Dearest Giblets and Drumsticks, It’s the time of year again when your family and friends gather at your home to attack a single turkey, much like a lion tearing into a gazelle. As your guests settle around the Thanksgiving table, make sure they’re awed by your tableau of autumnal harvest. Thanksgiving is not just a meal, my little pilgrims; it’s performance art. Your table décor should whisper, “ I’m too good for your green bean casserole .” Items that are required are: · One table runner in fall tones. (Preferably velvet or linen. If you’re thinking a polyester blend, just shoot yourself with a musket; Thanksgiving is over.) · Three dozen tea lights. · A centerpiece of seasonal flowers, pumpkins, gourds, Indian corn, and real turkey feathers, if you’ve killed the bird yourself. (A general rule of thumb is that if you can see the guests across the...
St. Cloud, MN – Immigration officials are reporting a crisis at the borders of Canada and Mexico. Millions of American turkeys are reportedly trying to flee the country ahead of Thanksgiving. What is being labeled as a mass avian exodus has gained national attention as “panicked poultry” attempt to cross the borders. “Many of the birds are wearing disguises,” reported Canadian border patrol agent Terry Trudeau. “We just detained a group of twelve turkeys trying to pose as a family called the Tetrazzinis. The wigs and outfits were not fooling us—even the children had turkey necks. They were driving a 1985 Chevy station wagon, and their behind-the-wheel skills were impressive.” At the Mexican border, dozens of turkeys are attempting to sneak in dressed as mariachi bands. “They can’t cluck Spanish, but their rhythm is remarkable,” said one border officer. Minnesota, the largest turkey-producing state, has seen a decline in turkey numbers since ear...