Sparks Ignites

  Lebanon, TN — Cracker Barrel, America’s favorite roadside museum of old Coke bottles, gingham, and latent nostalgia, has ignited a culinary civil war after announcing a “too woke” rebranding. The new logo—stripped of the “cracker” and the barrel—was meant to modernize the restaurant but instead caused conservatives nationwide to choke on their buttermilk pancakes. “We’re trying to evolve with the times,” explained Betty Beauregard, Cracker Barrel’s Chief Brand Officer and part-time quilting bee influencer. “We want to attract a younger, more diverse audience, while still honoring our roots. But apparently those roots are buried somewhere in a Confederate pet cemetery.” Social media erupted into what’s now known as the “Cracker Outcry,” with one tweet reading, “If they take Uncle Herschel off the sign, how will I know where to buy country fried steak and racially ambiguous nostalgia?” Bubba Dean Butterchurn, lifelong Cracker Barrel diner and founder of the Facebook group   “C...

Englewood Cliffs, NJ  – Gloria Gaynor, newly minted recipient of the 2025 Kennedy Center Honors, held a press conference today at the Days Inn at the Newark Liberty International Airport—a venue that perfectly captured the gravitas of the moment. Gaynor, hoping to silence critics calling her a “one-hit wonder,” addressed a half-dozen reporters. “I’ve had a long and successful career of hit songs, of which ‘I Will Survive’ was just one,” she insisted, while distributing coffee and stale conference-room danishes. The Kennedy Center Honors are meant to recognize artists for their lifetime contributions to the arts. Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” the disco anthem released in 1978, went platinum and became a global hit. But since the disco crowd put away their hot pants, wrap dresses, platform shoes, glitter, and cocaine, critics have struggled to name anything else in her music catalog. A survey of Gen Z and Millennials revealed that few even recognized Gaynor’s name. Some thought she migh...

Manhattan, New York -  "Sunny days, chasing the clouds away" is officially cancelled. The new Sesame Street anthem? “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to the Unemployment Office?”  With nearly $1 billion in PBS funding slashed, Sesame Street has shuttered its stores, leaving beloved felt and foam residents to face the harsh realities of the job market.  “They say Sesame Street is ripe for gentrification,” said Grover, reporting for the  Sesame Sentinel . “Hooper’s Store is set to become a hot yoga studio, and 123 Sesame Street has been sold to Jeff Bezos as a location for Amazon Fresh.”  “Today’s final episode is brought to you by the letters F…U,” Grover added, mic drop included.  Kermit the Frog has sold his pad to the GEICO gecko and is now living in a puppet shelter, applying for unemployment. “You can’t keep a good frog down,” he quipped. Kermit’s side hustle? Pest control. “It pays peanuts, but I get unlimited bugs. Oscar told me to auction ...

  There’s an old saying: “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” I prefer to think of family a lot like picking your nose—you’re always going to find one big booger.” Every family tree has a few bad seeds, the kind of genetic breakdowns that lead to unibrows or a third nipple on a foot. Just look at the British Royal Family: some are happy in their palaces, but a few are chained up in stables, mumbling to a wandering third eye. We all have that one relative we avoid during the holidays, the one who's put root rot in the family tree. Parents whisper about them when planning family events, nervously asking, "Should we invite her? Remember the last time? She complained about the food, burned holes in the sofa, clogged the toilet, and then ran over the cat's tail.” Because they're family, we're told to show compassion. “After all, it's your sister. We can just keep her outside with the dog. I think there's an extra leash." Sometimes, w...

  My Dearest Muffins: Do you hear the sound of rotor blades whizzing across the neighborhood? It’s not the police stalking an escaped convict or Kim K. on her way to an emergency butt lift; oh, the pain of gravity, my dahlings. What you’re hearing is the sound of helicopter parents rushing to Target for back-to-school supplies.  Yes, it’s here already. Summer vacation is over, and it’s time for Mommy and Daddy’s precious progeny to go out into the big, scary world. Although the school is only two blocks away, GPS gadgets are already being placed in backpacks and lunchboxes. All clothes, whether from Walmart or Neiman Marcus, will be sporting enough high-tech tracking devices to qualify a first-grader as the Terminator.  Delightfully distraught parents are sucking down Aperol Spritzes and composing emergency contact lists of fellow choppers. If little Becky finds a seed in her orange slice and Mommy is in her yoga class, who’s in line of succession to come to the rescue? G...

