Skip to main content

Posts

Gaylord Goforth's Guide to the Yearly Heart Attack

  My Darling Tricuspids and Bicuspids : It’s that time of year when everything screams hearts. No, it has nothing to do with cardiac health, although you might want to stick nitroglycerin under your tongue for the pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, which arrives with the drama of overexpressed love and forced sentiment. It’s not really a holiday. It’s more of a social experiment conducted by greeting card companies, food manufacturers, and florists. Every year, they want to see how many adults can be emotionally destabilized by rose petals, glitter, and heart-shaped food items that were never meant to be shaped like hearts. (Looking at you, heart-shaped pizza. You know what you did.) As a columnist with great taste and an overabundance of advice, I’ve lived through more Valentine’s Days than Madonna, Cher, and the Jacksons’ plastic surgeries combined. I’ve seen passion wilt faster than supermarket roses under fluorescent lighting. To ensure that you’ll emerge on February 15 th  unsca...
Post a Comment
Read more
Recent posts

SPARKS BRIEF: The New Me, Myself, and iPhone

  Cupertino, CA – Apple announced a new series of smartphones to be released in the spring of 2026. The new   Me, Myself, and iPhone   features upgraded tools designed to enhance twenty-four hours of “me time.” The phone will make everything about the all-important “ME.” It will be my world, and welcome to it. If it’s not about you, why should you care? Not only will it be your smartphone, but it will also be your best friend. Tim Cook, Apple CEO, told the media that the phone will come in three models: the “Mini Me 18,” “Mighty Me Pro,” and “All Me Pro Max.” “The phone is highly intuitive and will always be there to plan your day, tell you who to talk to, when to take a selfie, and make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. Because you and the phone think you are,” said Cook. Chip Bait tested the new phone prototype and said that the camera assured him he looked amazing, provided he tilted his head, faced the light, and selected one of the twelve f...
1 comment
Read more

SPARKS BRIEF: The Party Will Be Televised

Minneapolis, MN – Trump and members of his administration have informed the nation, for the second time, that vision is optional, memory is negotiable, and reality now requires an oath of loyalty. According to them, the public didn’t see what actually took place on the streets of Minneapolis.  Despite video footage, eyewitness accounts, and two deadly shootings, Trump’s message remains familiar: you didn’t see what you think you saw .  It’s the same reassurance echoed in 2018 when he said, “Just remember: What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.” A quote that has aged less like a Cabernet and more like an instruction label for authoritarianism.  This altered reality program is gaining traction in DC and across the country among MAGA sycophants who are challenged by facts and independent thinking. The central philosophy is simple, because that is what the party understands best: when reality becomes inconvenient, deny its existence and blame far-...
Post a Comment
Read more

SPARKS BRIEF: 2026 Prescription for Peace

  Piscataway, NJ - The ball in Times Square has finished its pole dance, and already we’re telling Jesus to “take the wheel.” Trump overexposure mode is in full effect. Millions are yelling at the TV and making expressive hand gestures.  Fortunately, in 2026, there will be some relief. Temporal Pharmaceuticals has formulated a new wonder drug that will be available on January 31. Trump-Zac 47 is the first prescription medication designed to relieve the chronic exhaustion, stress, and other debilitating symptoms of Trump Saturation Syndrome.  Clinical trials were conducted on a focus group of undecided voters, exhausted bipartisan individuals, and the First Lady. “Most time I like to forget who is husband,” Melania said. A daily dose of Trump-Zac 47 works by coating the frontal lobe with a protective film that removes any memories of Donald Trump. The orange pill filters out distressing phrases like “many people are saying,” “tremendous,” “believe me,” and “the likes of wh...
Post a Comment
Read more

Betwixtmas - The Week Time Forgot

You have entered the void. The wrapping paper is smashed in the trash, family feuds over politics and global warming are still ringing in your ears, the holiday feast has left you bloated, and Hallmark has just aired their 500 th  Christmas movie. You’ve just entered the void known as Betwixtmas.  Every year, we enter an existential zone when Christmas ends and the New Year hasn’t begun. It’s a week of lawless abandonment when days and time don’t seem to matter. We don our non-gay apparel of elastic-waist sweatpants or leave on our pajamas. It’s an alternate reality sandwiched between the gluttony of December 25 th  and the year-end disappointment of December 31 st .  Remember, as Barry Manilow says, “It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve.” If we can remember what day it is. If you’re not working during the week after Christmas, there aren’t any discernible days. Clocks have lost authority, and even if you know it’s Tuesday, you must ask anyway. Begin every conversation w...
1 comment
Read more

SPARKS BRIEF - Babes in AI Land

  New York, NY – The holiday shopping season has one day left for 2025.  Parents across the country are scouring malls and the internet for the right toy, all “for the little ones, Christmas   joys.” This year, reports show a growing market for toys with artificial intelligence (AI).  In days of yore, toys had boundaries. A doll blinked. A truck rolled. A jack-in-the-box sprang on you like a small, manageable heart attack. Toys knew their place. They sparked imagination, developed creativity, offered education, and kept your kid occupied while you downed your second afternoon martini.  The wildly popular Cabbage Patch Kids from the 1980s were made from cloth, stuffing, yarn, and plastic. No tech. Parents waited in line, not online, to maim each other for the holy grail of dolls. The chubby-faced doll stared blankly, arms outstretched, waiting to be loved. It smelled like baby powder, wore a diaper, and required nothing else.  Now, if your child’s stuff...
Post a Comment
Read more

Gaylord Goforth's Guide to Holiday Decorating

  Happy Holidays, Dashers and Dancers! It's that time of year again when everyone is donning their gay apparel and making the Yuletide gay. Need I say more? The Christmas decoration season is upon us, and you should be flinging glitter everywhere.  But fear not, my figgy puddings, I’m here to help you navigate through holiday decorating with grace, taste, and minimal emotional damage. My first question to you is: have you started decorating your home for the holidays? If not, what is the problem?  The boxes of garlands, tinsel, baubles, and beads should be opened as soon as the Thanksgiving turkey carcass is roosting in the refrigerator. The rule is that the Rockefeller Center tree should not be lit before your glowing presentation in pine.  Rule 1: The Tree - A Battle Between Natural and Fake (A Holiday Boob Job) A Christmas tree should be your best friend: tall, sturdy, and willing to hold your seasonal stress and anxiety without dropping a few balls. If you’re a p...
Post a Comment
Read more