Sparks Ignites

  My Darling Tricuspids and Bicuspids : It’s that time of year when everything screams hearts. No, it has nothing to do with cardiac health, although you might want to stick nitroglycerin under your tongue for the pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, which arrives with the drama of overexpressed love and forced sentiment. It’s not really a holiday. It’s more of a social experiment conducted by greeting card companies, food manufacturers, and florists. Every year, they want to see how many adults can be emotionally destabilized by rose petals, glitter, and heart-shaped food items that were never meant to be shaped like hearts. (Looking at you, heart-shaped pizza. You know what you did.) As a columnist with great taste and an overabundance of advice, I’ve lived through more Valentine’s Days than Madonna, Cher, and the Jacksons’ plastic surgeries combined. I’ve seen passion wilt faster than supermarket roses under fluorescent lighting. To ensure that you’ll emerge on February 15 th  unsca...

  Cupertino, CA – Apple announced a new series of smartphones to be released in the spring of 2026. The new   Me, Myself, and iPhone   features upgraded tools designed to enhance twenty-four hours of “me time.” The phone will make everything about the all-important “ME.” It will be my world, and welcome to it. If it’s not about you, why should you care? Not only will it be your smartphone, but it will also be your best friend. Tim Cook, Apple CEO, told the media that the phone will come in three models: the “Mini Me 18,” “Mighty Me Pro,” and “All Me Pro Max.” “The phone is highly intuitive and will always be there to plan your day, tell you who to talk to, when to take a selfie, and make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. Because you and the phone think you are,” said Cook. Chip Bait tested the new phone prototype and said that the camera assured him he looked amazing, provided he tilted his head, faced the light, and selected one of the twelve f...

Minneapolis, MN – Trump and members of his administration have informed the nation, for the second time, that vision is optional, memory is negotiable, and reality now requires an oath of loyalty. According to them, the public didn’t see what actually took place on the streets of Minneapolis.  Despite video footage, eyewitness accounts, and two deadly shootings, Trump’s message remains familiar: you didn’t see what you think you saw .  It’s the same reassurance echoed in 2018 when he said, “Just remember: What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.” A quote that has aged less like a Cabernet and more like an instruction label for authoritarianism.  This altered reality program is gaining traction in DC and across the country among MAGA sycophants who are challenged by facts and independent thinking. The central philosophy is simple, because that is what the party understands best: when reality becomes inconvenient, deny its existence and blame far-...

  Piscataway, NJ - The ball in Times Square has finished its pole dance, and already we’re telling Jesus to “take the wheel.” Trump overexposure mode is in full effect. Millions are yelling at the TV and making expressive hand gestures.  Fortunately, in 2026, there will be some relief. Temporal Pharmaceuticals has formulated a new wonder drug that will be available on January 31. Trump-Zac 47 is the first prescription medication designed to relieve the chronic exhaustion, stress, and other debilitating symptoms of Trump Saturation Syndrome.  Clinical trials were conducted on a focus group of undecided voters, exhausted bipartisan individuals, and the First Lady. “Most time I like to forget who is husband,” Melania said. A daily dose of Trump-Zac 47 works by coating the frontal lobe with a protective film that removes any memories of Donald Trump. The orange pill filters out distressing phrases like “many people are saying,” “tremendous,” “believe me,” and “the likes of wh...