Sparks Ignites

  My Dearest Witches and Warlocks:    October is creeping its way toward the second most popular holiday of the year: Halloween. What’s number one? Sweet Jesus, don’t tell me you’re clueless. Think “Away in a Manger” and an overweight guy who employs elves.  Halloween is one night sensible adults can unleash their inner freak and can dress like farm animals, serial killers, zombies, drag queens, and random food products. It’s the only time of year Mrs. Butterworth can sport tattoos and a septum piercing without raising eyebrows.  A respectable CPA can transform into a vampire, a PTA mom can become Dolly Parton, and a fifty-eight-year-old man named Ernie can squeeze into a superhero costume designed for someone whose last birthday featured pony rides and a clown.  Don’t mention the bulges. Batman has been stress-eating. 1.       The Sexy Costume Epidemic: What's with the trend in adult costumes like slutty nurse, slutty firefighter, ...

Washington, D.C. – In a move that could change the legacy of one of America’s fast-food giants, President Donald Trump plans to rename McDonald’s to  McTrump’s . As McDonald’s stock price declines in a volatile economy, Trump is threatening a government takeover of his favorite restaurant chain.  “The land of Ronald McDonald and Mayor McCheese may soon have a new leader in town: Dictator McCankles,” said economist Dowan Jones.  “I will make McDonald’s stock reach the highest it’s ever been,” said Trump at a press conference in a D.C., McDonald’s PlayPlace, which will soon be renamed  Trump’s Mini Mar-A-Lago for Kids.  “I have the best brain for fast food.” “There will be real golden arches at every location under Trump rule. And I know more about gold than Ronald, the Hamburglar, or Grimace. Who, by the way, I worked with professionally. Just a sad, purple, overweight loser. I told him, 'Grimace, you should be orange. 'That's the color of success.”  Mc...

    Washington, D.C. – President Trump is using late-night TV as the latest deflection tactic from rising inflation, soaring gas prices, the disastrous war with Iran, and the lingering Epstein file controversy. Undisclosed sources have reported that President Trump convened an emergency session of the Cabinet to address what he described as “the greatest crisis facing American television, possibly ever.”  Wearing a gold-trimmed terry cloth robe and clutching a Diet Coke, the orange-tinged politician told his group of sycophants in the Situation Room, “Colbert is gone. Many people are saying it’s because of me. And honestly? They’re right. But now we have a talk-show hole—a very, very beautiful hole at 11:35—and I plan to fill it. Nobody fills holes better than me. I’ve been filling holes my entire career. Just ask Don Jr.”  The meeting lasted three hours, with Cabinet members praising Trump for ridding the airwaves of crazy liberal Colbert and pitching ideas for a re...

  New York – Madonna, Pop icon and Queen of Reinvention released her 15 th  studio album on July 3.  Confessions II  has critics and fans raving about the new music from the “Maturiel Girl.”  Bruce LaFlame, president of the Madonna Forever Fan Club and resident of the Palm Springs Over The Rainbow Retirement Village is ecstatic. “The queen is back and stronger than ever. If she can drag her Brazilian Butt Lift back onto the dance floor, I can gas up my mobility scooter and spin it under the disco lights,” he said. “Gay men all over the globe are clutching their crucifixes and digging their jelly bracelets out of the attic.  Madonna has returned to her blonde roots with her new album, which is packed with what she does best—dance music. She’s currently outpacing her own hitmaker status with the new track “Danceteria.” The song debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. For a legend like Madonna, this is the icing on a forty-three-year career cake. Although t...