Sparks Ignites

Washington, D.C.  — In a move critics are calling “the Netflix of Narcissism,” President Trump today reportedly annexed the entire American broadcast television ecosystem. CBS, NBC, and ABC have been merged into a single network called  DJT — “Donald’s Jumbotron of Truth”  — broadcasting 24/7 “all truth, all the time.” “The death of the First Amendment came swiftly — with a stab in the back by a KFC chicken leg,” said Miss Libby Liberty of the USA Broadcasters Alliance. White House communications officer Ricky Rehe-Toric told reporters, “This is not censorship; this is streamlining American information. We’re ushering in a new golden age of programming— literally. Everything’s gold now.” Trump himself issued a statement: “We’ve reinvented television, just like people — many, many people — said I should. It’s not fake news. It’s my news. The best news. I’m hearing it’s phenomenal. Finally, TV with class — Trump style. The most-watched news in history, probably ever. R...

  Chicago, IL – While most people feel comfortable discussing health issues like constipation or a C-section scar with family and friends, a significant stigma persists around conversations about   mental health. Mention you’re feeling depressed, and within seconds, the room falls silent as friends suddenly remember urgent appointments and reach for their car keys. This generalized fear of discussing mental health plagues families, workplaces, and casual conversations. Experts say people treat the phrase “I’m depressed” with the same urgency as someone announcing, “I have anthrax in my backpack.” Dr. Linda Lithium, a professor of Social Awkwardness at Yale, said, “It’s like mental health is Washington politics—you don’t want to know about it, or hear about it, but if you do, it just might make you squirm in your chair.” Despite public campaigns urging people to “start the conversation,” these chats often fail to go anywhere. A conversation might go like this: ·   ...

  Lebanon, TN — Cracker Barrel, America’s favorite roadside museum of old Coke bottles, gingham, and latent nostalgia, has ignited a culinary civil war after announcing a “too woke” rebranding. The new logo—stripped of the “cracker” and the barrel—was meant to modernize the restaurant but instead caused conservatives nationwide to choke on their buttermilk pancakes. “We’re trying to evolve with the times,” explained Betty Beauregard, Cracker Barrel’s Chief Brand Officer and part-time quilting bee influencer. “We want to attract a younger, more diverse audience, while still honoring our roots. But apparently those roots are buried somewhere in a Confederate pet cemetery.” Social media erupted into what’s now known as the “Cracker Outcry,” with one tweet reading, “If they take Uncle Herschel off the sign, how will I know where to buy country fried steak and racially ambiguous nostalgia?” Bubba Dean Butterchurn, lifelong Cracker Barrel diner and founder of the Facebook group   “C...

Englewood Cliffs, NJ  – Gloria Gaynor, newly minted recipient of the 2025 Kennedy Center Honors, held a press conference today at the Days Inn at the Newark Liberty International Airport—a venue that perfectly captured the gravitas of the moment. Gaynor, hoping to silence critics calling her a “one-hit wonder,” addressed a half-dozen reporters. “I’ve had a long and successful career of hit songs, of which ‘I Will Survive’ was just one,” she insisted, while distributing coffee and stale conference-room danishes. The Kennedy Center Honors are meant to recognize artists for their lifetime contributions to the arts. Gaynor’s “I Will Survive,” the disco anthem released in 1978, went platinum and became a global hit. But since the disco crowd put away their hot pants, wrap dresses, platform shoes, glitter, and cocaine, critics have struggled to name anything else in her music catalog. A survey of Gen Z and Millennials revealed that few even recognized Gaynor’s name. Some thought she migh...