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SPARKS BRIEF: One Nation Under A Goon


Washington, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “the Netflix of Narcissism,” President Trump today reportedly annexed the entire American broadcast television ecosystem. CBS, NBC, and ABC have been merged into a single network called DJT — “Donald’s Jumbotron of Truth” — broadcasting 24/7 “all truth, all the time.”

“The death of the First Amendment came swiftly — with a stab in the back by a KFC chicken leg,” said Miss Libby Liberty of the USA Broadcasters Alliance.

White House communications officer Ricky Rehe-Toric told reporters, “This is not censorship; this is streamlining American information. We’re ushering in a new golden age of programming— literally. Everything’s gold now.”

Trump himself issued a statement: “We’ve reinvented television, just like people — many, many people — said I should. It’s not fake news. It’s my news. The best news. I’m hearing it’s phenomenal. Finally, TV with class — Trump style. The most-watched news in history, probably ever. Ratings Lincoln, ratings Washington, even ratings Jesus wished they had.”

“We are witnessing state TV in America. Everything now gleams under Trump’s golden arches,” said Liberty.

All shows will open with a 30-second standing ovation and a new version of “Macho Man” performed by the New Village People — six January 6th convicts wearing gold jumpsuits.


Sample Program Lineup

  • Dancing with the Stars — “Who Love Me”
    Watch Scott Baio, Roseanne Barr, Jerry Falwell Jr., and the Naked Cowboy cha-cha to “Y.M.C.A.” and “I Will Survive” while Trump tweets live commentary.
  • 60 Minutes of Me
    The first show in history with 90 minutes of commercials for Trump-branded steaks, water, and gold shoes. Watch as the president orders from DoorDash and shares his “best thoughts” between bites.
  • CSI: Mar-a-Lago
    Investigators scour golf carts, bathrooms, and Taco Bell bags for classified documents but find only love letters from MAGA loyalists and Vladamir Putin.
  • America’s Got Treasons
    The Grand White House Wizard compiles his enemies list with a golden Sharpie.
  • Big Ballroom
    A 24/7 reality series chronicling the construction of the largest ballroom ever built. Watch Mexican laborers on ICE furloughs build an event space big enough for His Majesty’s ego — or at least his personal portrait collection.
  • Giuliani’s Anatomy
    Once “America’s Mayor,” Rudy is now a struggling hospital administrator who falsifies records, violates HIPAA, and conducts taxpayer-funded research into “dripping hair dye disease” and “cankles.”
  • Melania After Midnight
    Surveillance footage of the First Lady padlocking her bedroom door and stationing a Secret Service agent with a taser nearby. (This one’s pay-per-view.)
  • Washington Weather Network
    Forecasting brought to you by the MyPillow guy: “Donny Made It Sunny Again.”
  • The DJT Awards™ (replacing the Oscars, Grammys, Pulitzers, and Nobel Prize in one mega-event):
    • Best Tweet
    • Best Lawsuit Filed Against Trump
    • Best Insult to a World Leader
    • Best Trump Suck-Up

All televisions in the U.S. will be pre-tuned to DJT. The new gold remote features only two buttons: “LOUDER” and “STANDING OVATION.” Citizens attempting to bypass DJT will be reported to the ICE Geek Squad (formerly the FCC).


Historians — now rebranded as “Trump Storytellers” — warn DJT TV may usher in a new era of “info-tainment autocracy.” Trump supporters are already camping outside Best Buy to purchase the DJT-TV Gold Package, which includes a complimentary velvet portrait of Trump hugging the Liberty Bell.

Meanwhile, the Smithsonian has been converted into the world’s largest green-screen studio, featuring a new animatronic dinosaur called “T-Rump — Greatest Predator in History.”

As the ACLU and protesters take to the airwaves and streets, Trump told reporters, “This is a historic moment, just like the moon landing — which, by the way, I did first. People said, ‘Sir, you can’t own all the channels.’ I said, ‘When you’re the president, you can do what you want. You can grab them by the remote.’ And now you’re watching me. Forever.”

 

 

 

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