Sparks Ignites

  Lebanon, TN — Cracker Barrel, America’s favorite roadside museum of old Coke bottles, gingham, and latent nostalgia, has ignited a culinary civil war after announcing a “too woke” rebranding. The new logo—stripped of the “cracker” and the barrel—was meant to modernize the restaurant but instead caused conservatives nationwide to choke on their buttermilk pancakes. “We’re trying to evolve with the times,” explained Betty Beauregard, Cracker Barrel’s Chief Brand Officer and part-time quilting bee influencer. “We want to attract a younger, more diverse audience, while still honoring our roots. But apparently those roots are buried somewhere in a Confederate pet cemetery.” Social media erupted into what’s now known as the “Cracker Outcry,” with one tweet reading, “If they take Uncle Herschel off the sign, how will I know where to buy country fried steak and racially ambiguous nostalgia?” Bubba Dean Butterchurn, lifelong Cracker Barrel diner and founder of the Facebook group   “C...

Englewood Cliffs, NJ  – Gloria Gaynor, newly minted recipient of the 2025 Kennedy Center Honors, held a press conference today at the Days Inn at the Newark Liberty International Airport—a venue that perfectly captured the gravitas of the moment. Gaynor, hoping to silence critics calling her a “one-hit wonder,” addressed a half-dozen reporters. “I’ve had a long and successful career of hit songs, of which ‘I Will Survive’ was just one,” she insisted, while distributing coffee and stale conference-room danishes. The Kennedy Center Honors are meant to recognize artists for their lifetime contributions to the arts. Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” the disco anthem released in 1978, went platinum and became a global hit. But since the disco crowd put away their hot pants, wrap dresses, platform shoes, glitter, and cocaine, critics have struggled to name anything else in her music catalog. A survey of Gen Z and Millennials revealed that few even recognized Gaynor’s name. Some thought she migh...