A Ballroom Full of Hot Air

Great news for Americans everywhere—or at least a few. You’ll no longer have to wish you had billions, a reality show, or secret Swiss bank accounts. Achieve the look that says, “I have money, status, and questionable taste.”

Thanks to advancements in vinyl technology and our society’s desire to appear richer than we are, the Trump Ballroom can now be yours: fully inflatable and just several hundred pumps away from you becoming the despot of Versailles.

Believe it or not, for less than a used Mini Cooper, you can blow up a faux monument to narcissistic excess and a truly useless vanity project. Your child’s birthday party can now have the same grandeur as a state dinner held for Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping, Kim Jong-Un, and Nicolás Maduro. Your kiddos can whisper cheating strategies for T-ball and about how the cost of their own ballroom isn’t over-inflated.

Being a blowhard makes for easy installation. Just demolish your two-car garage, and ten minutes later, you’re admiring a giant white structure with faux columns, manufactured grandeur, and the distinct odor of a KFC Family Meal. You’ll be the talk of the neighborhood, but you’ll also be fined by your HOA for the desecration of your property.

Shop at Hobby Lobby for all ballroom-worthy party supplies. The Trump “Best in the World Ever”Collection features gold plastic plates, cutlery, napkins, balloons, and a bib for the ketchup-spilling host.

The best part of your vinyl showpiece is easy maintenance. Unlike marble ballrooms, the inflatable Trump Ballroom doesn’t require polishing, air conditioning, or the potential of a national security crisis. Just hose it off, deflate it, and shove it into a special sack resembling Mount Rushmore—featuring Donald’s head replacing George Washington’s. In less than an hour, you’ve replaced a monumental ballroom with a national monument.

This symbol of overindulgence is perfect for weddings, bar mitzvahs, fundraisers, or any event where you’d like guests to believe they’re attending something important. Inflate your status with your family and envious friends. The blow-up Trump Ballroom is the ultimate symbol of delusion.

Why settle for a modest gazebo when you can host your next neighborhood potluck in something that screams “future subpoenas”?

(Seasonal Warning: Do not place chafing dishes, turkey roasting pans, hot casseroles, or holiday chandeliers near the magnificent, gold filigreed walls, as melting can occur. You don’t want Grandmom’s yam surprise to smother the family under pounds of vinyl.)

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