Sparks Ignites

  I don’t like public transportation, public pools, public parks, public forums, public opinion polls— See a trend? Anything involving the general population has never been a favorite. But of all things, the worst are public restrooms.   They’re the scourge of humanity. A porcelain Temple of Doom. Any place where a group of strangers congregates to take care of bodily functions is nightmare adjacent.  From the time I was a child, I feared the boy’s room. At my elementary school, the class took a bathroom break together. We walked single file to the lavatory like a chain gang. The restroom was in the basement of the old schoolhouse. It was a dungeon with plumbing. I guess my life was sheltered. I wasn’t part of any pre-school gang— no Cribs versus the Binkies. No Romper Room rumble. My knowledge of bathrooms was a potty chair.  Urinals were alien to me. I didn’t grow up with The Big Golden Book of Urinals. Taking a wall     whiz was not in my frame of refere...

Palm Beach, FL – As part of the FBI and Dept. of Justice probe into missing classified documents, it was discovered that Mar-a-Lago’s Club Restaurant added box lunches to its menu in 2022. Helena Rubenschmaltz, a club member of Trump’s resort stated, “They were like big Happy Meals that came with a top-secret document.” “I ordered the People’s Republic of Chinese Chicken Salad and received a big white box with a sandwich and classified information about China’s nuclear capabilities,” Rubenschmaltz told investigators. According to waitstaff at the restaurant, they were told to promote the box lunch specials to all patrons. “We were advised to tell the diners to take the complimentary box home with them,” reported Guadalupe Maria Josefina Violeta Smith. FBI agent, Hoover Hammersmyth, said that Trump was trying to move boxes through the resort’s food service. Photos of boxes stored all over the Palm Beach resort were included in the federal indictment released on June 9. “We seized one bo...

Have you ever dreamt of a tomb with a view? If you’ve longed to live abroad, but weren’t able to escape your  nine-to-five   commitments at home, planning a trip at the end of a lifetime can be right at your cold, dead fingertips.    Paul Bearer, LLC. International will plan your exclusive  Destination Funeral.  No need to pack bags for the last, endless vacation. Spend eternity surrounded by spectacular vistas and ages of history in the country of your choice. Don’t settle for a cemetery off Route 130 by the Super Walmart. Make your final journey the envy of your loved ones.    Imagine your resting place situated on a cliff overlooking the blue Mediterranean Sea, a Parisian landmark where you can rub boney elbows with Oscar Wilde, Edith Piaf and rock star Jim Morrison, or be sprinkled discreetly in the Trevi Fountain where your final wishes come true.    Why leave your assets to ungrateful family members? Spend them on a trip they’ll ne...

We live in a world of smells. It’s one of our five senses and the one we’re most obsessed with. From ancient civilizations to now, we’ve been busy creating smells to hide other smells. Eliminating the funk for fabulous is the goal. From the primordial sludge, life began. The broth of creation surely didn’t smell like perfume. We didn’t evolve from a vat of Estee Lauder. There’s no record of its aromatic fragrance since whoever was crawling out forgot to take a sample. Scientists say the closest to the original gaseous mixture they’ve found is Campbell’s Hungry Man Soup.    Neanderthals and Cro Magnons weren’t big on keeping notes so we know little about prehistoric hygiene practices. Unfortunately, the one remaining family of Neanderthals, who lived in a trailer park in Tooberville, GA, disappeared in 1965. The family of Bob and Chrissy Homo-Erectomins, fled their Airstream when scientists started sniffing around.    Anthropologist, Margaret Mead, visited the trailer...

  Washington, D.C. – Marjorie Taylor Greene, Congresswoman, former Waffle House waitress and Miss Georgia Peach Pit 1990, has demanded the search and capture of pop singer, Rihanna.   “She’s an illegal space alien and a threat to national security,” Greene said last night during the podcast—   Anyone Can Be in Congress. “Rihanna floated into the Super Bowl on a space sled and took the stadium hostage. Biden should have had the Air Force take her down immediately.” Greene believes the alien invasion started with the “so called” Chinese Spy Balloon.    "What kind of name is Rihanna? Clearly not from this earth. Where I grew up, regular names were Billy Bubba, Wanda Lou, Tammy June, Clovis and Pickles,” Greene said. “Why weren’t spectators shocked? Greene stated Rihanna hijacked the game and brainwashed millions of American citizens. “She was clearly sending messages of world domination through some weird musical code, while guarded by a squadron of stormtroopers i...

  I ran into my friend Rose, the other day, and asked how she’d been. She said she was stressed because her mom was ill. I politely inquired about her condition like I was CNN’s Sanjay Gupta. She’d been diagnosed with moleopothy— a sudden eruption of hairy moles on her face. After my initial gasp of horror and an urge to make a werewolf reference, I asked if the doctor prescribed Molezympica. She said “yes” and immediately I went into my fair balance spiel.    I told her to monitor for side effects and discontinue use if her mom has sudden onset unibrow, drooping nipples, howling at the full moon, undressing by fire hydrants, a desire to eat meals in the basement or if one of her moles starts talking.    I inquired if her mom had any pets? The most adverse reaction is extreme and deadly flatulence fatal to pets under 30 pounds. Rose looked concerned and said  Mr. Sniffles, a chihuahua, had been staggering around the house.   “How do you know all t...

I haven’t been a hospital patient since I was in grade school. I remember the nurses dressed in white uniforms with pillbox hats looking like Jackie Kennedy’s bridesmaids. They were visions of purity, supplying drugs and sponge baths. Immaculate angels in white— the appropriate color to wear when blood and body fluids are only a squirt away.   IV Bottles, syringes and thermometers were made of glass. When the Good Humor person of medicine came bearing a cylinder filled with toxic mercury, you had to make sure you didn’t bite down. Also, pray they didn’t tell you to roll on your side. “No sneaking in the back door. That’s a no glass insertion zone, Nurse Ratched!”   Surgical procedures, medical technology and patient care has progressed far from what I remembered as a six-year-old. Hospital stays are as brief as possible. They throw you out of bed hours after surgery. When I had my appendix taking out, I was in-patient until my stitches could be removed. I was there so long I h...