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SPARKS BRIEF: "Gloria Gaynor Insists She's Not a One-Hit Wonder, Cites 100 Remixes of the Same Song"



Englewood Cliffs, NJ – Gloria Gaynor, newly minted recipient of the 2025 Kennedy Center Honors, held a press conference today at the Days Inn at the Newark Liberty International Airport—a venue that perfectly captured the gravitas of the moment.

Gaynor, hoping to silence critics calling her a “one-hit wonder,” addressed a half-dozen reporters. “I’ve had a long and successful career of hit songs, of which ‘I Will Survive’ was just one,” she insisted, while distributing coffee and stale conference-room danishes.

The Kennedy Center Honors are meant to recognize artists for their lifetime contributions to the arts. Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” the disco anthem released in 1978, went platinum and became a global hit. But since the disco crowd put away their hot pants, wrap dresses, platform shoes, glitter, and cocaine, critics have struggled to name anything else in her music catalog.

A survey of Gen Z and Millennials revealed that few even recognized Gaynor’s name. Some thought she might be a substitute teacher; others assumed she was in their mom’s book club or a weather person on the local nightly news.

“I’ve heard my grandma singing that song after every divorce,” said influencer Madison Galaxy. “She used to bop to it until her hip replacement. Now she spins the wheels on her walker.”

When pressed for proof of her musical legacy, Gaynor handed out a stapled packet titled Selected Works of Great Cultural Significance, which listed remixes of her biggest hit:

  • I Will Survive (Saturday Fever Mix)
  • I Will Survive (Onion Dip Mix)
  • I Will Survive (The Chex Mix)
  • I Will Survive (Now With Probiotics)
  • I Will Survive (Mama Needs Retirement Remix)
  • I Will Survive (MAGA Inaugural Mix)
  • I Will Survive (AI Deepfake Duet with Lady G—Sen. Lindsey Graham)

She also noted her foray into gospel music, with albums such as:

  • We Will Survive
  • Jesus Will Revive
  • Pass the Plate So I Will Survive

One reporter observed that Gaynor has milked her signature hit “more thoroughly than 500 dairy cows in Wisconsin.” Most agree she falls well short of the Kennedy Center’s usual standards.

Speculation persists that Gaynor’s honor had less to do with music than with politics. “Turns out if you Venmo the president $2,000 and whisper your name into his ear while he’s eating a Filet-O-Fish, you’re in,” said Babs Fridel of Rolling Stone. “If that’s the case, I’m submitting my clarinet recital of ‘Oy Will Survive’ from my bat mitzvah. By 2026, I fully expect to be honored between Kid Rock and the guy who invented Axe body spray. A girl from the Bronx can dream.”



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