Sparks Ignites

  New York, NY – Beauty products are big business, especially “skin care.” Every year, billions are spent trying to recreate the glow of youth, now marketed as “healthy,” “clean,” and “natural.” Consumers are encouraged to avoid lab-formulated ingredients such as hyaluronic acid, retinoids, glycolic acid, crude oil, paint thinner, spackle, and Flex Seal. As marketing ramped up to soothe anxious shoppers whose wrinkles were begging to be plumped, high-end brands rolled out “natural panaceas.” Sheep placenta— including “Mary’s Little Lamb” —had its moment. Then companies researched niche markets and added grapeseed for wine drinkers. Soon, French, Swedish, and Finnish brands were offering Tadpole Face Rejuvenator, Elk Sweat Gland Wrinkle Erase, and Feline Hairball Restorative Gel. Whether dissected, extracted, or coughed up onto a carpet, nothing gave consumers the glowing results they wanted. Well, except for Swedish Duchess Lydia Fish of Flugelhoffer, who says that after four weeks...

  Dearest Giblets and Drumsticks, It’s the time of year again when your family and friends gather at your home to attack a single turkey, much like a lion tearing into a gazelle. As your guests settle around the Thanksgiving table, make sure they’re awed by your tableau of autumnal harvest.  Thanksgiving is not just a meal, my little pilgrims; it’s performance art. Your table décor should whisper, “ I’m too good for your green bean casserole .”   Items that are required are: ·        One table runner in fall tones. (Preferably velvet or linen. If you’re thinking a polyester blend, just shoot yourself with a musket; Thanksgiving is over.)  ·        Three dozen tea lights. ·        A centerpiece of seasonal flowers, pumpkins, gourds, Indian corn, and real turkey feathers, if you’ve killed the bird yourself. (A general rule of thumb is that if you can see the guests across the...

  St. Cloud, MN – Immigration officials are reporting a crisis at the borders of Canada and Mexico. Millions of American turkeys are reportedly trying to flee the country ahead of Thanksgiving. What is being labeled as a  mass avian exodus  has gained national attention as “panicked poultry” attempt to cross the borders.  “Many of the birds are wearing disguises,” reported Canadian border patrol agent Terry Trudeau. “We just detained a group of twelve turkeys trying to pose as a family called the Tetrazzinis. The wigs and outfits were not fooling us—even the children had turkey necks. They were driving a 1985 Chevy station wagon, and their behind-the-wheel skills were impressive.”  At the Mexican border, dozens of turkeys are attempting to sneak in dressed as mariachi bands.  “They can’t cluck Spanish, but their rhythm is remarkable,” said one border officer.  Minnesota, the largest turkey-producing state, has seen a decline in turkey numbers since ear...

  Washington, D.C. – Along with his gold sneakers, watches, cologne, and bitcoin, President Trump announced the launch of his own Christmas decoration line. He promises to “Make Christmas Great Again.”   The line he calls  Trumpmas  will hit stores “faster than Santa could hide his naughty files.” There’s North Pole gossip that Trump and Epstein are on the list for all their “ho-ho-ho’ing.” The “man in red” isn’t telling a single soul since he was given exclusive rights to the  Trump Action Figure,  which comes with a can of spray tan in  Tangerine Treason  and detachable cankles.  “Each ornament will be handcrafted by German artisans just like his Drumpf ancestors—by which we mean mass-produced in China, only approximately 8,000 miles from Germany,” reported Eric Trump.  Trump told reporters from the gold-plated Oval Office that the first product to hit store shelves will be the  Trump Hotel & Manger . “Baby Jesus won’t be born...

When I was a child, at Halloween, kids would put on their costumes and venture out into the early evening twilight, carrying a shopping bag waiting to be filled with candy. There were no fun-sized candy bars; we received the real thing, not a sample-sized facsimile—there’s no fun in one bite. The excitement was in the underlying dread of a potential cavity from binge-eating a Milky Way, a Hershey's, a Baby Ruth, and a Payday.  We’d wander for miles, fueled by sugar, adrenaline, and a sense of freedom in the darkened suburbs. When knocking on doors, there was always a bit of trepidation about whether you’d get a Reese’s Cup or a shriveled apple from the back of someone’s crisper drawer.  In our modern age of safety-conscious, convenience-obsessed helicopter parents, we’ve replaced the tradition of true “trick-or-treating” with something far more mundane and sterile:  Trunk or Treat .  For the uninitiated, Trunk or Treat is a hometown solution to Halloween’s most press...

Great news for Americans everywhere—or at least a few. You’ll no longer have to wish you had billions, a reality show, or secret Swiss bank accounts. Achieve the look that says, “ I have money,   status, and questionable taste.” Thanks to advancements in vinyl technology and our society’s desire to appear richer than we are, the  Trump Ballroom  can now be yours: fully inflatable and just several hundred pumps away from you becoming the despot of Versailles. Believe it or not, for less than a used Mini Cooper, you can blow up a faux monument to narcissistic excess and a truly useless vanity project. Your child’s birthday party can now have the same grandeur as a state dinner held for Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping, Kim Jong-Un, and Nicolás Maduro. Your kiddos can whisper cheating strategies for T-ball and about how the cost of their own ballroom isn’t over-inflated.  Being a blowhard makes for easy installation. Just demolish your two-car garage, and ten minutes later, y...