SPARKS BRIEF: Queen Bey Gets Catty in Detroit

Detroit, MI - A special remix of Beyoncé’s hit song “Single Ladies” will be released tomorrow as “Single Cat Ladies (Put a Collar on It).” All proceeds, of the new track, will be donated to the Harris-Walz 2024 campaign.

Queen Bey will perform the new version at the Harris-Walz rally in Detroit on Monday. Katy Furkenton, President and Founder of Women with Felines International (WFI), said “Ladies from all fifty states grabbed their pu**ies and headed to the Motor City.”

According to FAA officials, flights to Detroit, on all major airlines, are completely booked through the Labor Day Weekend, “The excitement building for this consequential event is creating cat scratch fever among our members,” Furkenton said. “We’re putting our paws up and howling our way to victory.”

Cat carriers across the US are sold out as the women of WFI packed up their four-legged friends for the road trip of a lifetime. “We’re going to show Vance what powers single cat ladies have. There’s no pussy footing around the rights of women. We’re going to send him back to Ohio with his tail between his legs.”

Special events are being held for the giant influx of cat ladies. Betty Burmese, the founder of a local lesbian cat lovers’ group, Titties and Kitties, said there’s a central meeting spot for all out-of-towners called the Scratching Post Pub.

“Come feel the camaraderie and see what the cat dragged in. Have a cattail and a treat and if you’re feeling frisky stay for the DJ. The laser light show will have you darting across the dance floor.

“This will be one giant party for politically conscious feline fanciers,” Burmese told the press. “On Monday night, ladies and their furry plus ones are invited to The Fur Ball at Little Caesars Arena.”

Celebrities and performers who plan to attend are: Puss-in-Boots, Morris, Garfield, Hello Kitty, Sylvester, Cat Stevens, Pussy Riot and Cleopatrapuss the Drag Queen.

“Let’s show Vance just how much of a badass Catwoman really is. With the force of Beyoncé supporting us, we’re prepared for a fierce catfight,” Furkenton told 100,000 Zoom attendees on a two-hour call titled “Cats for Kamala and Whiskers for Walz.”

President Biden will be joining Vice-President Harris at tomorrow’s rally. “Joe might be moving a little slow but after a cup of catnip tea and a belly rub we’ll have his engine purring. Biden will be ready to pounce and help Harris claw her way to the Oval Office,” said Burmese. “After November 5^th, we’ll be feline fine.”

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