Washington, D.C. – After visiting Graceland on Monday, March 23, Trump announced new plans to recreate Elvis Presley’s home as the new White House East Wing.
"The King of Rock and Roll might have had great success with his music career, but nobody ever talks about his interiors,” Trump said, now apparently America’s leading Elvis design historian.
“Elvis, The King, or as I call him, King, was way beyond his time regarding interior design. His den, or as I call it, ‘The Jungle Room,’ has shag carpeting on the floor and the ceiling. Quite frankly, it’s beautiful. I’ve done gold ceilings, never carpet. That changes now. My carpet will be more presidential—gold leaf, and maybe chandeliers in the shag. Very classy. Tremendous acoustics, and I know acoustics."
“Soon, construction will begin on the Trump White House Graceland Jungle Room Ballroom. I’ve reviewed costs. Approved. Very quickly approved.” Trump told the press during a cabinet meeting.
Paige Turner, a reporter with National Press, noted that Elvis’s den was already called "The Jungle Room.”
“See? They’ve already listened. No one has better ideas than me. I have all the ideas,” Trump said. “That’s why my Graceland will be bigger, better, and whiter. Possibly more alive. He’s dead now. Choked on a pork chop…sad. Many people are saying it.”
The proposed East Wing design will include:
· A Situation Room reimagined as a sunken conversation pit with velvet walls and a live band on standby in case negotiations need a little “Love Me Tender.”
· A New Cabinet Room featuring mirrored ceilings so “every decision looks fantastic from all angles.”
Presidential historian Tucker Timeline expressed confusion, noting, “This is the first time a sitting president has attempted to merge the executive branch with a themed museum, a luxury lounge, and possibly a Vegas residency.”
A member of the White House communications staff confirmed that all cabinet members are being fitted for velour jumpsuits, ushering in what insiders are calling “casual authoritarian chic.” Trump will wear black leather with an American eagle design made with gold studs.
Trump said his favorite Elvis song, “Heartbreak Hound Dog,” will be played in the Oval Office on a loop. He also told reporters that Melania will be the new Priscilla.
“They have things in common—both are beautiful women who found love with older men. Elvis was ten years older than Priscilla. There are twenty-four years between Melania and Trump. So, quite frankly, I win bigly. More years—I reeled her in, and she let me do it,” Trump said. “In the East Wing, ‘Graceland,’ Melania will be known as Melcilla. She’ll bring 60s glamour back to the White House. Nobody does beehives anymore. Sad.”
Democratic leaders say democracy will survive the addition of a 24-hour gift shop—though it may now come with commemorative snow globes and giant gold-plated belt buckles.
BREAKING NEWS: A foreign source told Paige Turner that an Iranian diplomat is intrigued and, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted, “If peace talks include peanut butter and banana sandwiches served under a chandelier shaped like a guitar, we are prepared to negotiate in good faith.”
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