My Dearest Witches and Warlocks:
October is creeping its way toward the second most popular holiday of the year: Halloween. What’s number one? Sweet Jesus, don’t tell me you’re clueless. Think “Away in a Manger” and an overweight guy who employs elves.
Halloween is one night sensible adults can unleash their inner freak and can dress like farm animals, serial killers, zombies, drag queens, and random food products. It’s the only time of year Mrs. Butterworth can sport tattoos and a septum piercing without raising eyebrows.
A respectable CPA can transform into a vampire, a PTA mom can become Dolly Parton, and a fifty-eight-year-old man named Ernie can squeeze into a superhero costume designed for someone whose last birthday featured pony rides and a clown.
Don’t mention the bulges. Batman has been stress-eating.
1. The Sexy Costume Epidemic:
What's with the trend in adult costumes like slutty nurse, slutty firefighter, slutty Minion, or slutty nun (Sister Mary Magdalust, anyone?)
There are enough fishnet stockings available at Halloween to snag a great white. You don’t need a bigger boat, just the slutty aisle in Spirit Halloween.
Meanwhile, men have to face their own challenges. Today’s sexy vampire has visible abs. The sexy cowboy wears Speedo-sized chaps, and his holster is holding more than his gun.
My advice? I’m not opposed to showing some skin, but if your costume requires professional-athlete measurements, a spray tan, and steroids, reconsider.
Halloween is about fun, imagination, and a seasonal cocktail, not achieving an Olympic-level body-fat percentage. Although if you manage it, call me. I have questions.
2. The Age-Appropriate Costume Controversy
Age might be nothing but a number, but gravity doesn’t care. As things shift, sag, and head south, forcing us to accept that a costume designed for a twenty-year-old might not work over fifty.
Optimism is admirable, but the tiny piece of spandex from Target won’t stretch over muscles you haven’t seen since the Clinton administration.
That old saying still applies: “If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” But if you ain’t got it, try being a peanut M&M. The candy shell hides a multitude of sins.
You may not be completely out of shape, but you're out of the running as a Marvel Avenger.
3. All Costumes are Drag
If you’re entering the drag race, totally commit! A bad wig, a sports bra, and makeup from Walmart belong in a donation bin. If you don’t want RuPaul to bitch-slap the lip gloss off you, consult with a real drag queen.
Don’t know one? Ask a friend. A friend of a friend will do. In the drag community, six degrees of separation can get you a wig, a makeup artist, and a loan for rhinestones.
Prepare to enter the land of glam. Sequins, glitter, and rhinestones are mandatory. You want to dazzle, darling. If you’re unwilling to shave anything in the name of beauty, don’t waste your money on MAC lipstick.
Drag is about creating a new runway persona. Facial hair doesn’t pair well with lace, unless you're channeling an old Sicilian grandmother. Work with reality, sweetie. You may dream of being Cher or Elvira, but if the mirror is shouting Bea Arthur, it’s time to rethink the concept.
Don’t despair, my drag novice. Divine made it, and she was more ham than glam.
4. The Couples Costume: A Mediator Disaster
Nothing tests a relationship like choosing a couples costume.
One partner wants Woody and Buzz Lightyear. The other wants Moses and the Burning Bush.
One suggests Fred and Wilma Flintstone. The other proposes Colonel Sanders and a chicken.
Soon bathroom doors are slamming, the silent treatment begins, and somebody schedules a three-hour therapy session.
Don’t let Halloween destroy your relationship. Choose something you can both tolerate, then let the partner with a higher credit card limit make the final decision.
Remember, you only have to lower your standards for one night, and there are worse things than wearing a diaper and carrying a rattle.
Honey, I’ve been there, and it wasn’t even October 31st.
5. The Pet Costume: Who’s Really Being Humiliated?
Every October, millions of dogs and cats are forced into costumes they never agreed to wear. Dogs become pumpkins, axe murderers, and zombie pooches. Cats become witches, pirates, and furry dictators who look ready to consult legal counsel.
The internet loves these photos. The pets do not.
A dog wearing a lion’s mane is probably wondering why his human has lost their f***ing mind. A cat dressed as a fairy princess isn’t experiencing a magical transformation. She is planning your long, painful demise.
Expect retaliation in the form of chewed slippers, shredded upholstery, and kitty litter in your morning coffee.
6. The Morning-After Test
Before venturing to a costume party, conduct what I call the Morning-After Test.
Stand before a mirror and ask yourself three questions:
· Can I wear this for four hours without losing circulation?
· Can I eat, dance, and use the restroom without technical assistance?
· Can I remove it safely after six dirty martinis?
If you answer yes to the first two and don’t mind makeup smeared on your pillowcases, you’re ready.
One final warning: never underestimate the photographic longevity of a Halloween costume.
That picture of you dressed as a roll of toilet paper at age thirty may resurface at your retirement party, your son’s wedding, or your funeral.
You might be gone, but the photo lives forever.
7. The Final Word: Be Fun and Fabulous!
My Happy Halloweeners, you don’t need an expensive costume, unless you’re trying to outshine your ex. All you need is imagination, a sense of humor, and enough common sense not to glue anything permanent to your face.
Be the person who shows up dressed as a tax auditor and spends the evening terrifying everyone who owns a small business.
The best costume is one that makes you feel good, makes others laugh or scream, and doesn’t require the “Jaws of Life” to remove.
If you run into me this Halloween, I’ll be dressed as a wealthy, mysterious European count.
The cape is velvet. The boots are Italian. The hair is impeccable. The costume cost more than my first car, and I expect to be treated accordingly.
I tend to turn a few heads and at least one straight man gay.
Now, the time is running short, and I have a date with a tailor, an appointment for fang implants, and a vampire cape tangled in my ceiling fan.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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