Happy Holidays, Dashers and Dancers!
It's that time of year again when everyone is donning their gay apparel and making the Yuletide gay. Need I say more? The Christmas decoration season is upon us, and you should be flinging glitter everywhere.
But fear not, my figgy puddings, I’m here to help you navigate through holiday decorating with grace, taste, and minimal emotional damage. My first question to you is: have you started decorating your home for the holidays? If not, what is the problem?
The boxes of garlands, tinsel, baubles, and beads should be opened as soon as the Thanksgiving turkey carcass is roosting in the refrigerator. The rule is that the Rockefeller Center tree should not be lit before your glowing presentation in pine.
Rule 1: The Tree - A Battle Between Natural and Fake (A Holiday Boob Job)
A Christmas tree should be your best friend: tall, sturdy, and willing to hold your seasonal stress and anxiety without dropping a few balls. If you’re a purist and opt for a real tree, prepare yourself for the needles to start falling on the way off the lot. Also, be aware that by the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, you’ll be living with something dead and flammable. But who am I to quibble about anything flaming? You should meet the men I’ve dated.
If you prefer an artificial tree, remember you only get what you pay for. Avoid Home Depot or Lowe’s; the trees look as real as Sylvester Stallone’s toupee. Your trip to either store should be to find a hot day worker to help you hang your mistletoe. (Wink! Wink!) Break into your savings account and splurge on a Balsam Hill prelit beauty. (No, I’m not being paid by Hallmark.) So what if your son’s college tuition is depleted? There’s more security in a civil service job. Tell him to forget about medical school; the heart of Christmas is more important than cardiology.
Rule 2: The Lights - Come On Baby Light My Branches (Don’t Get Your Bulbs in a Twist.)
Whichever you choose, the goal is to make it look festive and inviting to family and friends. Christmas lights represent hope, magic, and the optimistic belief that you won’t have one burnt-out bulb that decimates your feng shui holiday. (Survival Tip: Have vodka on hand so that countless martinis will dull the pain of the tree with the black hole.)
· White lights say, I’m refined and love simplicity.”
· Colored lights say, “I’m whimsical and might still believe in Santa.”
· Blinking lights say, “I wish I were in Vegas with a cocktail and an escort by the craps table.”
Choose your identity wisely. You don’t want to be that house with that tree.
Rule 3: The Ornaments - The Placement of the Balls (How Hung is Your Tree?)
Every ornament tells a story—like “This Rudolph without a nose reminds me of the Christmas Dad got drunk at the office party and threw up on the tree while putting it in the stand.” It’s those special memories that make decorating the tree a cry for therapy. Be precise with placing the ornaments on the tree. Size does matter. Little balls on the top and big balls on the bottom. Duh.
Meanwhile, if you’ve chosen to have children (bless your heart), they’ll contribute handmade ornaments composed of pipe cleaners, googly eyes, pasta, and a loose sense of artistic freedom. Hang them on the back of the tree where love and the work of a five-year-old Picasso can coexist peacefully. It’s an art installation only the cat should see.
Rule 4: The Mantle - Gather Around the Family Warmth of the Hearth (A Good Deodorant Will Keep it Festive)
In the world of style, simple elegance and holy-night beauty— using garland, candles, and something sparkly (not a disco ball)— should grace your mantelpiece. Unfortunately, it often resembles a yard sale hosted by an angel who has appeared on an episode of Hoarders.
Several tasteful stockings are appropriate and add to the festive look you're trying to achieve. If your mantel looks like the after-Christmas sale at Michael’s, call Nancy Drew because you haven’t got a clue.
Rule 5: The Outdoor Décor - Your Taste May Be Debatable (Don’t Let it Collapse Like an Inflatable)
Your yard and house should have a cohesive theme. Never use a variety of anything to show the neighborhood your sense of style. The same color and type of lights should cover your house and shrubbery. The use of different styles and multiple colors will scream multiple personality disorder. What personality decided to put rope lighting around the beach chairs still on your lawn from your July 4th picnic?
Nothing in your yard should look bloated or filled with hot air unless Aunt Tilly is dropping off a batch of her gingerbread cookies. This means inflatables are not acceptable as tasteful exterior décor. The only thing on your property that should be taller than the house is a majestic tree, not Frosty. If it constantly needs to be reinflated like a sick pufferfish, it shouldn’t be on your lawn.
Rule 5: Choose a Theme – And, Not One You Have to Explain
Your decorations should tell a story—preferably not one by Stephen King. Pick your theme and commit. Whether it’s white-light chic, icicle rustic, colorful Nutcracker whimsy, or modern LED, it should never be schizophrenic, where the voices in your wreath tell you to cover the doghouse in purple, blue, and orange flashing lights.
Rule 6: Remember the True Meaning of Christmas - It’s Not All the Feels; It’s the Decorations and the Shopping at Saks.
It’s not about gifts, or family, or peace, or joy to the world.
It’s about lighting, so flattering your skin will make you look ten years younger in holiday photos. Think a fountain of youth, not chocolate.
Warm bulbs only. If you use cool white lights, somewhere an angel loses a wing. You don’t want to be responsible for that unfortunate immortal being condemned to flying in a perpetual circle. It might just be your guardian angel, and if you’re living the life I advise, you’ll need all the protection you can get.
In Conclusion: Holidays Are a Time for Love, Beauty, Family, Martha Stewart Recipes and Judging Your Neighbor’s Taste.
My holly berries, I wish you a holiday season filled with style, serenity, and décor that does not whisper a hot glue gun was used. Step away from the gun. Experts are standing by, willing to help. Haven’t you seen the signs all over town advertising “Professional Light Installation”?
May your tree be balanced, your wreath appropriately sized, and your inflatables safely hidden in the crypt from whence they came.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good light fight!
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