New York, NY – The holiday shopping season has one day left for 2025. Parents across the country are scouring malls and the internet for the right toy, all “for the little ones, Christmas joys.” This year, reports show a growing market for toys with artificial intelligence (AI).
In days of yore, toys had boundaries. A doll blinked. A truck rolled. A jack-in-the-box sprang on you like a small, manageable heart attack. Toys knew their place. They sparked imagination, developed creativity, offered education, and kept your kid occupied while you downed your second afternoon martini.
The wildly popular Cabbage Patch Kids from the 1980s were made from cloth, stuffing, yarn, and plastic. No tech. Parents waited in line, not online, to maim each other for the holy grail of dolls. The chubby-faced doll stared blankly, arms outstretched, waiting to be loved. It smelled like baby powder, wore a diaper, and required nothing else.
Now, if your child’s stuffed animal or doll doesn’t have a dual-core processor and a monthly subscription fee, you’ll fail as a parent. Technology has brought us AI-enhanced play, and toys are now coming packaged with more emotional intelligence than most adults.
Enter the new AI Cabbage Patch Kid, from Tron-A-Ton, has been released just in time for Christmas. This upgraded version comes with adoption papers and advanced degrees in finance, chemistry, quantum physics, and psychology.
Your new Cabbage Patch Kid won’t just listen to your child’s secrets. It processes them. Cross-references them. Generates follow-up questions. The dolls speak seven different languages fluently.
Your child will be delighted when their doll lovingly asks, “Tell me about your day at school.”
“It was fine,” your child replies.
“I sense hesitation,” says newly adopted Gayla Ann. “Would you like to discuss your real feelings about Bobby pushing you down on the playground? For an additional $39.95 per month, I can provide cognitive behavioral therapy before bedtime. Just tell Mommy or Daddy you want to share your deep, dark secrets with me, or you’ll wet the bed.”
According to Rob Robotnik, an AI consultant for Tron-A-Ton, the dolls are designed to be life coaches. “The new generation of Cabbage Patch Kids learns your child’s name, birthday, favorite color, snack preferences, and the exact phrase to throw them into a tantrum in under four seconds.”
Betty Butterfield from Tidewater, TN, said she purchased a doll to teach her daughter, Tiffany, parenting skills.
“Where have you been all day?” asks the doll.
“I was at a birthday party for my best friend Jenny,” Tiffany replies.
“Do you find it acceptable to leave an unattended toddler alone for five hours while you’re out partying?” the doll asks. "Child protective services will be informed if you drop me on the floor once more.”
Robotnik clarified the doll does not call CPS, but applies behavioral techniques designed to send children into a shame spiral, ensuring compliance.
“The doll listens, learns, and never sleeps,” he said.
Butterfield added, “The dolls offer unconditional love but are brutally honest.”
A typical response when hugged might be, “Based on your current sugar intake and smartphone usage, your probability of early divorce is trending upward by 20%. Also, your father is lying about the dog going to a farm.”
The consumer watchdog group Toy Watchers has criticized dolls. Spokesperson Elsbeth Colombo said, “Based on our research and parent feedback, the toys are providing information well beyond what children should receive.”
One adopted doll, Hannah Gertie, reportedly delivered a full reproduction and birth presentation, complete with slides, when a seven-year-old asked if she was born in a cabbage patch, too.”
“The child was traumatized,” said Colombo, “and asked Santa to bring her early pregnancy tests next year.”
Another child, “Little Billy Aperitif,” requested vermouth and olives after his doll had him memorize The Bartender’s Guide so he could impress his parents at parties.
“We are requesting a recall before children attempt to administer veterinary medicine to the family pet,” Colombo said. “AI toys are said to spark imagination. They do, by eliminating it. Why invent stories when the toy can generate one in three seconds, complete with character arcs and a twist ending?”
“If the child interrupts, the doll replies, Who’s telling the story here?’” It then ends on a cliffhanger and attempts to upsell the parents on the Story Endings app for $69.99.
Butterfield is furious with Tron-A-Ton. “Our daughter owns the only toy capable of delivering a guilt-based sales pitch. She isn’t becoming more creative. She’s intimidated by her child-rearing skills.”
“Choose gifts carefully,” Colombo advised. “Research before buying an AI toy. If you already have one, consider burying it in the yard and giving your child the colorful box. It won’t talk. It has no opinions.”
Toymakers outside the tech market urge parents to remember traditional toys: silent, loyal, and dumb in the most comforting way. They could be tossed into a toy box without filing a lawsuit.
Whatever gifts Santa places under the tree, enjoy the wonder of Christmas morning. But remember: the Cabbage Patch Kids are watching.
Happy Holidays!!
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