SPARKS BRIEF: Big Bird Kicked from the Nest, Piggy in a Pinch: PBS Cuts Hit Hard

Manhattan, New York - "Sunny days, chasing the clouds away" is officially cancelled. The new Sesame Street anthem? “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to the Unemployment Office?”

With nearly $1 billion in PBS funding slashed, Sesame Street has shuttered its stores, leaving beloved felt and foam residents to face the harsh realities of the job market.

“They say Sesame Street is ripe for gentrification,” said Grover, reporting for the Sesame Sentinel. “Hooper’s Store is set to become a hot yoga studio, and 123 Sesame Street has been sold to Jeff Bezos as a location for Amazon Fresh.”

“Today’s final episode is brought to you by the letters F…U,” Grover added, mic drop included.

Kermit the Frog has sold his pad to the GEICO gecko and is now living in a puppet shelter, applying for unemployment. “You can’t keep a good frog down,” he quipped. Kermit’s side hustle? Pest control. “It pays peanuts, but I get unlimited bugs. Oscar told me to auction my legs to the highest-paying French restaurant. I welded his trash can shut instead.”

The Divine Swine, Miss Piggy, despite never setting a hoof on Sesame Street, has fallen on hard times. Evicted from her Plaza suite, her Hermes luggage and personal assistant Rizzo the Rat were left on the sidewalk. “I’m good with a block of cheese and a subway tunnel,” Rizzo sighed, “but the ‘Pork Star’ only wants the best.” Piggy is currently in an 18th Precinct cell for karate-chopping the concierge and three bellmen. Post-bail, she plans to launch a skincare line with Beaker called Pig Skin.

Cookie Monster quit a tech job after realizing “data cookies” aren’t edible. “Me need real chocolate chips! Me hungry!” Banned from Insomnia and Crumbl Cookies, he’s now dumpster-diving for day-old snickerdoodles, always paired with a shot of expired milk.

Elmo has gone full dark side, working part-time in Gonzo’s Dungeons of Dominance. When last seen, he was rocking leather chaps and nipple piercings, finally getting paid for more than just tickles.

Oscar the Grouch was evicted after claiming to be a “trash-to-cash gentrification consultant.” He’s got a lot of trash but zero consulting experience. The kindergarten dropout will have a tough time turning a profit from his can.

Meanwhile, Big Bird has started attending job fairs, though his towering stature makes networking a literal challenge. “I tried to fit into the interview room, but the ceiling tiles didn’t survive,” he tweeted. “Also, turns out my resume just says ‘Big, Yellow, Fluffy—Can Sing.’ Not exactly HR-friendly.”

Bert and Ernie are trying to turn their former basement apartment into an Airbnb, but out-of-towners are traumatized by the rubber duckie décor. Ernie said he doesn’t understand why guests get upset when he shows up to make their bath time fun.

Meanwhile, Muppet Mutual Employment Support (MMES) is drafting legislation for “felt unemployment benefits” and “foam housing assistance,” because in a world without PBS funding, even puppets need a safety net.

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