniaDivorceFund2028.gov. Special shipments will arrive from Indonesia’s MAGAttel sweatshops via the new jet from Qatar.

Also look for additional dolls arriving in stores in January 2026:

Bondi Barbie—This doll has subpoenas, and she’s coming after Ken and G.I. Joe. Accessories include an obligatory red cap and a briefcase full of classified documents.

Education Barbie—This doll has an empty head but full pockets of donor cash. Accessories include a copy of Simple Math for Dummies and a bottle of A1 Sauce.

Homeland Barbie— This gun-toting ICE princess has arrest warrants for all American Girl Dolls that are made in China. Accessories include a restraining order from the SPCA and a syringe of Botox.

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