SPARKS BRIEFS: Trump Says Nope to the Pope

Washington, D.C. – Minutes after the papal conclave elected Robert Francis Prevost, the first American pope, Trump is seeking a recall to what he terms “a rigged conclave.”

A special team of papal lawyers will head to the Vatican to challenge the election results. The team of Agnosticgold, Atheistein, and Evangelicalberg, LLP, will file a protest on behalf of the president.

Cardinal Kevin Joseph Farrell, acting head of the Catholic Church, issued a statement saying there is a new pope, Leo XIV, and the choice is final.

“Trump can never be the pope unless Jesus is resurrected and names him the pontiff, which would supersede 135 cardinals of the conclave. He’s an impure married man, a sociopath, and not even a member of the Catholic Church. The closest he’ll ever be is the “Pope’s Nose,” said Cardinal Farrell.

Trump immediately issued an executive order, calling for the savior’s resurrection. “I’ll wait for him in the Lincoln Bedroom. Jesus and I have a personal relationship; I talk to him every Sunday on the golf course,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office.

Karoline Leavitt, White House press secretary, told reporters from Newsmax, Truth Social, Fox News, and My Pillow Digest that Trump will have Jesus assemble a new cabinet.

Trump said, “I’m hearing that Jesus was a tremendous carpenter, better than all carpenters ever. I’d like to have him get out his holy nails and build me some furniture for Mar-A-Lago.” He’s got to be better than that second-rate Ethan Allen.”

“Trump was anointed with a political and religious acumen in his golden bassinet. He will fulfill both roles with his extraordinarily enlarged heart and brain. He’s filled with the spirit of Christ and cholesterol,” Leavitt said.

Trump told his cabinet members that “the power of Christ compelled him,” like in The Exorcist. All fifteen will have to wear red cardinal vestments with MAGA embroidered on the back, which now means Make America Genuflect Again.

Pete Hegseth will keep the communion wine in a secure location at the Pentagon, which he’s revealed in a Signal chat. Kristi Noem will carry a rifle to shoot the “left-wing hellhounds.”

Susie Wiles, White House Chief of Staff, told Elmer Fudrucker from Newsmax that Trump will now be referred to as His Excellency President & Pope or His Holiness P.P.

As is customary, most popes choose the name of a predecessor or a saint. The president said, “I will be Pope Don, and the First Lady will be Melania Magdalene.”

A White House source said Trump has already purchased his own pope outfit, a pastoral staff shaped like a mushroom, and a Cyber Popemobile.

Cardinal Farrell told the reporters from the Vatican News that this is a travesty. “The first American pope has been chosen. The president should welcome him with open arms.”

Trump has questioned the validity of the new pope. “He speaks Italian and Spanish, plus I’m hearing he lived in Peru. I’m not sure he’s really an American. There’s a lot of blowing smoke at the Vatican. This guy doesn’t even have his own Bible. I have cases of mine stored at Mar-a-Lago.” My highly skilled lawyers, and they are the best, will get to the bottom of this. I can’t ask Rudy to help me out this time. He doesn’t have WiFi or cell service at the trailer park.”

Sparks Briefs asked for a comment from Pope Leo, but he’s busy trying on his new hats.

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