Sparks Ignites

  Washington, D.C. – On April 13, Trump posted an AI-generated image of himself as Jesus, immediately sparking outrage and controversy. He quickly deleted it from  Truth Social,  but later acknowledged the photo, telling reporters he thought the outfit made him look like a doctor.  The image shows Trump in flowing white robes, with an orb of light in one hand while the other rests on the forehead of a man resembling an ailing Jeffrey Epstein. Critics questioned the theological implications and his ongoing feud with the pope, while supporters wondered whether the robe came in red, white, and blue.  Hours later, Trump posted a statement on  Truth Social : “People are saying, 'Jesus.' Wrong! Total fake news. I’m a doctor. A great doctor. Possibly the greatest doctor the world has seen. I’m hearing Dr. Christ. I don’t know, but they’re saying it.”  Several hours later, television producer Mark Burnett, creator of  The Apprentice— Trump’s first sitcom ...

  My Dearest Buds and Blossoms:   Spring has sprung, and buds are blooming. The cherry blossoms are coloring the landscape with pink, and the forsythia with yellow. Foliage is beginning to sprout from winter’s bare trees like hair on a pubescent twelve-year-old. Our world is renewed. The miracle of seasonal rebirth. Sounds wonderful, right? Umm, NO! As someone who has survived 35 consecutive springs (give or take a few years—I don’t recognize the leap years as a concept), you know a boy has to keep a few secrets hidden under sunscreen and some carefully applied concealer. I, Gaylord Goforth, offer you this essential guide for navigating nature’s most confusing quarter.  1.       Respect the Pollen : As the flowers and foliage come, so comes the pollen, with blankets of “yellow dust” covering everything in sight like nature’s glitter bomb. It dusts your car, your lungs, and your will to live. Resist the urge to write messages in it like “WHY” or “S...

  Washington, D.C. -  The White House announced over the weekend that it would defuse the harsh rhetoric of recent press briefings by replacing them with high-stakes escape room challenges, where journalists must solve puzzles, decode riddles, and locate hidden objects to obtain basic information about Trump’s Iranian conflict and administration policies. Several reporters noted that nearly every clue appears to connect, somehow, to a laminated photo of a Big Mac labeled “Classified.”  “We’re cautiously optimistic that what the White House has promised won’t immediately burst into flames,” said Darwin Deadline, a correspondent for the National Poughkeepsie Times. “At this point, I’d settle for a briefing that doesn’t require me to interrogate two all-beef patties.”  “Trump treats every question like it’s a dodgeball, and he’s been waiting his whole life for gym class revenge. Yesterday I asked him about a peace agreement with Iran, and he wound up talking about ...

Washington, DC – After the Artemis II liftoff, the first crewed lunar mission in over 50 years attracted a huge audience both in person and online around the world. President Trump announced he’ll triple viewership when he becomes the first president to travel to the moon. According to White House sources, the president had a disappointing day. After visiting the Supreme Court and not seeing Diana Ross, followed by criticism of his primetime speech about Iran, Trump has turned to space to boost his all-time low approval rating. “Everyone loves a space launch. Just ask the millions of people who attend my rallies. MAGA wants to see Trump boldly go where no president has gone before. Quite frankly, many don’t know that I gave Bill Shatner that opening line for Star Wars. It made the show very, very successful,” the president told the White House press corps. “Other presidents were very weak. Sleepy Joe and Barack Hussein Obama wouldn’t get into, what do we call them, rockets? But I’m goi...

  Washington, D.C. – Families attending this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll expected candy, plastic eggs, and an orange man with a red clown tie smelling like a McDonald's Big Mac. Instead, they were greeted by former Attorney General Pam Bondi, dressed as a six-foot Easter Bunny, crying pastel tears. Witnesses said Bondi emerged from the back of a U-Haul truck, carrying a basket filled with office supplies and shouting, “The Dow is under 50,000, and do your parents have any leads for a job in the private sector?” Children quickly noticed something unusual about the eggs around the White House construction site. Rather than containing jelly beans, chocolate, or small toys, every egg contained a flash drive loaded with  Melania: My Journey: Slovenian Super Model to First Arm Candy.  The unsuccessful documentary project was rated a whopping ten percent on Rotten Tomatoes. This nearly four-hour version features Melania eating a saltine, wandering empty halls carrying a G...