SPARKS BRIEF: 2026 Prescription for Peace

Piscataway, NJ - The ball in Times Square has finished its pole dance, and already we’re telling Jesus to “take the wheel.” Trump overexposure mode is in full effect. Millions are yelling at the TV and making expressive hand gestures.

Fortunately, in 2026, there will be some relief. Temporal Pharmaceuticals has formulated a new wonder drug that will be available on January 31. Trump-Zac 47 is the first prescription medication designed to relieve the chronic exhaustion, stress, and other debilitating symptoms of Trump Saturation Syndrome.

Clinical trials were conducted on a focus group of undecided voters, exhausted bipartisan individuals, and the First Lady. “Most time I like to forget who is husband,” Melania said.

A daily dose of Trump-Zac 47 works by coating the frontal lobe with a protective film that removes any memories of Donald Trump. The orange pill filters out distressing phrases like “many people are saying,” “tremendous,” “believe me,” and “the likes of which you’ve never seen.” It reduces the desire to turn on a news program, check phone apps, or log onto media sites. Early trials suggest it blurs the words "exclusive," "bombshell," and "breaking" when nothing is ever broken.

No more CNN, Fox News, or MS Now to lose sleep over. For you, Wolf Blitzer is just one of Santa’s reindeer. You’ll have less stress and free time to binge-watch The Golden Girls or Friends. If you chat about Mad Men, it will be about the television series, not Trump’s Cabinet members.

Cee Alice, spokesperson for Temporal Pharmaceuticals, said, “Our testing on individuals who hadn’t slept since January 20, 2025, was very successful. Not only did they finally get eight hours of sleep, but they had no nightmares of being chased by a giant clementine and didn’t cry into their pillows.”

According to Alice, an extended-release (ER) formula will be released later this year. “The ER version is for heightened news cycles during hostile takeovers, non-sanctioned bombings, ICE raids, election season, the demolition of the White House, and the broadcast of the Kennedy Center Honors.

“Since taking Trump-Zac 47, I no longer understand politics or know who the clown is in the White House. My doctor has promised me that he will wean me off the drug if my family decides to leave the country. In the meantime, my blood pressure is normal, my hair is growing back, and I haven’t smashed my new TV with a baseball bat,” said one test subject.

Critics, especially Trump, have accused Trump-Zac 47 of being unpatriotic and “a total disaster, possibly the worst drug ever made.”

Trump went on Truth Social to rant about the new medication. “I’m looking into sanctions against Big Pharma regarding the radical far-left creating a fake pill that claims to erase Trump. I will not be cancelled like I cancelled Jeffrey Epstein’s Mar-A-Lago membership. It’s clearly a scam. Very weak. Someone’s cooking this stuff up in Sleepy Joe’s basement. I’ve got RFK Jr., I call him Bobby, working on it. We’ll figure it out, believe me. Tiny fake pills, sad.”

“We are still on track for Trump-Zac 47 to be on pharmacy shelves by the end of the month,” Alice said. “The demand is high for the wellness of our country’s population.”

A children’s version is reportedly in development, tentatively called Orange Stranger Danger Gummies.

Trump-Zac 47—Ask your doctor if ignorance is bliss?

FDA DISCLAIMER:
Trump-Zac 47 has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration, the Department of Homeland Security, or anyone who still has hope. Side effects may include selective amnesia, sudden calm during press briefings, an inability to recognize cable news anchors, and loss of outrage fatigue. Do not take Trump-Zac 47 if you are pregnant, nursing, actively doomscrolling, or currently running for public office. Consult your doctor if symptoms of awareness last longer than four hours. Discontinue use immediately if you begin saying “many people are saying” without irony.

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