My Fabulous Followers: The intense heat of summer is upon us. And if you haven’t noticed the steam bath we call weather, it means you’ve not left the house since Memorial Day. My little hermit crab, why haven’t you ventured into the tropic-like outdoors? Are you binging Bridgerton (Jonathan Bailey…need I say more?), afraid your synthetic blouse from Forever 21 will melt in the sun, or is your latest chemical peel still healing? Venture out, my hothouse flower; the season is melting away. Don’t miss outdoor festivities, questionable tan lines, and the perennial question, “Is it still too early for a Frosé?” The answer. My love is   never As your resident authority in all things fab, fantastic, and fashionable (like the new Superman’s briefs), I’ve noticed a few… shall we say, opportunities for improvement …when it comes to surviving warmer months. So grab your Lululemon, your linen, and a frosty glass of something bubbly (or, you know, ice water, if you must) , because Gaylord is he...

Finding a therapist can be bad for your mental health. Finding the right professional whose style and insight create an open dialog is very important to successful treatment. But you have to weed your way through some suspect characters until you discover that one person who you feel comfortable being vulnerable with. I’ve been on the therapy carousel since middle school. When I reflect back, it’s not some tragic opera with haunting violins bemoaning cruel classmates, bullies, and existential dread. For me, it’s an after-school special in 1975, with a young, gangly Brad Pitt (me!) navigating the awkwardness of puberty and questionable counseling. I followed the therapist trail wherever my parents led me. My first counselor gave me the notorious Rorschach (ink blot) test.   I remember thinking,   A pop quiz? On what? My thoughts? I haven't studied!   But the guy reassured me, "No studying required! It's all interpretive, like modern dance!" And he was right. Some peopl...

  Washington, D.C. – The tariffs might put a damper on American holiday consumption this Christmas; don’t worry about the thirty dolls you won’t be able to buy. Your little darlings won’t even need two or three. This December 25 th  there is only one doll every child will want to see under the tree, and that’s— Be Best Barbie . A 12-inch plastic version of the Slovenian ex-model and reluctant First Lady, Melania. This special edition will hit the toy shelves on Black Friday. And a Black Friday it will be when the PVC poser invades the pink plastic dreamhouse. With chiseled cheeks and a lip pout of disdain, the doll is an exact replica of the former immigrant. Owning a  Be Best Barbie  is just like having the real First Lady visit your home. She’s all looks and not much else. Melania, the doll, is vapid vinyl and fully articulated. Put her in a designer outfit and have her strike a pose, but keep her away from your rose garden, or she’ll plow it under. The usually qui...

Washington, D.C. – June is LGBTQ Pride Month, and it’s highlighted by parades and celebrations around the country. In a month where love and acceptance is the theme, there is a stark contrast in our nation’s capital, where the policies of the Trump Administration seek to eradicate the marginalized transgender community. As the president demonizes transgender people with executive orders and his lackeys fall in step, many allies are fighting in opposition. A grassroots movement has begun, and a political action group, TransNational Alliance (TA), has formed to support a community under siege. Bob NonBinary, a spokesperson for TA, said that Trump and his “red, white, and ewww” minions are attacking a group that only represents approximately 0.6% of the US population aged 13 and older. “We want the trans population to grow and overshadow Trump’s petty policies. It’s much harder to push bigoted strategies in a plurality,” Nonbinary said. “There is strength in numbers, and we want to be a n...

Washington, D.C. –  Minutes after the papal conclave elected Robert Francis Prevost, the first American pope, Trump is seeking a recall to what he terms “a rigged conclave.” A special team of papal lawyers will head to the Vatican to challenge the election results. The team of Agnosticgold, Atheistein, and Evangelicalberg, LLP, will file a protest on behalf of the president.  Cardinal Kevin Joseph Farrell, acting head of the Catholic Church, issued a statement saying there is a new pope, Leo XIV, and the choice is final.  “Trump can never be the pope unless Jesus is resurrected and names him the pontiff, which would supersede 135 cardinals of the conclave. He’s an impure married man, a sociopath, and not even a member of the Catholic Church. The closest he’ll ever be is the “Pope’s Nose,” said Cardinal Farrell.  Trump immediately issued an executive order, calling for the savior’s resurrection. “I’ll wait for him in the Lincoln Bedroom. Jesus and I have a person...