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SPARKS BRIEF: Bondi and Noem Are On a Roll

Washington, D.C. – Families attending this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll expected candy, plastic eggs, and an orange man with a red clown tie smelling like a McDonald's Big Mac. Instead, they were greeted by former Attorney General Pam Bondi, dressed as a six-foot Easter Bunny, crying pastel tears. Witnesses said Bondi emerged from the back of a U-Haul truck, carrying a basket filled with office supplies and shouting, “The Dow is under 50,000, and do your parents have any leads for a job in the private sector?” Children quickly noticed something unusual about the eggs around the White House construction site. Rather than containing jelly beans, chocolate, or small toys, every egg contained a flash drive loaded with Melania: My Journey: Slovenian Super Model to First Arm Candy. The unsuccessful documentary project was rated a whopping ten percent on Rotten Tomatoes. This nearly four-hour version features Melania eating a saltine, wandering empty halls carrying a G...

SPARKS BRIEF: Mr. Elvis Comes To Graceland

Washington, D.C. – After visiting Graceland on Monday, March 23, Trump announced new plans to recreate Elvis Presley’s home as the new White House East Wing. "The King of Rock and Roll might have had great success with his music career, but nobody ever talks about his interiors,” Trump said, now apparently America’s leading Elvis design historian. “Elvis, The King, or as I call him, King, was way beyond his time regarding interior design. His den, or as I call it, ‘The Jungle Room,’ has shag carpeting on the floor and the ceiling. Quite frankly, it’s beautiful. I’ve done gold ceilings, never carpet. That changes now. My carpet will be more presidential—gold leaf, and maybe chandeliers in the shag. Very classy. Tremendous acoustics, and I know acoustics." “Soon, construction will begin on the Trump White House Graceland Jungle Room Ballroom. I’ve reviewed costs. Approved. Very quickly approved.” Trump told the press during a cabinet meeting. Paige Turner, a reporter w...

What's The Deal With Christian Mascots?

Christianity is the largest religion in the world. The book version has been on the bestseller list for 1,500 years. All the pomp and pageantry that began in the 4 th century are still celebrated worldwide. Other religions have key holidays, but none match the two biggest Christian blockbusters: Easter and Christmas. These are the gold standard for measuring religiosity. Somewhere along the line, Christianity looked at its deeply sacred, centuries-old celebrations and said, “You know what we need? A brand ambassador.” Not an overpaid celebrity, but a real attention-getting mascot—preferably, one that can be licensed, stuffed with polyester, and sold in retail stores everywhere. And so, we have two pillars of modern Christian iconography: a jolly home-invading toy mogul wearing velvet and fur and a giant rabbit who apparently lays eggs like a deranged chicken with a fluffy tail. Easter, which celebrates resurrection, triumph over death, and eternal life—basically the ho...

Gaylord Goforth's Guide to Irish Imposters - St. Paddy's American Style

Top of the Morning to Ya, My Lads and Lassies: March 17 is upon us, and that means good ole Saint Paddy’s Day has arrived. Green beer, Guinness, whiskey, and corned beef will be consumed while the uncoordinated try river dancing in pubs across the country. In places with names like O’Shaughnessy’s, O'Toole’s, McMahon’s Lucky Shamrocks, etc. Irish drag queens like Anita O’Touchin and Sin-Need O’Contour will be singing songs like “ Oh Danny Boy…Did You Borrow My Wig?” or “ Whiskey in the Bra .” My query (pun intended) is, why does everyone think they’re Irish on Saint Patrick’s Day? Suddenly, there are shamrocks, Celtic crosses, and Irish flags everywhere. You go into a taqueria, and a leprechaun statue is holding a green taco. There are lime green margaritas, and your waitress tells you her name is Noreen Sanchez. From major cities to one-horse towns, people are wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts, and none of them have relatives with freckles or red hair. All ethni...

SPARKS BRIEF: When Life Gives You A Lemon Start A Podcast

Washington, D.C. – After an insult-driven, shrill performance by Attorney General Pam Bondi during a congressional hearing, MAGA loyalists have dubbed her their darling of scorched-earth politics. Aides are calling this “a bold pivot from gavel to growl.” The former Florida Attorney (Burn Book Barbie) has launched a new political podcast titled The Hour of Sour. It’s a weekly 60-minute citrus squeeze of grievances, grimaces, and government grumbling. Special guests rant and occasionally report that the Dow is over 50,000. They’re coached to fume about politics with the intensity of Trump denying his involvement with Jeffrey Epstein or the love of his White House gold drapes. Bondi blasts anyone who questions whether her loyalty lies with Trump or the American people. Her reply to a reporter questioning her after the Senate hearing about serving the country was, “I serve at the pleasure of the president. He chose me as the attorney general for his...

Gaylord Goforth's Guide to the Yearly Heart Attack

My Darling Tricuspids and Bicuspids : It’s that time of year when everything screams hearts. No, it has nothing to do with cardiac health, although you might want to stick nitroglycerin under your tongue for the pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, which arrives with the drama of overexpressed love and forced sentiment. It’s not really a holiday. It’s more of a social experiment conducted by greeting card companies, food manufacturers, and florists. Every year, they want to see how many adults can be emotionally destabilized by rose petals, glitter, and heart-shaped food items that were never meant to be shaped like hearts. (Looking at you, heart-shaped pizza. You know what you did.) As a columnist with great taste and an overabundance of advice, I’ve lived through more Valentine’s Days than Madonna, Cher, and the Jacksons’ plastic surgeries combined. I’ve seen passion wilt faster than supermarket roses under fluorescent lighting. To ensure that you’ll emerge on February 15 th unsca...