Skip to main content

SPARKS BRIEF: Pumpkin Disorder Discovered!


The American Psychiatric Association announced a new seasonal disorder that is affecting millions across the country – Pumpkin Spice Traumatic Disorder (PSTD).



Sufferers of PSTD are stricken every fall when Pumpkin Spice is released across the nation. Limited editions of hundreds of products are created containing the pumpkin spice flavor and scent. This causes pumpkin enthusiasts to go out of their gourds trying to buy up all these items.




“There is a high level of anxiety exhibited in patients with PSTD,” reported Dr. Peter Peters, an expert on the disorder.



The seasonal pumpkin mania has destroyed lives. “I’ve had a patient lose her job, because she camped outside Starbucks for a month just to get a fresh Pumpkin Spice Latte every morning,” Dr. Peters said.



“I’ve participated in several interventions at Bath & Bodyworks and Yankee Candle when PSTD patients would not leave the store.”



Ann McMuffin of Tuttleville, MA went into pumpkin induced coma after eating 6 boxes of Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights, 3 boxes of Pumpkin Spice Cheerios and downed 2 gallons of Pumpkin Egg Nog. “I woke up in rehab and was forced to go “cold pumpkin” for eight weeks,” McMuffin reported.



Last October, Floyd Turffle of Greasy, OK was reported missing by his family. He was found a week later living in the stock room of Trader Joe’s. He was caught eating a box of frozen pumpkin waffles and drinking pumpkin ale.



“I couldn’t leave the store until I tried every pumpkin product. Boy, do they have a lot of stuff. I was trippin’ on the spice,” Turffle admitted. No charges were filled with the stipulation that Turffle would join a support group of pumpkin spice addicts.



 “We’ve had success battling PSTD with the Pumpkin Patch Extended Release. It’s a topically applied therapy and provides a dose of cinnamon, nutmeg, clove and allspice. It’s helped many sufferers make a successful withdrawal,” said Peters.



The disorder can become severe in late November when pumpkin spice supplies start to dwindle. “If you find a family member snorting pumpkin pie spice. Take them to a PSTD therapist immediately.”



The most serious phase of PSTD is when a patient’s skin becomes orange. “We call this the Trumpkin Pumpkin Syndrome. Without intensive treatment a patient will become irrational, unfocused, rambling, with accompanying bouts of lying, groping and whining,” Peters warned.

Comments

  1. Freaking loved this post!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amazing! Top news worthy and hysterical.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This syndrome is a rather serious disease. In my opinion, many people are at a risk during this period. It is awful to reach its final phase.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think I may have this condition myself! In withdrawal right now in April. I had a half pound bag of pumpkin spice coffee I bought in November, just used up the last of it last week :( Great post Vince!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Recent Posts

Waking Up in Vegas - Happy 2014!

Neither, Gary or I, are really gamblers, so we try to find other activities to occupy our time when visiting Vegas. We have visited Red Rock, Hoover Dam and Valley of Fire State Park on previous visits. We had even traveled as far as Zion National Park in Utah, during an earlier stay. There are definitely natural beauties to discover while in Nevada, and they have nothing to do with showgirls or stripper poles. This visit was about relaxation and ringing in the New Year, so we didn’t need to stray far from Vegas this time. We bought tickets for a concert featuring Kristin Chenoweth. She is a very talented singer and actress best known from Broadway shows, movies, and multiple guest appearances on GLEE. The concert was on New Year’s Eve at the newly built Smith Center. Although she is about three feet tall, Kristin has a powerhouse voice. She sang songs from her career and, of course, sang one of my favorites “For Good” from WICKED. It was a great way to

Mental Health - Destroy the Stigma

I believe that I am a fearless writer. I share my personal experiences, thoughts and beliefs. I’ve not been afraid to express my emotions. Self-expression is fundamental to writing. I am a man of my words Recently, I became concerned that my blogs about depression and mental health might shape my reader’s opinions of me in a negative way.   The more I thought about it, I realized that I had internalized the stigma that surrounds mental health. Stigma is defined as “a mark of disgrace or infamy.” The word bears a negative connotation and it devalues the person to whom the stigma is applied. While the conversation about mental health is receiving a larger forum, damaging misconceptions are widespread. According to surveys, there are between 42.5-46 million adults in the US that have some type of mental illness.   Statistics show that one in four adults experience mental illness in a given year. These numbers of individuals are all impacted in some manner by the sti

Summer Adventures Part 2 – The Backyard Backlot to Broadway

  My childhood summers weren’t all the glitz and glamor of vacationing with cousins, wobbly shopping carts and bloody feet. Actually, most of my summer days were spent right at home in my yard. My parents never took a vacation. Our family never packed its bags and took off for other ports of call.   I never boarded a plane, a boat, or a train for a family adventure. My adventures were self-created. They were products of an imaginative mind that could travel to the moon, ride the rapids in the Amazon Jungle and lead a battle for the Knights of the Round Table, all before a lunch of Spaghettios with a side of Hawaiian Punch . I have always loved going to the movies. This helped provide the inspiration to my over active mind. The Saturday afternoon matinee was a childhood staple for me. The smell of fresh popcorn as you entered the lobby and the crisp cold air of the air-conditioned theater helped set the atmosphere on those hot, summer afternoons. I would get lost in the dark with

Depression, Drugs & DNA

When diagnosed with Clinical Depression, my doctor recommended medication to help the illness. The art of medication management can challenge professionals who need to find the right drug and dosage that will be effective for treatment. It’s frustrating for patients combating the effects of depression when their medication doesn’t quite alleviate the symptoms. Part of this cocktail of drugs can also cause intolerable side effects ·       Sleepiness ·       Insomnia ·       Dizziness ·       Weight Gain ·       Headaches ·       Increased Anxiety ·       Sexual Problems ·       Nausea The feeling of hopelessness and frustration is just compounded when you’re waiting for relief that never really arrives. There are so many drugs available for the treatment of depression. It can be daunting to find the right one for you. I feel that I have taken the PDR of depression medications. There’s always been the chase for the one that would tu

Communication - The Art of Words

I read a posting, a few weeks ago, that the song “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode was celebrating its 25 th anniversary. The song, released in 1990, speaks of how you can be beyond words. It relays the message that there are times when words can’t describe feelings or emotions and seem inconsequential. I do understand when people say that something is “indescribable.” We all have moments when we just want silence and time to appreciate the world beyond words.   A feeling or an emotion can be hard to verbalize at times, but are we ever beyond words? We have to realize that if we want a space of non-communication we have to communicate that. We can’t “Enjoy the Silence” unless we can tell everyone we want silence.   For people to know we are at a loss for words, we have to tell them that. Everything we say and do lies in communication. We could not function as a community or a society without it. We don’t stop to contemplate that our whole world is created fro