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Gaylord Goforth's Guide to Summer Survival


My Fabulous Followers:

The intense heat of summer is upon us. And if you haven’t noticed the steam bath we call weather, it means you’ve not left the house since Memorial Day. My little hermit crab, why haven’t you ventured into the tropic-like outdoors? Are you binging Bridgerton (Jonathan Bailey…need I say more?), afraid your synthetic blouse from Forever 21 will melt in the sun, or is your latest chemical peel still healing?

Venture out, my hothouse flower; the season is melting away. Don’t miss outdoor festivities, questionable tan lines, and the perennial question, “Is it still too early for a Frosé?” The answer. My love is never

As your resident authority in all things fab, fantastic, and fashionable (like the new Superman’s briefs), I’ve noticed a few…shall we say, opportunities for improvement…when it comes to surviving warmer months. So grab your Lululemon, your linen, and a frosty glass of something bubbly (or, you know, ice water, if you must), because Gaylord is here to guide you through the shark-infested waters of summer.

 

Picnics—People and Food in the Great Outdoors. What Could Go Wrong? Oh, the excitement of al fresco dining! If you don’t see bugs, the sweating bowl of potato salad, or an annoying heat rash, you might have an enjoyable time. Follow some basic rules:

Thou Shalt Not Bring Mayonnaise-Based Food (Unless it’s frozen like a woolly mammoth buried in a glacier): Seriously, food poisoning is not an acceptable summer accessory (like Dollar General flip-flops or tank tops showing back hair; you know who you are, ladies.) 

Don’t ever opt for deviled eggs. In the heat, they’re little petri dishes of an apocalyptic plague, and the combination of mustard, mayo, and the yolk creates a smell not unlike baked bean night at the nursing home. Please! Don’t tell me you own a deviled egg tray. If you do, throw it into the dumpster pronto, or I will have my Bichon Frise chew up your new Louboutins. 

Let’s Get the Party Started (Arrive Fashionably Late, You Cretin!) First of all, RSVP! Your host has spent the better part of an afternoon fretting over the guest list and trying to decide whether to serve artisanal charcuterie or just a bowl of Cheetos. Please don’t leave them hanging like a dusty disco ball. 

Unless you’re the host, don’t ever be the first to arrive at a soiree. It will appear you camped outside the doorstep like a desperate Black Friday shopper. At the very least, a thirty-minute delay is acceptable. 

Never opt to bring a main course if you're adding to the buffet. If the menu is questionable, consider eating a light meal at a trendy bistro before making your grand entrance. Bringing a tasty dessert or your favorite digestif to finish a meal will suffice. 

Don’t sweat over a sweet treat. Buy from a specialty bakery and discard the packaging. Your cake plate from Crate and Barrel will make them think you slaved over a hot oven. And for special friends, isn’t it the thought that counts?

Drink with Caution (Unless It’s Top-Shelf Tequila, Then It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Ride to the Border.) Know your limits, you lush. Cut it off at two cocktails. Nobody wants to see you performing “Pink Pony Club” on the patio table unless it’s choreographed by a Broadway professional. 

Making The Appearance (Arrive With A Copper Pot Shine, Not Like A Dripping Faucet)  Let’s be honest, my dill pickles, everyone has an odor. But that doesn’t mean we have to smell like the locker room of a swim club filled with dirty socks and regret. Remember you’re attending a social function, not shopping at the Tractor Supply Company.

Deodorant Is Your Friend (Your BFF!) Remember, you’re going to mingle with friends, family, and perhaps a potential romantic interest (that will likely end in a dramatic breakup two weeks later—the summer heat doesn’t bode well for extended body contact). 

Wear a lightly fragranced deodorant so you’re not battling with your cologne or perfume. The clash between your Speed Stick and Jean Paul Gaultier can leave you smelling like bug repellent. The mosquitoes won’t come near you, nor will anyone else. 

Summer Feet Should Be Discreet (These Little Piggies Might Not Be Ready for Market.) Summer sandals and open-toed shoes are a summer staple, but your feet are a year-round appendage. Take care of those paws or keep them covered. 

Manicures are mandatory if you even contemplate exposing those ankle-hangers. If you have bunions, hammer toes, corns, or calluses on your tootsies, keep them hidden like naked selfies. It ruins everyone’s appetite to see cracked heels and chipped nail varnish—the term “shabby chic” does not apply to body parts. Best practice—wear shoes or sneakers unless you’ve been declawed or featured in Foot Fetish Monthly.

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There you have it, my guide to summer soirees. Follow these tips, and you might find that leaving the chill of AC when the humidity doesn’t cause a flop sweat is fantastic. Beloveds, summer is a time for vacationing, relaxing, ogling the lifeguard, and drinking too many cocktails—either shaken or stirred. Go forth and create a memory you might be able to share.

Remember… You’re my biggest fan.

From the arbiter of all things tasteful and proper,

Gaylord Goforth

 

 

 

 

 

 

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