Gaylord Goforth's Guide to the Yearly Heart Attack

 My Darling Tricuspids and Bicuspids:

It’s that time of year when everything screams hearts. No, it has nothing to do with cardiac health, although you might want to stick nitroglycerin under your tongue for the pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, which arrives with the drama of overexpressed love and forced sentiment.

It’s not really a holiday. It’s more of a social experiment conducted by greeting card companies, food manufacturers, and florists. Every year, they want to see how many adults can be emotionally destabilized by rose petals, glitter, and heart-shaped food items that were never meant to be shaped like hearts. (Looking at you, heart-shaped pizza. You know what you did.)

As a columnist with great taste and an overabundance of advice, I’ve lived through more Valentine’s Days than Madonna, Cher, and the Jacksons’ plastic surgeries combined. I’ve seen passion wilt faster than supermarket roses under fluorescent lighting.

To ensure that you’ll emerge on February 15^th unscathed, I have survival tips for all my special cherubs. Don’t think I mean that you’re chubby babies. You’re my angels who don’t need to dive into the Ozempic pool. Unless your doctor suggested it, then by all means, cannonball responsibly.  

Tip #1: Merchandise Mania 

Valentine’s Day is the annual Olympics of emotional validation. It’s chocolate-covered love wrapped in red foil, edible underwear nobody actually eats, giant stuffed bears clutching swollen hearts, and overpriced roses bred in a lab to die dramatically within 48 hours. Don’t get caught up in blatant propaganda. Love is not measured by a gift unless it’s in a Tiffany’s box, and even then, love might be returnable.

It’s a ploy for Hallmark to rake in the bucks, a cash cow with Cupid wings and a heart-shaped udder. How do you think they pay their actors for sixty days of holiday movies? Your Valentine’s dollars are supporting their Christmas balls. 

If you feel the need to buy a gift, know what’s appropriate for your “situationship.” The length of your ménage à deux is directly proportional to the level of financial recklessness you’re driven to display.  

My Rule of Thumb: 

·      If you met someone on Bumble or Grindr 3 weeks ago, and you’re unofficially dating, a casual “Happy VD” card is permitted. Don’t think about a gift, and don’t accept one. They might have already given you an STD. (Exception: If you’re a lesbian dating for three weeks, you’ve probably moved in together, have commingled your hand-thrown pottery, and adopted kittens named Brandi and Carlile. It’s not too soon to give an REI gift certificate.)

·      If you’re six months into some entanglement, a skincare set is appropriate. It says, “I love you, but your sallow complexion is not moving us to the next level.”

·      If you’ve been dating for five years, you’ve moved past the trinket stage. Appliances are now acceptable. The passion might not be lifting your spirits, but a Dyson cordless vacuum can keep your carpet fibers emotionally supported. 

Tip #2: Eat Your Heart Out

Do not plan to dine at a restaurant on February 14^th under any circumstances. The establishment will be noisy and crowded due to overbooked reservations and servers who have emotionally dissociated by 6:15 p.m. You’ll be forced to eat a “prix fixe” menu that will gouge your wallet with more gusto than the skirt steak they’re trying to tenderize. 

Just because they’re calling the evening specials “cutesy names” doesn’t mean they’re any tastier than the same dish you can eat on the 15^th for half the price. Forgo the “I Only Have Ribeyes For You” or “I’ve Got A Gelato Love.” Your palate deserves dignity. 

Stay home, order in, cuddle on the sofa, and know there’s nothing more romantic than sharing a container of house-fried rice while Love Island chokes on overpriced gold leaf chocolate cake. The Heimlich maneuver is not the sexy hug. 

Tip #3: Going It Alone 

Just because some of your acquaintances think you have to have a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t make it any truer than I will be fed bonbons by Jonathan Bailey, the “Sexiest Man Alive.” Unless the sexiest man alive is Raoul Horatio Fernandez, my building’s super. “Ay, Dios mio!” That’s a story for another column and possibly a steamy memoir.  

There’s nothing taboo about flying solo while the rest of the world tries to cram 12 months of affection into a single twenty-four-hour window so they can coast emotionally for the rest of the year like a Tesla with a low battery. 

Now there’s “Galentine’s” and “Palentine’s” Day, so all unattached friends can meet up and trash-talk about their coupled acquaintances. It can become a sacred tradition, but establish ground rules, like no crying after the third espresso martini or no dramatic reading of our Grindr rejection archive. That is a private museum exhibit.  

Tip #4: Love is 24/7

One day of the year does not define your love life or the love in your life. You’re a complete and unique individual, even if you have a spouse, a life partner, or an hourly escort. They should be the orange slice in your Aperol Spritz, not the evangelical Karen to your Drag Queen Story Hour. 

There should be acts of kindness and affection throughout the year, not just in the bleakness of winter when everyone’s vitamin D levels are dangerously low. Learn each other’s love language. (Hint: it’s not your partner calling you “Love Biscuit.”) If you're being misinterpreted, speak up. 

And if you really want a 25-pound box of Russell Stover’s chocolate, ask for it. But remember: The candy goes 75% off on the 15^th. That’s the true holiday.