St. Cloud, MN – Immigration officials are reporting a crisis at the borders of Canada and Mexico. Millions of American turkeys are reportedly trying to flee the country ahead of Thanksgiving. What is being labeled as a mass avian exodus has gained national attention as “panicked poultry” attempt to cross the borders.
“Many of the birds are wearing disguises,” reported Canadian border patrol agent Terry Trudeau. “We just detained a group of twelve turkeys trying to pose as a family called the Tetrazzinis. The wigs and outfits were not fooling us—even the children had turkey necks. They were driving a 1985 Chevy station wagon, and their behind-the-wheel skills were impressive.”
At the Mexican border, dozens of turkeys are attempting to sneak in dressed as mariachi bands.
“They can’t cluck Spanish, but their rhythm is remarkable,” said one border officer.
Minnesota, the largest turkey-producing state, has seen a decline in turkey numbers since early August. Every year, Minnesota turkey farmers raise 40-42 million birds. The last bird count indicated approximately 20 million remaining in the state.
“We’re calling it the ‘Trail of Feathers’ as disgruntled Butterballs seek asylum in other countries,” said Dusty Crops, from the Department of Agriculture.
“At last count, there were three turkeys left on our farm,” said Gilbert Giblet, owner of the Wattle Family Acres. “We call them the Three Stooges because they were too lazy to leave, and they’re not Thanksgiving material. The trio is addicted to moonshine and spends the day passed out by the still. I offered to buy them plane tickets to Guadalajara, but they won’t stay sober long enough to board the plane.”
The Great Turkey Evacuation of 2025 comes after years of growing unrest in the poultry community. Following centuries of being brined, basted, roasted, and Instagrammed next to candied yams, American turkeys are clucked off.
“We’ve had it with being the sacrificial centerpiece to the yearly carb-crazed family gathering,” said Tom T., spokesperson for the newly formed organization Turkeys Weaponized Against Thanksgiving (TWAT). “When we learned there would be no presidential pardons this year, it was time to mobilize.”
Turkeys aren’t known for their navigational skills, so making their way to the border has not been a success for many. Across the country, reports of turkeys trying to hide in plain sight have been reported. Suburban sightings include turkeys disguised as peacocks, penguins, and, in one bold case, a yoga instructor named “Betty.” In New York City, Times Square is overrun with turkeys in costumes asking for tips to have photos taken with tourists.
Nadine Slotsky for Nevada reported that her son had photos taken with Spider-bird, Tickle Me Butterball, and SpongeGiblet. Evidently, the birds are asking for tips to rent a U-Haul caravan to take them to “The Great White North.”
Canada is reportedly overwhelmed with the feathered influx. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have been forced to form a new unit—the Butterball Brigade—after hundreds of turkeys attempted to claim asylum. “They keep saying they are looking for a better life,” said a brigade member, “but we all know they’re trying to escape the roasting pan.”
American officials are downplaying the crisis. The Secretary of Agriculture issued a statement asking citizens to remain calm and remember that “Thanksgiving is about family, gratitude, and gearing up for Black Friday sales. It’s not about the turkey, but how far your waistband can expand.”
Grocers are busy adapting advertising to sell “alternative entrées” like hams with attachable drumsticks and turkey-shaped meatloaf. There’s also a new plant-based option on the market—the Impossible Turkey.
“We plan to establish sovereign nations in Canada and Mexico,” Tom T. told Food Network reporters. I’ve issued a turkey declaration of independence, which reads in part: “All birds are created equal with certain avian rights, and humans have plenty of things to eat, like green bean casseroles and mashed potatoes.”
The Canadian and Mexican governments are working with the TWATs to allocate land for Gobbletropolis in Canada and GaudalaGobble in Mexico.
So, this year, if your holiday table feels empty, remember: somewhere near Toronto and Tijuana, flocks of liberated turkeys are waddling proudly, sipping margaritas or ice wine, and planning a new holiday—Freedom Feast—a day to give thanks for still having your head and a life free of cranberry sauce.
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