Sparks Ignites

Manhattan, New York -  "Sunny days, chasing the clouds away" is officially cancelled. The new Sesame Street anthem? “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to the Unemployment Office?”  With nearly $1 billion in PBS funding slashed, Sesame Street has shuttered its stores, leaving beloved felt and foam residents to face the harsh realities of the job market.  “They say Sesame Street is ripe for gentrification,” said Grover, reporting for the  Sesame Sentinel . “Hooper’s Store is set to become a hot yoga studio, and 123 Sesame Street has been sold to Jeff Bezos as a location for Amazon Fresh.”  “Today’s final episode is brought to you by the letters F…U,” Grover added, mic drop included.  Kermit the Frog has sold his pad to the GEICO gecko and is now living in a puppet shelter, applying for unemployment. “You can’t keep a good frog down,” he quipped. Kermit’s side hustle? Pest control. “It pays peanuts, but I get unlimited bugs. Oscar told me to auction ...

  There’s an old saying: “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” I prefer to think of family a lot like picking your nose—you’re always going to find one big booger.” Every family tree has a few bad seeds, the kind of genetic breakdowns that lead to unibrows or a third nipple on a foot. Just look at the British Royal Family: some are happy in their palaces, but a few are chained up in stables, mumbling to a wandering third eye. We all have that one relative we avoid during the holidays, the one who's put root rot in the family tree. Parents whisper about them when planning family events, nervously asking, "Should we invite her? Remember the last time? She complained about the food, burned holes in the sofa, clogged the toilet, and then ran over the cat's tail.” Because they're family, we're told to show compassion. “After all, it's your sister. We can just keep her outside with the dog. I think there's an extra leash." Sometimes, w...

  My Dearest Muffins: Do you hear the sound of rotor blades whizzing across the neighborhood? It’s not the police stalking an escaped convict or Kim K. on her way to an emergency butt lift; oh, the pain of gravity, my dahlings. What you’re hearing is the sound of helicopter parents rushing to Target for back-to-school supplies.  Yes, it’s here already. Summer vacation is over, and it’s time for Mommy and Daddy’s precious progeny to go out into the big, scary world. Although the school is only two blocks away, GPS gadgets are already being placed in backpacks and lunchboxes. All clothes, whether from Walmart or Neiman Marcus, will be sporting enough high-tech tracking devices to qualify a first-grader as the Terminator.  Delightfully distraught parents are sucking down Aperol Spritzes and composing emergency contact lists of fellow choppers. If little Becky finds a seed in her orange slice and Mommy is in her yoga class, who’s in line of succession to come to the rescue? G...