Sparks Ignites

We live in a world of smells. It’s one of our five senses and the one we’re most obsessed with. From ancient civilizations to now, we’ve been busy creating smells to hide other smells. Eliminating the funk for fabulous is the goal. From the primordial sludge, life began. The broth of creation surely didn’t smell like perfume. We didn’t evolve from a vat of Estee Lauder. There’s no record of its aromatic fragrance since whoever was crawling out forgot to take a sample. Scientists say the closest to the original gaseous mixture they’ve found is Campbell’s Hungry Man Soup.    Neanderthals and Cro Magnons weren’t big on keeping notes so we know little about prehistoric hygiene practices. Unfortunately, the one remaining family of Neanderthals, who lived in a trailer park in Tooberville, GA, disappeared in 1965. The family of Bob and Chrissy Homo-Erectomins, fled their Airstream when scientists started sniffing around.    Anthropologist, Margaret Mead, visited the trailer...

  Washington, D.C. – Marjorie Taylor Greene, Congresswoman, former Waffle House waitress and Miss Georgia Peach Pit 1990, has demanded the search and capture of pop singer, Rihanna.   “She’s an illegal space alien and a threat to national security,” Greene said last night during the podcast—   Anyone Can Be in Congress. “Rihanna floated into the Super Bowl on a space sled and took the stadium hostage. Biden should have had the Air Force take her down immediately.” Greene believes the alien invasion started with the “so called” Chinese Spy Balloon.    "What kind of name is Rihanna? Clearly not from this earth. Where I grew up, regular names were Billy Bubba, Wanda Lou, Tammy June, Clovis and Pickles,” Greene said. “Why weren’t spectators shocked? Greene stated Rihanna hijacked the game and brainwashed millions of American citizens. “She was clearly sending messages of world domination through some weird musical code, while guarded by a squadron of stormtroopers i...

  I ran into my friend Rose, the other day, and asked how she’d been. She said she was stressed because her mom was ill. I politely inquired about her condition like I was CNN’s Sanjay Gupta. She’d been diagnosed with moleopothy— a sudden eruption of hairy moles on her face. After my initial gasp of horror and an urge to make a werewolf reference, I asked if the doctor prescribed Molezympica. She said “yes” and immediately I went into my fair balance spiel.    I told her to monitor for side effects and discontinue use if her mom has sudden onset unibrow, drooping nipples, howling at the full moon, undressing by fire hydrants, a desire to eat meals in the basement or if one of her moles starts talking.    I inquired if her mom had any pets? The most adverse reaction is extreme and deadly flatulence fatal to pets under 30 pounds. Rose looked concerned and said  Mr. Sniffles, a chihuahua, had been staggering around the house.   “How do you know all t...

I haven’t been a hospital patient since I was in grade school. I remember the nurses dressed in white uniforms with pillbox hats looking like Jackie Kennedy’s bridesmaids. They were visions of purity, supplying drugs and sponge baths. Immaculate angels in white— the appropriate color to wear when blood and body fluids are only a squirt away.   IV Bottles, syringes and thermometers were made of glass. When the Good Humor person of medicine came bearing a cylinder filled with toxic mercury, you had to make sure you didn’t bite down. Also, pray they didn’t tell you to roll on your side. “No sneaking in the back door. That’s a no glass insertion zone, Nurse Ratched!”   Surgical procedures, medical technology and patient care has progressed far from what I remembered as a six-year-old. Hospital stays are as brief as possible. They throw you out of bed hours after surgery. When I had my appendix taking out, I was in-patient until my stitches could be removed. I was there so long I h...

  Washington, D.C. -  Congressman, George Santos, stunned reporters this morning at a press conference, held at the Motel 6 Washington, DC - Convention Center, when he admitted to lying to the country and his constituents in the 3 rd  District of New York.    Santos entered the room wearing white pants and a white bed sheet, wrapped around his torso. It was held together with a brown belt and he carried a florescent light tube. “I’ve had to make up many stories to protect this country and the entire world.” He told a room packed with news correspondents.   “At last, I can reveal the truth. My real name is George Lucas Skytos. I’m a Jedish Knight sent here from another galaxy, far, far away. I’m here to save this planet,” Santos said.    He explained that he was told to create a false identity by his father, the Supreme Leader of the Empire— Darth Donald.    “I’ve posed incognito as a graduate of Baruch College and NYU, a star volley...

  Capitol Hill, MN:  On January 6 th , fifteen-time loser, Marjorie Tyler Kelly, was named the winner of the 2023 National Pie Baking Contest held at the Holiday Inn Express in Capitol Hill, Minnesota. This annual crusty event celebrated its 118 th  year awarding the top honor to amateur baker Ms. Kelly.  Former twenty-time champion, Head Judge - Millie Musgrave, said she was speechless when this year’s winner was announced. “Ms. Kelly has the tenacity to submit her concoctions every year, but I’m astounded she was able to grab the top award.” Musgrave went onto say that Kelly had a tough and gritty personality, “Pretty much like her pies.” The panel of twenty judges deliberated into the early morning hours of January 6 th  before declaring Kelly the winner. According to an unnamed source, the judges were split on awarding the prize to a pie that clearly was the worst pie in MN.  Musgrave, who was the head judge this year, said, “Kelly’s pie, an Apple ...

  June is Gay Pride Month. It’s the time to hang rainbow flags, celebrate diversity, equality, love, inclusion and show support for the LGBTQ+ community. There are parades, parties, memorials and tv programs celebrating the history of gay culture. As indiviuals discuss their coming out process, the question always arises “when did you know you were gay?”  For some it can be a slow process, questioning where they fall on the spectrum of self-identification. For me there was never a question. I came out at birth holding a ticket to Key West and a rainbow binky. No need to keep my parents guessing. I knew from the moment the doctor said “the baby is crowning” that I was royalty. The reality smacked me soon after I left the hospital, but a “Gurl” can dream. “Can I get an amen?” I escaped nine months from my isolation chamber, and didn’t scream or cry. Instead, I sang the 12” Club Version of “I’m Coming Out,” my homage to the diva — Miss Ross.  The birth canal is not equipped ...