Sparks Ignites

  My Dear Spring Flingers and Flunkers: Just when you feel you’ve made it through winter’s gray, emotionally underlit Motel 6 room with faulty plumbing and no WiFi, along comes spring, kicking down the door with blooming blossoms and the overconfidence that you’ll feel better immediately. The sun creeps its way through your windows like a cheery guest who doesn’t know when to leave. Birds twitter at your window, daring you to come outside. Don’t tempt me, blue jay, unless you’re willing to part with some feathers. I hear avian chic will be big this fall.  The world rebrands itself in pastels as if sponsored by a macaron. Everywhere you go, people are smiling, jogging, and planting flowers like they have something to prove to Saint Martha Stewart of Bedford Farm.  What about you? You’re tired. You’re puffy. You’re pissed off. You’ve sneezed twenty times in a row and blown your nose so much you briefly saw God, who looked a lot like Ryan Gosling. You are experiencing what I...

Washington, D.C. – After the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Trump immediately called for the construction of his “militarily top secret ballroom.” Which, don’t tell the president, hasn’t been top secret since the White House East Wing was demolished in October 2025.  In response to Trump’s concern for heightened security in public venues and protection from active shooters, a wave of demands for specially equipped ballrooms is sweeping the country. Schools, malls, churches, and synagogues have issued statements declaring, "We, too, require ballrooms." They want them immediately and preferably with marble floors and at least one dramatic staircase for fleeing elegantly.  The White House has been flooded with requests for a copy of the ballroom blueprints. The principal of Time Out Elementary School, Polly Ticks, said she wanted immediate approval for a bulletproof ballroom to replace the gymnasium and the cafeteria. The school board president, Ella Mentary...

  Washington, D.C. – On April 13, Trump posted an AI-generated image of himself as Jesus, immediately sparking outrage and controversy. He quickly deleted it from  Truth Social,  but later acknowledged the photo, telling reporters he thought the outfit made him look like a doctor.  The image shows Trump in flowing white robes, with an orb of light in one hand while the other rests on the forehead of a man resembling an ailing Jeffrey Epstein. Critics questioned the theological implications and his ongoing feud with the pope, while supporters wondered whether the robe came in red, white, and blue.  Hours later, Trump posted a statement on  Truth Social : “People are saying, 'Jesus.' Wrong! Total fake news. I’m a doctor. A great doctor. Possibly the greatest doctor the world has seen. I’m hearing Dr. Christ. I don’t know, but they’re saying it.”  Several hours later, television producer Mark Burnett, creator of  The Apprentice— Trump’s first sitcom ...

  My Dearest Buds and Blossoms:   Spring has sprung, and buds are blooming. The cherry blossoms are coloring the landscape with pink, and the forsythia with yellow. Foliage is beginning to sprout from winter’s bare trees like hair on a pubescent twelve-year-old. Our world is renewed. The miracle of seasonal rebirth. Sounds wonderful, right? Umm, NO! As someone who has survived 35 consecutive springs (give or take a few years—I don’t recognize the leap years as a concept), you know a boy has to keep a few secrets hidden under sunscreen and some carefully applied concealer. I, Gaylord Goforth, offer you this essential guide for navigating nature’s most confusing quarter.  1.       Respect the Pollen : As the flowers and foliage come, so comes the pollen, with blankets of “yellow dust” covering everything in sight like nature’s glitter bomb. It dusts your car, your lungs, and your will to live. Resist the urge to write messages in it like “WHY” or “S...

  Washington, D.C. -  The White House announced over the weekend that it would defuse the harsh rhetoric of recent press briefings by replacing them with high-stakes escape room challenges, where journalists must solve puzzles, decode riddles, and locate hidden objects to obtain basic information about Trump’s Iranian conflict and administration policies. Several reporters noted that nearly every clue appears to connect, somehow, to a laminated photo of a Big Mac labeled “Classified.”  “We’re cautiously optimistic that what the White House has promised won’t immediately burst into flames,” said Darwin Deadline, a correspondent for the National Poughkeepsie Times. “At this point, I’d settle for a briefing that doesn’t require me to interrogate two all-beef patties.”  “Trump treats every question like it’s a dodgeball, and he’s been waiting his whole life for gym class revenge. Yesterday I asked him about a peace agreement with Iran, and he wound up talking about ...

Washington, DC – After the Artemis II liftoff, the first crewed lunar mission in over 50 years attracted a huge audience both in person and online around the world. President Trump announced he’ll triple viewership when he becomes the first president to travel to the moon. According to White House sources, the president had a disappointing day. After visiting the Supreme Court and not seeing Diana Ross, followed by criticism of his primetime speech about Iran, Trump has turned to space to boost his all-time low approval rating. “Everyone loves a space launch. Just ask the millions of people who attend my rallies. MAGA wants to see Trump boldly go where no president has gone before. Quite frankly, many don’t know that I gave Bill Shatner that opening line for Star Wars. It made the show very, very successful,” the president told the White House press corps. “Other presidents were very weak. Sleepy Joe and Barack Hussein Obama wouldn’t get into, what do we call them, rockets? But I’m goi...

  Washington, D.C. – Families attending this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll expected candy, plastic eggs, and an orange man with a red clown tie smelling like a McDonald's Big Mac. Instead, they were greeted by former Attorney General Pam Bondi, dressed as a six-foot Easter Bunny, crying pastel tears. Witnesses said Bondi emerged from the back of a U-Haul truck, carrying a basket filled with office supplies and shouting, “The Dow is under 50,000, and do your parents have any leads for a job in the private sector?” Children quickly noticed something unusual about the eggs around the White House construction site. Rather than containing jelly beans, chocolate, or small toys, every egg contained a flash drive loaded with  Melania: My Journey: Slovenian Super Model to First Arm Candy.  The unsuccessful documentary project was rated a whopping ten percent on Rotten Tomatoes. This nearly four-hour version features Melania eating a saltine, wandering empty halls carrying a G...

  Washington, D.C. – After visiting Graceland on Monday, March 23, Trump announced new plans to recreate Elvis Presley’s home as the new White House East Wing. "The King of Rock and Roll might have had great success with his music career, but nobody ever talks about his interiors,” Trump said, now apparently America’s leading Elvis design historian. “Elvis, The King, or as I call him, King, was way beyond his time regarding interior design. His den, or as   I call it, ‘The Jungle Room,’ has shag carpeting on the floor and the ceiling. Quite frankly, it’s beautiful. I’ve done gold ceilings, never carpet. That changes now. My carpet will be more presidential—gold leaf, and maybe chandeliers in the shag. Very classy. Tremendous acoustics, and I know acoustics." “Soon, construction will begin on the Trump White House Graceland Jungle Room Ballroom. I’ve reviewed costs. Approved. Very quickly approved.” Trump told the press during a cabinet meeting.  Paige Turner, a reporter w...