Sparks Ignites

  Washington, D.C.  – When D.C. police investigators, the National Park Service, Kash Patel’s FBI, and Ratcliffe’s CIA failed to uncover the vandals who Trump claims created a 350-foot “gash” in the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, Democratic Senator Dick Durbin hired super-sleuth Nancy Drew to solve the mystery. Durbin said he remembers Drew being a first-rate detective when he was a young boy “My sister often read Drew’s case files and would talk about her skills,” Durbin told our reporter. “I’ve also contacted Frank and Joe Hardy in case Drew needs backup.”  Nancy has years of experience. She solved her first case in 1930 and made national headlines, which named her a teenage James Bond, minus the British accent and a vodka martini “shaken, not stirred.” Ms. Drew is now 112 years old but doesn’t look a day over eighteen. The biggest mystery surrounding Nancy is who’s doing the nipping and tucking.  When a source reached out to her associates, Bess M...

      (Special Note:   Yes, I know it’s already the end of June, and I’m just publishing my guide for Pride. But, I’ve been beyond overbooked, honey. With all the parades, parties, booze cruises, picnics, brunches, and “T-Dances,” little ole Gaylord is exhausticated. I needed time to collect my thoughts and my personal belongings from the tri-state area . So before the claws come out and someone snatches Miss Drag Queen 2026’s wig, let me set you straight, “only in a manner of speaking,” on how to really reign on your parade. Now and forever. )   My dearest Rainbow Brites and Brites-Adjacent: It’s June, and that means heat, humidity, and lots of rainbow glitter. It’s an enchanted month when every corporation suddenly remembers the existence of gay people long enough to redesign their logos and try to sell you rainbow-colored merchandise. Get in on the discounts for items like a rainbow limited-edition leaf blower, a rainbow toaster, and a rainbow toilet plunger ...

  My Dear Spring Flingers and Flunkers: Just when you feel you’ve made it through winter’s gray, emotionally underlit Motel 6 room with faulty plumbing and no WiFi, along comes spring, kicking down the door with blooming blossoms and the overconfidence that you’ll feel better immediately. The sun creeps its way through your windows like a cheery guest who doesn’t know when to leave. Birds twitter at your window, daring you to come outside. Don’t tempt me, blue jay, unless you’re willing to part with some feathers. I hear avian chic will be big this fall.  The world rebrands itself in pastels as if sponsored by a macaron. Everywhere you go, people are smiling, jogging, and planting flowers like they have something to prove to Saint Martha Stewart of Bedford Farm.  What about you? You’re tired. You’re puffy. You’re pissed off. You’ve sneezed twenty times in a row and blown your nose so much you briefly saw God, who looked a lot like Ryan Gosling. You are experiencing what I...

Washington, D.C. – After the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Trump immediately called for the construction of his “militarily top secret ballroom.” Which, don’t tell the president, hasn’t been top secret since the White House East Wing was demolished in October 2025.  In response to Trump’s concern for heightened security in public venues and protection from active shooters, a wave of demands for specially equipped ballrooms is sweeping the country. Schools, malls, churches, and synagogues have issued statements declaring, "We, too, require ballrooms." They want them immediately and preferably with marble floors and at least one dramatic staircase for fleeing elegantly.  The White House has been flooded with requests for a copy of the ballroom blueprints. The principal of Time Out Elementary School, Polly Ticks, said she wanted immediate approval for a bulletproof ballroom to replace the gymnasium and the cafeteria. The school board president, Ella Mentary...

  Washington, D.C. – On April 13, Trump posted an AI-generated image of himself as Jesus, immediately sparking outrage and controversy. He quickly deleted it from  Truth Social,  but later acknowledged the photo, telling reporters he thought the outfit made him look like a doctor.  The image shows Trump in flowing white robes, with an orb of light in one hand while the other rests on the forehead of a man resembling an ailing Jeffrey Epstein. Critics questioned the theological implications and his ongoing feud with the pope, while supporters wondered whether the robe came in red, white, and blue.  Hours later, Trump posted a statement on  Truth Social : “People are saying, 'Jesus.' Wrong! Total fake news. I’m a doctor. A great doctor. Possibly the greatest doctor the world has seen. I’m hearing Dr. Christ. I don’t know, but they’re saying it.”  Several hours later, television producer Mark Burnett, creator of  The Apprentice— Trump’s first sitcom ...

  My Dearest Buds and Blossoms:   Spring has sprung, and buds are blooming. The cherry blossoms are coloring the landscape with pink, and the forsythia with yellow. Foliage is beginning to sprout from winter’s bare trees like hair on a pubescent twelve-year-old. Our world is renewed. The miracle of seasonal rebirth. Sounds wonderful, right? Umm, NO! As someone who has survived 35 consecutive springs (give or take a few years—I don’t recognize the leap years as a concept), you know a boy has to keep a few secrets hidden under sunscreen and some carefully applied concealer. I, Gaylord Goforth, offer you this essential guide for navigating nature’s most confusing quarter.  1.       Respect the Pollen : As the flowers and foliage come, so comes the pollen, with blankets of “yellow dust” covering everything in sight like nature’s glitter bomb. It dusts your car, your lungs, and your will to live. Resist the urge to write messages in it like “WHY” or “S...

  Washington, D.C. -  The White House announced over the weekend that it would defuse the harsh rhetoric of recent press briefings by replacing them with high-stakes escape room challenges, where journalists must solve puzzles, decode riddles, and locate hidden objects to obtain basic information about Trump’s Iranian conflict and administration policies. Several reporters noted that nearly every clue appears to connect, somehow, to a laminated photo of a Big Mac labeled “Classified.”  “We’re cautiously optimistic that what the White House has promised won’t immediately burst into flames,” said Darwin Deadline, a correspondent for the National Poughkeepsie Times. “At this point, I’d settle for a briefing that doesn’t require me to interrogate two all-beef patties.”  “Trump treats every question like it’s a dodgeball, and he’s been waiting his whole life for gym class revenge. Yesterday I asked him about a peace agreement with Iran, and he wound up talking about ...