Have you ever dreamt of a tomb with a view? If you’ve longed to live abroad, but weren’t able to escape your nine-to-five commitments at home, planning a trip at the end of a lifetime can be right at your cold, dead fingertips.
Paul Bearer, LLC. International will plan your exclusive Destination Funeral. No need to pack bags for the last, endless vacation. Spend eternity surrounded by spectacular vistas and ages of history in the country of your choice. Don’t settle for a cemetery off Route 130 by the Super Walmart. Make your final journey the envy of your loved ones.
Imagine your resting place situated on a cliff overlooking the blue Mediterranean Sea, a Parisian landmark where you can rub boney elbows with Oscar Wilde, Edith Piaf and rock star Jim Morrison, or be sprinkled discreetly in the Trevi Fountain where your final wishes come true.
Why leave your assets to ungrateful family members? Spend them on a trip they’ll never forget. Your, embalmed or cremated remains, will be whisked off to a world-class destination with an entourage of selected mourners.
We strongly recommend cremation for all our dead clients, as stringent regulations prohibit where corpses can be buried on foreign soil. Plus, travel in style on this final flight. You’ll be carefully hidden in a monogrammed Hermes carry-on bag instead of in the belly of the plane with the other luggage. (Special discounts are applied to preboarding cremation through our Burn to Earn program.)
You’ll rest comfortably in the overhead compartment while your immediate family enjoy the perks of flying first-class. They’ll be assigned a specially trained grief attendant who will provide just the right amount of sympathy as they bring you a third vodka martini.
No tears will be shed as guests enjoy accommodations in a five-star hotel. A bereavement buffet will include local delicacies, unlimited champagne and delicious liqueur-filled chocolate caskets, urns and hearses designed by renowned chocolatiers.
Your remains will be taken on a tour of your forever city. Mourners will see the wonders of the locations you fell in love with prior to you staring into a black abyss. If you choose the Weekend at Bernie’s package as an alternative to cremation, photos can be taken of you with family at favorite sites.
Select your cadaver clothes and we’ll prop you against the Colosseum, Big Ben, the Acropolis or any international landmark. (Extra fees are applied to this special package. (Disguising a corpse as a travel companion takes our expert skills and palms must be greased to avoid arrests and a potential international incident.)
On the special day of checkout, a Cemetery Concierge will shuttle the remains to your Last Resort. An optional fireworks display can be provided with accompaniment of a personal playlist. Your mourners have several choices to conclude this once-in-a-death Destination Funeral. They can be chauffeured to the airport, remain at the location for several days of touring and shopping in your memory, or they can take our River Styx cruise.
We offer Destination Funerals to meet most budgets. A list of some standard packages is provided. Also, we offer individualized experiences that will suit all your deathly needs.
· The Olympic Flame – Your final resting place will be a carefully hidden spot at the Acropolis. We will cremate your remains in a special Olympic Torch ceremony on the runway prior to your flight. (We have portable cremators to light you up at the location of your choice.)
· Stylin’ Stiff – You and three guests will be treated to an afternoon at an exclusive designer boutique. There, you’ll be fitted for a bespoke outfit that would be the envy of the red carpet if you could walk it. Choose from Versace, Louie Vuitton, Chanel, etc. You’ll be drop-dead gorgeous in a Jean Paul Gaultier corset.
· French Flambe – Add a little alcohol and you’ll be cooked to a crisp as only the French can do it. Your family will dine at The Jules Verne Restaurant located in the Eiffel Tower. You’ll accompany them in an unmarked pine box hidden in a silver chafing dish.
Receive a Michelin Star like the finest French Cuisine. Later you’ll be scattered over the rooftops of Paris when the pine box is accidently dropped from the top the legendary landmark.
· Rest in Pizza – Well done and ashy is how you’ll be after you’ve visited the Forno Italiano (Italian Pizza Oven). Your ashes will be arranged as a crust in a personalized pizza box. You choose the toppings. Do you want to sleep with the anchovies? Final accessories are up to you.
You’ll be buried in the foothills of Rome while your family dines on pizza, pasta and gelato. Don’t worry about the carbs, you won’t gain a pound.
Contact Paul Bearer, LLC International for a full listing of Destination Funeral Packages. We know you’re dying to hear more about our exclusive services. Why take a dirt nap in suburbia when you can sleep for eternity in the cradle of the Renaissance?
Call 1-800-DECEASE. Our Eternal Rest Representatives are waiting for your first call to forever.
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