Sparks Ignites

When I was a child, at Halloween, kids would put on their costumes and venture out into the early evening twilight, carrying a shopping bag waiting to be filled with candy. There were no fun-sized candy bars; we received the real thing, not a sample-sized facsimile—there’s no fun in one bite. The excitement was in the underlying dread of a potential cavity from binge-eating a Milky Way, a Hershey's, a Baby Ruth, and a Payday.  We’d wander for miles, fueled by sugar, adrenaline, and a sense of freedom in the darkened suburbs. When knocking on doors, there was always a bit of trepidation about whether you’d get a Reese’s Cup or a shriveled apple from the back of someone’s crisper drawer.  In our modern age of safety-conscious, convenience-obsessed helicopter parents, we’ve replaced the tradition of true “trick-or-treating” with something far more mundane and sterile:  Trunk or Treat .  For the uninitiated, Trunk or Treat is a hometown solution to Halloween’s most press...

Great news for Americans everywhere—or at least a few. You’ll no longer have to wish you had billions, a reality show, or secret Swiss bank accounts. Achieve the look that says, “ I have money,   status, and questionable taste.” Thanks to advancements in vinyl technology and our society’s desire to appear richer than we are, the  Trump Ballroom  can now be yours: fully inflatable and just several hundred pumps away from you becoming the despot of Versailles. Believe it or not, for less than a used Mini Cooper, you can blow up a faux monument to narcissistic excess and a truly useless vanity project. Your child’s birthday party can now have the same grandeur as a state dinner held for Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping, Kim Jong-Un, and Nicolás Maduro. Your kiddos can whisper cheating strategies for T-ball and about how the cost of their own ballroom isn’t over-inflated.  Being a blowhard makes for easy installation. Just demolish your two-car garage, and ten minutes later, y...

My Dearest Pumpkin-Spiced Ghouls and Goblins, October has arrived, and if you haven’t strung some fake cobwebs or strategically placed a few pumpkins, you’re already living in a haunted house—because your soul has clearly died. Don’t you get it, my little zombie? Halloween is practically Christmas for people who can decorate with more than three throw pillows. You know who you are—my gay, curious, and artistically inclined straight lovelies. Get your cobwebbed act together and show off your big, shiny pumpkins. Take your vision—please tell me you have one—of a “haunted hovel” and elevate it to a “hauntingly chic manor.” Follow my definitive guide to decorating for Halloween, because lawn inflatables are an abomination (and I don’t mean in a good  Addams Family  way); plastic skeletons are fake, and your porch is screaming “Spirit of Halloween clearance aisle.” Step 1: The Dramatic Entrance Your front door is your runway, darling. If you’re still hanging a “Trick or Treat” sign...

Washington, D.C.  — In a move critics are calling “the Netflix of Narcissism,” President Trump today reportedly annexed the entire American broadcast television ecosystem. CBS, NBC, and ABC have been merged into a single network called  DJT — “Donald’s Jumbotron of Truth”  — broadcasting 24/7 “all truth, all the time.” “The death of the First Amendment came swiftly — with a stab in the back by a KFC chicken leg,” said Miss Libby Liberty of the USA Broadcasters Alliance. White House communications officer Ricky Rehe-Toric told reporters, “This is not censorship; this is streamlining American information. We’re ushering in a new golden age of programming— literally. Everything’s gold now.” Trump himself issued a statement: “We’ve reinvented television, just like people — many, many people — said I should. It’s not fake news. It’s my news. The best news. I’m hearing it’s phenomenal. Finally, TV with class — Trump style. The most-watched news in history, probably ever. R...

  Chicago, IL – While most people feel comfortable discussing health issues like constipation or a C-section scar with family and friends, a significant stigma persists around conversations about   mental health. Mention you’re feeling depressed, and within seconds, the room falls silent as friends suddenly remember urgent appointments and reach for their car keys. This generalized fear of discussing mental health plagues families, workplaces, and casual conversations. Experts say people treat the phrase “I’m depressed” with the same urgency as someone announcing, “I have anthrax in my backpack.” Dr. Linda Lithium, a professor of Social Awkwardness at Yale, said, “It’s like mental health is Washington politics—you don’t want to know about it, or hear about it, but if you do, it just might make you squirm in your chair.” Despite public campaigns urging people to “start the conversation,” these chats often fail to go anywhere. A conversation might go like this: ·   ...

  Lebanon, TN — Cracker Barrel, America’s favorite roadside museum of old Coke bottles, gingham, and latent nostalgia, has ignited a culinary civil war after announcing a “too woke” rebranding. The new logo—stripped of the “cracker” and the barrel—was meant to modernize the restaurant but instead caused conservatives nationwide to choke on their buttermilk pancakes. “We’re trying to evolve with the times,” explained Betty Beauregard, Cracker Barrel’s Chief Brand Officer and part-time quilting bee influencer. “We want to attract a younger, more diverse audience, while still honoring our roots. But apparently those roots are buried somewhere in a Confederate pet cemetery.” Social media erupted into what’s now known as the “Cracker Outcry,” with one tweet reading, “If they take Uncle Herschel off the sign, how will I know where to buy country fried steak and racially ambiguous nostalgia?” Bubba Dean Butterchurn, lifelong Cracker Barrel diner and founder of the Facebook group   “C...

Englewood Cliffs, NJ  – Gloria Gaynor, newly minted recipient of the 2025 Kennedy Center Honors, held a press conference today at the Days Inn at the Newark Liberty International Airport—a venue that perfectly captured the gravitas of the moment. Gaynor, hoping to silence critics calling her a “one-hit wonder,” addressed a half-dozen reporters. “I’ve had a long and successful career of hit songs, of which ‘I Will Survive’ was just one,” she insisted, while distributing coffee and stale conference-room danishes. The Kennedy Center Honors are meant to recognize artists for their lifetime contributions to the arts. Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” the disco anthem released in 1978, went platinum and became a global hit. But since the disco crowd put away their hot pants, wrap dresses, platform shoes, glitter, and cocaine, critics have struggled to name anything else in her music catalog. A survey of Gen Z and Millennials revealed that few even recognized Gaynor’s name. Some thought she migh...

Manhattan, New York -  "Sunny days, chasing the clouds away" is officially cancelled. The new Sesame Street anthem? “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to the Unemployment Office?”  With nearly $1 billion in PBS funding slashed, Sesame Street has shuttered its stores, leaving beloved felt and foam residents to face the harsh realities of the job market.  “They say Sesame Street is ripe for gentrification,” said Grover, reporting for the  Sesame Sentinel . “Hooper’s Store is set to become a hot yoga studio, and 123 Sesame Street has been sold to Jeff Bezos as a location for Amazon Fresh.”  “Today’s final episode is brought to you by the letters F…U,” Grover added, mic drop included.  Kermit the Frog has sold his pad to the GEICO gecko and is now living in a puppet shelter, applying for unemployment. “You can’t keep a good frog down,” he quipped. Kermit’s side hustle? Pest control. “It pays peanuts, but I get unlimited bugs. Oscar told me to auction ...