Washington, D.C. – After the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Trump immediately called for the construction of his “militarily top secret ballroom.” Which, don’t tell the president, hasn’t been top secret since the White House East Wing was demolished in October 2025.
In response to Trump’s concern for heightened security in public venues and protection from active shooters, a wave of demands for specially equipped ballrooms is sweeping the country. Schools, malls, churches, and synagogues have issued statements declaring, "We, too, require ballrooms." They want them immediately and preferably with marble floors and at least one dramatic staircase for fleeing elegantly.
The White House has been flooded with requests for a copy of the ballroom blueprints. The principal of Time Out Elementary School, Polly Ticks, said she wanted immediate approval for a bulletproof ballroom to replace the gymnasium and the cafeteria. The school board president, Ella Mentary, has requested a list of Trump’s “so-called” donors.
“We don’t need their thoughts and prayers. We need Congress to allocate funds to protect our children from the horrific gun violence in this country. The president has the Secret Service; we have turtles and hamsters,” said Mentary.
“Lockdown drills have been sufficient, but consider the deterrent power of a 40-foot crystal chandelier. Poorly dressed shooters won’t risk it. Our students will feel secure and have a stunning background for school photos,” said Ticks.
Sara Lee, the mother of a fourth-grade student at Time Out, said that while bulletproof glass and steel doors will certainly provide greater peace of mind for her son, she’s concerned about potential rising costs for parents.
“There’s already the expense of lunch money, gym clothes, and Nike Air sneakers. Now, we’ll be buying tuxedos, cummerbunds, and dance lessons,” said Lee.
Principal Ticks confirmed the changes coming to the school when the ballroom is completed. “The cafeteria will require tuxedos and gowns after 11 a.m., and gym class will be replaced by ‘defensive foxtrot,' ‘rumble rumba,' and the ‘tactical tango.’”
An eighth-grader at Saint Perpetual Misery Middle School summed up the national mood while trying on his clip-on bow tie. “I don’t really understand why the president has human shields, and we… whatever’s in our desks.” But if this is what it takes to stay safe, I guess I’ll learn to cha-cha.”
Across the country, shopping malls, already mausoleums for extinct retail chains, have seized the moment. The struggling food court at the Mall of Mississippi is being converted into “The Dairy Queen Blizzard Ballroom,” complete with velvet ropes and a soft-serve fountain.
Mall Director Patty Profit said, "We've tried arcades, escape rooms, and artisanal pretzel kiosks, but shoppers really want to feel safe from an active shooter while they waltz in Macy’s clearance clothing. There will be a dress code—jackets required. No pajama pants, fuzzy slippers, Lululemon yoga pants, or visible plumber’s crack.”
Religious institutions will not be left behind. Churches and synagogues, long accustomed to fellowship halls and multipurpose basements, are embracing what one rabbi described as “marble, crystal, and gold with a higher power.”
“We are used to gathering in “fakakta” rooms with “kaput” folding chairs,” said Rabbi Shlomo Putz. “In these violent times, only a ballroom can truly bring our congregation together. We’re planning on a live band, a pickle bar, lean corned beef on marble rye, and a coat check that doubles as a panic room.”
“As Moses said, loosely, ‘Let my people quickstep,’” added Putz.
Reverend Evan Jellice, from the Church of Saint Evie Marie, said, "Scripture speaks often of divine preparation. I hear God is expecting Limoges dinnerware and parquet floors."
Many Republican members of Congress who kneel at the altar of Trump are critical of this sudden ballroom blitz. They are speaking out against taxpayers' funding ornamental balconies and bulletproof silk draperies.
“A ballroom with state-of-the-art security is only needed in Washington to protect the president,” said Congressman Sidney Sycophant of Florida. “Children are agile. They can easily hide. Donald Trump, with his swollen ankles and shoe lifts, cannot. He wouldn’t fit under the Resolute Desk unless he was buttered like a KFC biscuit."
Construction firms are sounding the alarm about nationwide shortages of chandeliers as these ballroom projects begin. One anonymous contractor admitted they are considering repurposing cruise ship fixtures and “whatever we can salvage from a defunct Cheesecake Factory.”
Experts warn there are no signs of this trend slowing. Early reports indicate that DMV offices are considering “express passport ballrooms,” and several airports are exploring “runway-adjacent gala zones” for enhanced passenger security. Travelers are advised to pack a tuxedo or a floor-length gown in their carry-on.
In America, when faced with uncertainty, there’s only one rational response: MORE! More square footage, more gold wall sconces, more patent-leather shoes, more string quartets, and more places to dramatically exit stage left—because nothing says safety like a grand finale.
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